Monthly Archives: January 2019

Fictional Places

Crazy dream the town houses I grew up in were partially torn down and partially used within a new complex design for split residential and commercial space. I was walking through one that had stained concrete floors, and that general minimal grey and white palate kind of like what I remember from some of an old employer’s HQ. I was visiting Rowley and followed him up the stairs then made a wrong turn left and he directed me right. He had my old room! It still had the purple walls I painted but it was expanded and had a floor to ceiling glass wall that faced out to 44th and the old elementary school was gone, it had been replaced by businesses and there was a little Mexican restaurant across the street. He also had two of my old paintings that were accidentally left behind on the walls, and the wall facing in was also partially glass with a glass door that was relocated further in from where it was originally. There were interesting things going on but it was the architectural changes in that dream that really stood out.

Old & New

When is it never busy? I wrote out a jokingly “obligatory” 2019 reflective and looking ahead thing, while acknowledging this demarcation is arbitrary and everything was already set in motion, it’s all continuing on, and running in parallel.

To summarize, it was basically… stuff carried over. What started last year, I’m gonna finish with a vengeance.
I’m caring for my mom now.
My insane abusive job situation died with 2018.
Still trying to figure out new routines.
Wallowing in the past when I’ve had downtime between chaotic events. I need to leave things and stop picking them up when it’s time to let go.
I feel really good about my heart being hardened in some aspects but am trying to remember new people don’t deserve to be viewed through a lens that was earned by others. It’s been hard to genuinely make connections that aren’t platonic. I’m trying to be more mindful of this because I would like a partner to share my life with.
And finally, I became the goth queen I wanted to be when I was 13 (we’ve seen that meme), and then I wanted to be the evil queen, so that’s how I arrived on NYE.

I’m trying to burn everything down with matches and gasoline that I have to stay away from so picking them up isn’t even an option. The difference between now and 6 years ago, is I’m pulling the trigger this time and am purging on purpose. I’ve avoided many things I’ve enjoyed and loved off and on over the years, a big one symbolically being Utada’s music. I didn’t even catch that album release in June, and was only able to get through a little bit of it before it started to get overwhelming. But again, I know it’s residual. The meaning behind what started these aversions is gone. It’s also hard to remember I was sold a lie, and given a fake ideal and rhetoric for years. It blinded me from understanding what the real thing should look like, feel like, be like. I have to keep going, and part of that is opening back up to the things I loved but were thrown out of my life due to avoidance. I know the associations will eventually fade, but I wish I put in this emotional labor years ago. I’m going to start here because it represents the old and the new. I know what I’ve always wanted, and it is my obligation to myself to not settle for less, or mistake someone’s fallacy from what’s genuine.