Learning to love you from a distance is still a struggle. Some days I do better than others and others I’m a mess. I miss you, it’s like you’re dead to me, or I’m dead to you, and all I want to do is figure out how to summon you, what spell does it take? What do I need? Why won’t SMS, Signal, messenger, email, or picking up the phone work? Why are there no websites? Why does proof of your existence online no longer exist? I have no gravestone to mourn at. I have nowhere to send flowers. Or to bring them and place them in person. I still wish I knew I’d see you again, regardless of the circumstances. I want to see proof that you’re still alive, I want to see you with my own eyes. Hear your voice. Touch your face. I’m never going to stop loving you, and I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I’ll never do it in your presence. I’ve had to learn that’s okay, and that loves not finite. I’ve known for years but haven’t been living it, like I’m scared to let go of a part of myself, or you. I’ve been forever changed after you, so you’re kind of stuck. A little bit of you will always be with me whether you’re okay with it or acknowledge it or not. I can treat this like I’ve treated other things. Different but still capable of loving someone just as hard and just as fierce and passionate. Unfiltered, uninhibited. None of this conflicts the other, I can hold space for both, I just have to allow myself to live it. I can only “talk” to you through the void.