Monthly Archives: February 2019

5:51AM

“There are a hundred things she has tried to chase away the things she won’t remember and that she can’t even let herself think about because that’s when the birds scream and the worms crawl and somewhere in her mind it’s always raining a slow and endless drizzle.

You will hear that she has left the country, that there was a gift she wanted you to have, but it is lost before it reaches you. Late one night the telephone will sign, and a voice that might be hers will say something that you cannot interpret before the connection crackles and is broken.

Several years later, from a taxi, you will see someone in a doorway who looks like her, but she will be gone by the time you persuade the driver to stop. You will never see her again.

Whenever it rains you will think of her.”

Neil Gaiman

Damage

Woke up from a dream that felt like it was a lifetime ago and it’s fading and getting fuzzier by the second. It was unsettling and a lot was going on, there was something towards the end where it was like watching a movie, this woman had captured someone who harmed her or something she loved and she had them restrained on her couch, she wanted revenge and tried to shoot them but couldn’t pull the trigger. Somewhere else someone she worked with on resolving this issue was out dealing with some other business and was dealing with a lot of facetious dismissal because his badge or ID or whatever thing he had that proved his status wasn’t on him at that time. He looked down, smiled, laughed and shrugged it off because he was on his way back to see her anyway so who cares.

Back in the apartment she stepped out from the hall with a gun drawn in both hands and a blindfold over her eyes. She hadn’t realized her captive had quietly undone their restraints and had slipped away. The gentleman who had rushed back to her opened the apartment door and a moment later she pulled the trigger killing him. For a second there was darkness, then it looked like the room was covered in shredded newspaper up to his chin. She took her blindfold off and saw him fall to the ground, and I woke up.

Kidnapping

Just woke up from a dream my rapist from when I was a teenager kidnapped me and took me to some chop shop in what looked like west Phoenix, and then it turned out to be somewhere off Flamingo in Vegas. He started raging about my fb posts calling him out.

All I wanted was a nap, brain. Woke up exhausted too.

Unexpected trades

My heart is heavy this morning after having a really hard come to Jesus talk with someone that matters to me. Friends did this for me in 2013 and it hurt, I recoiled, but I saw the intent and worked on it later when I had my bandwidth back. It did take self work and therapy.

Last night, someone I cared for and I got into an ugly yelling match and when I got up to leave he asked me not to, we calmed down enough to continue, and I laid it out on the table. Not to rip him apart, but to show him his blind spots because I know he’s a smart person with a good heart and he could do better and be happier if he has awareness over what’s weighing him down and takes steps to address them. I didn’t care if he shot the messenger, and this morning it seems like he did.

I’m also in a weird place for another reason. There’s some weird timing running into someone I had a falling out with almost a year ago and being in the process of reconciling with them, and then not even 24 hours later having this brutal talk with someone else only for them to drop me. I’m happy to get a friend back, I’m sad to lose another.

Blind Rage

I was the dragon lady tonight. Only 3 or 4 people have ever seen this side of me, and I’ve never been proud or happy about it. I’m just sad things had to blow up before they could be addressed.

Meant to be

We were always meant to be, even if that doesn’t mean meant forever. Even if it means for a moment, or a short period of time. This new chapter is making me realize that about the previous ones. I still don’t believe in predestination or fate. Some things have come up that try hard to mimic that, but many things have tried before too. So it’s okay, and everything that’s happening now?

I want to bow out quietly. I want to stop because I’m seeing flags and they don’t shine red, but they still burn orange. I haven’t even begun to unpack what I’m observing, nor do I have the bandwidth or the spoons. I don’t know how they’ll be received, or if that effort will be reciprocated (since it hasn’t been in the past), but who am I to say this is just a repeat with someone else? Everyone deserves a clean slate, right? Is this where I usually demolish potential to salvage friendship? Am I sabotaging myself by playing it too safe? I was just recently called out on this and was strongly encouraged to see how this plays out. But what if none of these things are wrong and aren’t mutually exclusive? These could all be facts, and then they’re all factors. Everyone is tired of getting burned. I’ve learned not to ignore my intuition, but maybe it’s not calibrated properly anymore. Maybe it’s too sensitive and I’m about to kill a good thing before it even has a chance. I need to have this conversation and I don’t know when it’s going to line up.