My body is revolting against me. It’s never been the healthiest system but lately it’s been bad. I think I’ve been awake an accumulative 10 hours over the last 48, and the longest stints were in two hour increments at urgent care and while acquiring food. Otherwise it’s been small spurts to drink water or down NSAIDs.
This is day 3 of this bedridden bs, day 2 on antibiotics… I hate antibiotics. It took months on two different probiotics to fix some crazy gut issues and now they’re all getting massacred. I’m still taking them at night and hoping it still spaced out far enough from the antibiotics to not be pointless, maybe I can rebuild faster this time. Idk. I can’t handle pneumonia vaccines. This is a bad reaction like last year, and it caused a secondary infection, and I caught a cold for the first time in two years at the same time. Fuck. All. Of. This. I’ve been up for two hours today and already feel too weak to stay awake.
Yesterday I made a joke about having to pull myself from the network and install malware, then spent days in safe mode while scrubbing this shit from my system. It’s a slow and agonizing process. It feels like the end is never coming. My arm is still red, hot, the skins still raised up, and it hasn’t shrunk from the second outline I penned yesterday.
I’m just laying in bed complaining. This is day three in isolation. When I posted the analogy the other day about never getting used to hunger and how that’s what starving for affection feels like. I thought about how illness really compounds the loneliness. I wish someone was here to comfort me, hold me for a few minutes while I pass back out before they get back up and go do their thing. I haven’t had that kind of support in forever, and even when I did it was never right anyway. My track record is shit. I’ve expended so much mental energy into trying to ignore, deny, or pursue this lack of intimacy in my life. And it makes me feel like I’ve wasted years, and not just on that. I’ve been in survival mode for years professionally, I have a couple months here and there that look like something better but I haven’t had any real growth, or anything to show for the last couple years. It bothers me. It makes me question the choices I’ve made, the directions I’ve pursued, if I’m on the right path. Wtf can I do different or “extra” when I’m already running on deficits? There were deficits before I got viral sick and vaccine reaction sick and on antibiotics due to skin infection sick. I haven’t felt super absorbed and passionate about anything I’ve personally done in years. It’s probably why there’s been this unsteady contrast. I go to a couple shows when I’m well enough and the live music and interactions with the crowds are so good they’re life affirming events. It’s immersive but still indirect. I need something from within. I’ve always thought of myself as a passionate person who wasn’t afraid to take leaps. Where did that go? I am the walking dead. I can’t even manage that right now since I’m still bedridden. Ugh