Monthly Archives: April 2019

Woke up, still felt completely burnt out physically and mentally and took a sick day, went back to sleep and right into a dream where I was driving on the freeway, and in the dream you don’t really know where you are, but then when you wake up realize it’s the 202 westbound in Phoenix, the curve between the 143 and 44th st by Sky Harbor airport.

Well in the dream it was evening and an suv and some other car are in front of me on the curve. It’s a wide curve but with the high walls the visibility doesn’t go far. The suv turned out to be DPS and pulled over the car in front of him, being in the far left lane of the curve I moved over a lane as they we’re pulling over to the shoulder, then there was another suv in front of me pulling over another car and I realized this was a trap where patrol was waiting for drivers. I moved over to the right again before I could see the orange cones starting to close the right lane, or the black sedan that was jackknifed right in front of them and that’s when I collided head on with it.

I “woke up” in another vehicle and saw my car turned around on the freeway, the front end was essentially gone and the windshield shattered so there was glass everywhere on the ground. An officer was standing outside the car, asking me if I’d been acting more on impulsively lately, or been partaking in increasingly reckless activities, and then asked me if I’d been getting enough sleep and I was all “what?” And this is where I woke up. *eyeroll*

I’ve been incredibly fatigued lately. Nausea hit hard yesterday and this morning was so bad I canceled my shuttle to sleep in and will have to drive downtown again this week. I’ve been running at a pace I can’t physically handle for a while but it’s jot like I’ve had a choice. At least some of it is going to change soon and hopefully it’ll be more manageable.

So of course I have a stress dream this morning where I’m sitting on a bed with some clothes strewn about and then Josh is there acting like nothing ever happened. We’re in this living room around other people and Idk if the third party is a roommate or if I live there, everything looks foreign to me, everything feels foreign. And that persons asking some questions trying to make small talk and brings up social media. This is where I mentioned recently killing my social media accounts (which I did irl and haven’t reactivated yet).

So irl I’ve discovered over and over how there are certain people who I’d like to keep in contact with but can’t because I killed some accounts. I’m going to have to go back at some point and feel bad I disappeared without saying anything but shit got bad.

Anyway in the dream I mentioned recently killing social media and Josh is like “I should just delete mine since I never log in anyway” and perma deleted fb instead of just deactivating, which in turn perma deleted everything from the internet, his online presence was gone. His presence would be gone, like he was in my imagination. It was beyond unsettling, like I could never reach him but he could always find me if he wanted to. It felt unfair. And I felt stupid, why would I ever be compelled to reach out after everything that happened? I was still hurt and angry, I missed the fallacy, I missed a man that wasn’t real. I gave my greatest love to a lie. I am the fool. Dream me went through all of these thoughts before waking up. I’m exhausted af physically and emotionally, and I’m tired of my brain putting me through this when I need rest and just want to move on.

I’ve been dreaming most nights but they’ve all been extra chaotic and I haven’t had the time most mornings to unpack them so they fade into obscurity.

I woke up feeling pretty nauseated and dehydrated despite downing quite a bit of water earlier and just feel like there’s nothing to give. No energy, noodley arms, noodley body. But the last dream was such a fucking mess I thought maybe go over the highlights even if I can’t get all the details.

I was walking up a road going over a hill with some guy I didn’t know and this chick in a dark red robe, when I turned around I noticed there was a rope around her waist and it was dragging on the ground, the guy and I were chatting about where we were trying to take her where she’d be okay, Idk if she escaped from somewhere or what happened. We ended up inside this hanger but it was being used as a parking lot and there were a few cars. We waited and saw someone take off in one, then we took off in a small white car that looked like it was made in Europe in the first half of the 20th century.

I was walking aimlessly after that chick left like I didn’t know what was going to happen next, and started going back towards another hanger that looked like it had been converted to a general metalworks shop or something and was wondering if dude was gonna follow or not and was aggravated when he hadn’t and if that meant figuring a way out on my own.

There’s some bit where I was in bed and Idk whose bedroom it was (was it mine?) and there was a kitty and I tried to get it’s interest to come up so I could pet it, and eventually it did come up and then I panicked about where it’s food and water was so I got up and opened the bedroom door to go find stuff. I was in the hall (the stairs to go downstairs were in the middle of the room) but there was a kitchen on the floor I was on. There were also other cats, my wifey’s cats irl, and some others, all kind of hanging out. There was a huge spread in various bowls on the floor that looked like a Korean dinner. I still went to the kitchen looking for actual cat food and water and saw these packs on the counter with cans and cans of Friskies and when I went to grab one it was bloated and didn’t look safe. Idk if it expired, there were these weird popover looking baked caps on them, I picked another and the cap crumpled, then some juice leaked out, I wasn’t comfortable giving these to the cats. Then mom showed up talking about requirements for some other place like she was expecting me to move even though I was only aware of these 1-3 cats being my responsibility. Then I saw brand new kittens, like weeks old and wondered how they happened. I asked wifey when I saw her and she said some of the others hadn’t been fixed in time and I was all… so some siblings had kittens?! ._.

