Monthly Archives: December 2018

This is what losing fucks left and right looks like.

May the bridges I burn light the way.

Closure is rare, messy, and never what you expect… if it ever shows up at all. Confirmation this morning that would have devastated me a year ago, or a few months ago, was welcome news today.  Idk how to describe this feeling, I might experience an emotional rollercoaster for the next couple days, but this is the closest thing to closure I’ve had in years and I feel like I just exhaled.

Once upon a time I wanted to be the one, but it’s genuinely okay that I’m not.  It’s better this way. This hasn’t mattered for a long time, the stress and loneliness has exacerbated heartbreak for way longer than it should have lasted, even if it ebbed and flowed despite my efforts to move on.   I couldn’t speculate and kill myself anymore.  And the part of me that’s been stunted for the last few years made a move towards catching up with the rest of the progressive I’ve had over time.

There’s not enough investment to hate, or hold anything inside other than indifference.  It is what it is. 

I’m not ready to drive across the country again. Tomorrow is going to be the 4th trip since November 2nd. It’s the 5th drive if you count coming back from Blackhat in August.

We were supposed to go today but are delayed till tomorrow. I’m dying. I feel weak and am hoping I’m not getting sick. Moms wiped out and I’m worried about her health now too.

“I think the hardest part of letting go of an old relationship is letting go of the idea that you will receive any form of contrition, absolution, apology, appreciation, satisfaction, etc from that person. Letting go includes letting go of the idea that that person will see things from your perspective and feel the need to contact you about it. Sure, rarely this occurs, maybe they got into AA and some forcing function encouraged them but it’s unlikely. So it’s a fairy tale we often subconsciously believe in. This fairy tale traps a part of us from moving on.”

Well I’m in a weird place mentally and emotionally. Idk what to call it.  Everything’s still on fire but it’s some sustained slow burn now. Courts tomorrow. In the meantime I’m reading docs and learning ish for the new team. I’ve been so busy responding to crisis after crisis you’d think a break would be welcome, but all my downtime has been turning into some obsession about the past and a trip to depression land. What is even happening anymore?

I think I’m managing the current circumstances pretty well.

It’s the downtime I’m having trouble with. I thought I emotionally moved on (in whole) from a toxic relationship. We still cared about each other when I cut it off. It doesn’t feel strong, it feels weak. I’ve taken other jobs and moved along in my career, moved across the country, met amazing new friends and held on to old friendships that I still keep close to my heart. I’ve dated off and on during this time and have had to learn not to hermit, and how to give everyone a clean slate instead of carrying bias from the past. I’ve been single for a long time and I go back and forth between not knowing how to change that to not being sure if I really don’t want to change that or if it’s denial and fear. Fear I can’t handle it, fear I don’t have a choice, or fear that when I do find it I won’t recognize it or I’ll screw it up. Also with everything that’s going on it’s not even close to being a priority. I’ve been lonely, but I won’t jump into something just to fill some void. I’d rather be lonely than be in a relationship for the wrong reason. And I didn’t see that rant coming. 

I keep going for walks with the past in my head.  It’s been maddening.  So has the immense physical pain I’ve been feeling for days. I can’t wait to get this mitigated… at least I hope it can be. 

I forgot I could get this depressed (not really), there’s more going on than I can deal with long term. I know it’s not sustainable, it’s not supposed to be, but I don’t see a break in this anytime soon. The exhaustion’s not helping.  Driving cross country is hard, doing it three times in under a month is crazy but there isn’t really a choice. 

I wish I could have good dreams that wouldn’t break my heart when I wake up.

For the longest time you were my dream.

Well intended friend: “When you come out on the other side of this, you are going to one strong, independent force to be reckoned with.”

Me: “I thought I already did that when I broke up with a bf of three years and lost my job a week later in 2012, and then moved into a toxic roommate sitution and into a bad job the same quarter, or with not dying in 2013, or getting strong enough to go back to work in 2014, or going back to university in 2015, or having my heart broken and then moving across the country in 2016, or getting through a year of harassment in 2017 and somehow managing to keep my job. I’m over it. I’m tired of shit piling. Not having time to repair, will degrade any bridge over time.”

I fucking hate that expression, or mentality. I get people are usually well intended but it’s the worst thing they can say, and this was a super high level overview, and I could have started at 2005 instead of 2012. I could have gone further back than that. Ffs.