I have not allowed myself to listen to Utada’s music for years, until tonight. This wasn’t planned, I’ve been digging for new music (and attempting to keep up with a steady supply of the darker witchier stuff currently spinning in Phoenix). I’ve been all over the map lately, when I usually go through music phases and binge through a genre for a few weeks, then switch out to another. A lot of tangents tonight brought me to seek her out, and Hatsukoi has been out for a year, but I wasn’t ready yet. I don’t know why (I guess I can kind of feel why) I was okay to peek, and was pleasantly surprised. We went full circle in 20 years of music, and I feel like I went full circle in some personal things over the last few years too.
I’ve been so cautious for so long, all while thinking I’d been taking risks and huge jumps at certain milestones. But that’s a lie I tell myself, the benchmarks I’ve compared against aren’t that high, and a lot of people are paralyzed to go after what they truly want, or to test their potential to the limit. I’m still far away from that, and it’s been tough getting to that realization. I’m still not sure how to push harder with health and other restrictions, sometimes I think I have a direction, sometimes I think it’s wrong and I go in circles, and sometimes I don’t have a clue and just try to brute force until I see something.
I’m rambling at 1:58am, I guess it’s been a while. I haven’t gotten enough sleep in a long time (excluding the occasional weekend sleep in binges) and it’s mostly circumstantial, but I’m working on fixing it.
I haven’t been able to sit down and think out / write out the last week of my life. It’s the most important week to date, more important than any achievement, failure, trauma, or happiness I’ve ever experienced… and I still can’t believe I’m saying that. It cracked something open, and I’ve carried so much stuff around my entire adulthood (and teenage years if I’m being honest) that hasn’t served me. My biggest trauma is at 17, it’s always stood out the most, so much that I’d legitimately forgotten about the damage I took as a child, that I forgot about the damage at 16 right before the catastrophic events at 17, and sure I remembered 24, but I didn’t even know how to process this last February. And I’m livid at that one the most right now, promising myself I’d never get hurt again, or I’d kill them even if it cost my own life. It’s so fresh! February was what, not even 5 months ago? But this was so different and confusing, I guess they all are. I agreed to participate, but I never agreed to someone changing the game on me mid act. That’s not consent, and it took me until last week to validate that, and myself, and to begin processing it. I was bleeding, jfc. I’ve been celibate ever since, I can’t even be around people in certain contexts. This is all shitty. I hate how much space this takes up, that this is reality, that the statistics line up and none of this is unique.
Last week I was in the mountains in Utah working this out. I’ll try to elaborate on that when I have an extensive amount of time to type at a computer. I want to.