I’ve been incredibly fatigued lately. Nausea hit hard yesterday and this morning was so bad I canceled my shuttle to sleep in and will have to drive downtown again this week. I’ve been running at a pace I can’t physically handle for a while but it’s jot like I’ve had a choice. At least some of it is going to change soon and hopefully it’ll be more manageable.
So of course I have a stress dream this morning where I’m sitting on a bed with some clothes strewn about and then Josh is there acting like nothing ever happened. We’re in this living room around other people and Idk if the third party is a roommate or if I live there, everything looks foreign to me, everything feels foreign. And that persons asking some questions trying to make small talk and brings up social media. This is where I mentioned recently killing my social media accounts (which I did irl and haven’t reactivated yet).
So irl I’ve discovered over and over how there are certain people who I’d like to keep in contact with but can’t because I killed some accounts. I’m going to have to go back at some point and feel bad I disappeared without saying anything but shit got bad.
Anyway in the dream I mentioned recently killing social media and Josh is like “I should just delete mine since I never log in anyway” and perma deleted fb instead of just deactivating, which in turn perma deleted everything from the internet, his online presence was gone. His presence would be gone, like he was in my imagination. It was beyond unsettling, like I could never reach him but he could always find me if he wanted to. It felt unfair. And I felt stupid, why would I ever be compelled to reach out after everything that happened? I was still hurt and angry, I missed the fallacy, I missed a man that wasn’t real. I gave my greatest love to a lie. I am the fool. Dream me went through all of these thoughts before waking up. I’m exhausted af physically and emotionally, and I’m tired of my brain putting me through this when I need rest and just want to move on.