Monthly Archives: June 2019

I’ve been watching my friends cats for a few days while she’s out of town for a funeral. She’s only a few miles from me so I’ve beeb going over to feed them and hang out. It’s been nice having my “own” space with kitties. I’m dealing with a period for the first time in four months, the thing just kamikazed me a few mornings ago, and it’s been extra heavy, painful, exhausting, and I’ve been hungry af so today I grabbed Taco Bell and headed over to feed the cats, then sat on the couch to eat like a trash panda and binge watch NGE since it dropped on Netflix. I started this yesterday, how am I already on episode 23?!?! I’ve seen Rebuild since but never ran all the way through the series since the first time when I was 14.

Now we have flat screen TVs, tablets, and streaming content on high speed Internet. Way better than being on a folding chair in a small home office in front of an e machines pentium II computer with burned cd’s a friend provided in high school. It’s funny how over the years I did come to relate to Misato over Rei, and this did age very well. Oh god, I guess now… now I basically drive my dream car, have some career in an operations context (currently), live somewhere far from where I grew up where there’s trees and water and mountains, live in a very comfortable home I’ve created, am definitely not a virgin anymore (I still hate the connotations around that), definitely have had my heart broken, have broken hearts myself, have done a lot of shit teenage me never would have imagined, and still feel like there’s a really long list of stuff waiting to be checked off. I don’t know if 14 year old me would be proud, it’s not like I had any idea of what’s I wanted or knew what the future would look like, but this would have been shocking. I hope I’d have some compassion and understanding for the traumas and health issues and struggles that have occurred over the years. I still try to get better at this as an adult.

Well, the cats have been nice. Picking up my friend from the airport tomorrow will be nice, and seeing other friends the last couple days have been great. The nostalgia of things have been eating at me pretty hard the last few days. It hadn’t even occurred to me to blame pms, but that’s not like me anyway. I got a birthday reminder from Amazon, I didn’t need that reminder. I don’t need an email to remember. How tf is it already 2:30am?

I have not allowed myself to listen to Utada’s music for years, until tonight. This wasn’t planned, I’ve been digging for new music (and attempting to keep up with a steady supply of the darker witchier stuff currently spinning in Phoenix). I’ve been all over the map lately, when I usually go through music phases and binge through a genre for a few weeks, then switch out to another. A lot of tangents tonight brought me to seek her out, and Hatsukoi has been out for a year, but I wasn’t ready yet. I don’t know why (I guess I can kind of feel why) I was okay to peek, and was pleasantly surprised. We went full circle in 20 years of music, and I feel like I went full circle in some personal things over the last few years too.

I’ve been so cautious for so long, all while thinking I’d been taking risks and huge jumps at certain milestones. But that’s a lie I tell myself, the benchmarks I’ve compared against aren’t that high, and a lot of people are paralyzed to go after what they truly want, or to test their potential to the limit. I’m still far away from that, and it’s been tough getting to that realization. I’m still not sure how to push harder with health and other restrictions, sometimes I think I have a direction, sometimes I think it’s wrong and I go in circles, and sometimes I don’t have a clue and just try to brute force until I see something.

I’m rambling at 1:58am, I guess it’s been a while. I haven’t gotten enough sleep in a long time (excluding the occasional weekend sleep in binges) and it’s mostly circumstantial, but I’m working on fixing it.

I haven’t been able to sit down and think out / write out the last week of my life. It’s the most important week to date, more important than any achievement, failure, trauma, or happiness I’ve ever experienced… and I still can’t believe I’m saying that. It cracked something open, and I’ve carried so much stuff around my entire adulthood (and teenage years if I’m being honest) that hasn’t served me. My biggest trauma is at 17, it’s always stood out the most, so much that I’d legitimately forgotten about the damage I took as a child, that I forgot about the damage at 16 right before the catastrophic events at 17, and sure I remembered 24, but I didn’t even know how to process this last February. And I’m livid at that one the most right now, promising myself I’d never get hurt again, or I’d kill them even if it cost my own life. It’s so fresh! February was what, not even 5 months ago? But this was so different and confusing, I guess they all are. I agreed to participate, but I never agreed to someone changing the game on me mid act. That’s not consent, and it took me until last week to validate that, and myself, and to begin processing it. I was bleeding, jfc. I’ve been celibate ever since, I can’t even be around people in certain contexts. This is all shitty. I hate how much space this takes up, that this is reality, that the statistics line up and none of this is unique.

Last week I was in the mountains in Utah working this out. I’ll try to elaborate on that when I have an extensive amount of time to type at a computer. I want to.