Well I’m in a weird place mentally and emotionally. Idk what to call it. Everything’s still on fire but it’s some sustained slow burn now. Courts tomorrow. In the meantime I’m reading docs and learning ish for the new team. I’ve been so busy responding to crisis after crisis you’d think a break would be welcome, but all my downtime has been turning into some obsession about the past and a trip to depression land. What is even happening anymore?
I think I’m managing the current circumstances pretty well.
It’s the downtime I’m having trouble with. I thought I emotionally moved on (in whole) from a toxic relationship. We still cared about each other when I cut it off. It doesn’t feel strong, it feels weak. I’ve taken other jobs and moved along in my career, moved across the country, met amazing new friends and held on to old friendships that I still keep close to my heart. I’ve dated off and on during this time and have had to learn not to hermit, and how to give everyone a clean slate instead of carrying bias from the past. I’ve been single for a long time and I go back and forth between not knowing how to change that to not being sure if I really don’t want to change that or if it’s denial and fear. Fear I can’t handle it, fear I don’t have a choice, or fear that when I do find it I won’t recognize it or I’ll screw it up. Also with everything that’s going on it’s not even close to being a priority. I’ve been lonely, but I won’t jump into something just to fill some void. I’d rather be lonely than be in a relationship for the wrong reason. And I didn’t see that rant coming.