Monthly Archives: July 2019

I had a strange and busy dream but woke up a few times this morning and only have a few pieces of it left in memory. I was walking around a lot and for some reason fell asleep outside the kitchen door on a porch. Like I didn’t feel like going inside, but woke up from a nap (it’s dark out the entire time) and noticed there was some snow on the ground, it was a really light powder but it was sparkly and looked like it had been on the ground for a while.  I also wanted to go skinny dipping in the hot spring back there, I was already naked for unknown reasons, yay dream logic, and walked on the crunchy snow by the water to dip my toes in. It was warm but not as hot as I’d hoped.  The water was also super dark because it wasn’t a well lit area so I changed my mind and decided to grab a towel off a chair and head inside. 

One interesting bit was sitting in a room, not sure of it was a bedroom or a room I converted into an art room but I was doing some mixed multimedia piece that was tangible, but I “scrolled up” on my drafting table (I really want one of those) and there were other cut pots and pieces I didn’t remember that I needed to arrange.  Then I grabbed a piece of art I didn’t recognize, then another, and wondered who did them.  They were good, and I wasn’t sure if some of them were water color on heavy textured paper, but a bigger piece had a kind of note written on the bottom right quadrant and explained it was the previous person who lived here, Idk if they were alone or had roommates, but it briefly explained some economic hardships and also mentioned food scarcity.  It made me very sad they went through this, that they weren’t around anymore, and that we’d never met. 

I was out, clothed, and it was daylight.  I left my car in a parking space around the corner from where I was going, it was almost set up like Town Square by the Sephora on the way to the Apple Store, and  I forgot the art piece I brought with me in the car and had to walk back.  Instead of only business being above retail, it was a mix of office space and residential in the area and I was going to see Johnathan. I was super excited cause it had been forever and I thought about kissing him when he opened the door but I kept going back and forth downstairs cause I kept forgetting things I had to go back for before I woke up. 🙁 

Dreams sabotaging me. 

I was PSAS oncall in a huge office like the old GD building in AZ, some manager calls and I explain how the oncall rotates between the main team and how our team handles overflow. His team by the lobby is the original team but my team had just recently gotten involved and the guy didn’t get how the resolver group was rotating. I walked out and went to the stand alone bathroom to isolate myself and get some space, it was like the outside bathrooms at Town Square except they were large single bathrooms instead of stalls. I was about to leave after collecting myself when I took a call from the manager’s assistant and he was having issues cause he saw some bad feedback and I wasn’t sure if it was Chris or work drama and politics or if I made a good call and someone got mad since I wasn’t anywhere where I could look up what was being discussed.

I hear a knock at the door then heard Jösh calling my name and asking me to open the door. I was annoyed and refused but couldn’t leave and turned my back to the door (it was a decent sized room). He kept knocking on the door for a while, then I heard Trev’s voice asking me to open the door so I did, she comes in with another friend and then Jösh followed and I had no idea what to do.  He pulled them for help to try and reconcile, and she had some workbook with her from some resource that was supposed to help her or work as a guide idk.

I was aggravated, but hurt more than anything. I couldn’t trust this even though I wanted to more than anything.  He said some things and I shot them down omw out the door, saying things like how someday I’ll have a family with someone else and will do all these things and on holidays, and he’ll be alone working because he’s always put it first and it’s always been his escape. He called my name out and said “please don’t go” when I stepped through the threshold, but came back in and he was across the suite in bed looking miserable. 

I didn’t know what the “proper” thing to do was so I let impulse take over and ran over and jumped into bed next to him so I could hug and cuddle him. I started asking questions like what would he do differently and he started talking about the future with both of us in it and that was different, I was hurting so bad that it took us going through all this to get here, he mentioned something about rows on airplanes and trips, I wanted to make a comment about him giving me children, and it wasn’t because I was expecting them or expecting him to completely take everything back, it’s the concept that we could discuss any future or possibility and it wouldn’t throw him off.  I melted into him, it had been years and I didn’t even know what to make of any of this but didn’t care.  He asked me if I’d been drawing and I said no, both the question and answer implied it had been a while, maybe years.  I had to get up and go back to my office, a coworker had messaged me saying he was leaving early because of the World Cup and I hadn’t realized he was taking the afternoon.

When I tried to get up Jösh pulled me closer and kissed me before letting me go.  I got up and turned around the corner to go up the stairs, it was dark inside the house and it was huge, Trev was still around somewhere (she followed behind me up the stairs) but idk where the other guy went.  Jösh had gone somewhere else in the house but Idk where either, and someone else at the company started narrating a tour as I walked through the house, one bedroom had a bunk bed I hadn’t noticed until she mentioned and I made some association with twins, she was talking about what furniture and stuff was staying with he house and my first thought was this was way too much house for my needs, and I don’t have kids and can’t have them so… 

I was vpn’d on my phone and chatting with someone at work I didn’t know but who was a previous oncall for the psas thing and I was asking if they could step in because we were down a person, and they didn’t have the setup on their computer so I was trying to pass off the old extension info I was using and would just switch whenever I got back. I wandered the house and then ended up at some crazy lowes ikea like place with Sabrina and we were walking around and in the distance I saw some huge rat run across an aisle and was like Sabrina! She wasn’t paying attention and then was like what? But it was too late.  Then Ryan (di’s bf) was there and sabrina was pushing him in a cart while they discussed what they were getting there, she was talking about a dresser that was large enough to make space at his place for her, she was intermittently speaking French to him, they were flirting and it was odd (I think my brain swapped priest for him).  A little afte that I woke up. I was so fucking warm and happy in that dream, I felt Jösh  squeeze me tight, he made the effort to track down my friend and mentor, came to Seattle, apologized, promise me a lot of very wonderful things that would take the rest of our lives to make happen, and I believed them all because I wanted to and I wanted to live that life he described.  It’s the first time in a long time a dream like this didn’t make me cry.

I’d like to believe in a parallel universe this happened and we get to spend our lives making each other happy and doing everything we’ve ever wanted to do. I guess dream me gets that, and it’s nice.