I’m missing a lot of dream here, eventually a huge red truck that you’d think was the size of a fire truck but it wasn’t a fire truck came out and some non-binary person with colorful hair stepped out with my wifey (maybe the cat thing happened after?), and then that person’s security detail came out and they were all huge and armed. Some stayed behind and some took off. They sat at the table outside under a pop up canopy and I hesitated since no one seemed interested in interacting me, and I didn’t want any effort to be seen as trying to get in good with someone I didn’t know with an agenda.

I went inside the middle door in a triplex that ended up being huge because the steps went down into the ground, but it was all wooden like an old tavern and a Muse song was playing very loudly and I was singing at the top of my lungs with it as I walked in like it was some kind of grand show, then I leaned down from the stair to the floor, running to the other platform on the other end of the room past a bff’s mom who is a fairy at ren faire, and turn back to see an ex from college sitting on the steps looking at me in disbelief and I wasn’t sure if it was mostly wtf was that, wtf am I doing here, why is this happening, or what else it might have been. There was another flight of wooden stairs that went down to two rooms (or two small apartments?) that were being rented out and I think the place belonged to the bff’s mom? In one room to the left, I think it was being rented by my first ex bf, and I knew the person renting the one on the right. It can’t remember who it was supposed to be. I woke up around here.

That’s still a lot, and I still can’t remember a lot, it was chaotic af. I wish I knew which Muse song it was, or if it was a real one. I’m also coming to a realization there’s been a common theme in the last few months where whenever there’s a cat or there are cats in my dreams I want to pet them, and as soon as I realize they’re mine I panic about where their food and water is because I can’t remember the last time I fed them. Why is this a theme? Why does this keep happening?

Apparently Jöshua graduated from sad dreams that make me cry about what I’d never have into bizarre stress dreams. I guess joining the ranks of others I’ve walked from is… something. Regardless I still hate that after all the his time, and despite what I know, he’s still there some nights. I hate that my brain cycles do this, with anyone.

I’m missing a lot of pieces, I woke up in the middle of the night coughing for no reason. But there was some part where we were walking through some area at night, like in some residential complex but the sidewalk ended and it was grassy, there was water, and I was comparing the size of a pool to the right to another one I’ve dreamed of previously. We kept walking and the only way forward was though water but I didn’t want to get my silver purse wet, I tried hanging on to the black bars or the fence surrounding the pool but then I was half swimming half going from rail to rail and was aggravated. He asked what was so important about not getting it wet and I mentioned my wallet was in there, my ss card wasn’t laminated (I don’t even carry it around irl). I made it to the other side and set my things next to his phone and some other stuff.

I chilled at a corner and he was under water, hanging out at the bottom of the corner I was at when I went to the right, then pushing off the floor of the pool with his feet and swimming to another area. This pool reminded me of the one in the complex I grew up in, but only to try and estimate it’s depth. That pool was 13’ at the deep end, this one seemed to be at least that much. I was floating and holding on to the edge lightly with my right hand, then moved back into a corner and chilled. We were skinny dipping and then I was hanging out and looked down to see I was wearing my “keep calm and kill zombies” tank (but I never got up or put anything on, dream magic). Earlier I had a thought, wondering if he was going to sneak up from under me to start playing with me or go down on me. The feelings were very mixing with high anxiety, it was really confusing.

We were in the smaller (it was still pretty big) jacuzzi and I was hanging out in another corner when my arms out to support myself from going under when a group of older ladies showed up. The water had drained and we were about to call maintenance when Jöshua stated it was due to some emergency police or fire were involved with (I can’t remember which) and the resources like continual electricity for heat and water were rationed for said thing, he was laying on his side across me, with his back against my chest and I thought… oh, well if he knew this why didn’t he say anything sooner. I was aggravated. I just stroked his hair.

The ladies eventually got up to leave, and he started telling me about work shit. Work shit spanning as far back as the implosion of our org to where he was now. How he was smarter about things and better equipped to handle them from experience but it never meant it got easier, it was the same hard bs. That was relatable. He started talking about something that sounded like a drug test to me but I wasn’t 100% sure, then he referenced something that basically sounded like a pap smear to me, but rectal and I was extremely confused.

We were out of the water and I had to collect my things before I left, I was under the impression I’d never come back to this place. There was also some side thing in my mind about having to go directly to Wisconsin to return some awful cheese that I later remembered was acquired from Costco, but it was too late to return it for some reason. I couldn’t remember what state I was in, I pulled up maps which showed Wisconsin was right above Washington (because dream maps don’t have to match reality) and I was all ohhh that’s why I couldn’t picture it, weird. And thought of Wisconsin as a mini Canada, or being Canada lite. You go there and it’s like going to Canada without crossing an international border, also cheese. I thought how convenient, I can drive there when I’m back in a Washington (I realize I’m still not sure which state I’m in at the time but am guessing the general southwest).

I start trying to gather my things, quickly realizing I need a canvas tote bag or three. I’m grabbing items, find a stack of my books I didn’t remember sneaking in, some old receipts, and as I sit there on the carpet going through stuff (I don’t remember going inside), I turn to sit in front of a door and realize I’m looking at the metal computer desk that I’ve had since I was a teenager, and I still have that irl. I wasn’t sure how to toss it, I couldn’t bring it with me and wasn’t sure if I every needed it or not. I hate being wasteful though, and reverted back to thinking about getting it through the door next to me and leaving it in the lawn in case someone wanted to come by and take it. I woke up somewhere around here.