This feels like a slow drowning. Everything is on fire, and it’s been like this for a while but the resilience I was lucky enough to have for a while isn’t holding on.
I asked my friends online if they believed in a “calling,” or “finding ones calling,” and said I would have a difficult and rambly time trying to articulate this one. Whether religious or not, have they ever felt they’d found that calling or were they searching for it? I guess some people reference this as purpose or passion too. I’ve also seen some articles come out recently saying searching out or chasing unknown passions was dangerous instead of chasing exposure and experience, and then figuring out what you’re good at and like and then developing it into a passion. Opinions are fun.
Some friends gave their input on having no clue, or knowing they’d always want to be a parent, always wanted to help people and some chose the medical field, etc. One friend said “A calling is something that stirs you in a place deep inside. Even without putting religious overtones to it. Your calling doesn’t need to be your job/career. It can be a hobby, family, or any other thing that pulls your heart to it. Something that makes you want to put an effort forward to accomplish what must be accomplished for it.”
Great. There’s been this ongoing void in a few areas for a while but my professional life’s is on fire. I’m still at the same company and haven’t found another team to move to internally or externally. I am still working for the boss that harassed me in the interim, and he’s backed off since I won the appeal but this stress is wiping me out, and I know there’s this disparity between my tenure and skill sets after being held back for over a year that’s making this a bigger obstacle. More than one person in my chain who was supposed to help me and mentor me, whether as a senior team member, or the boss, has done more than let me down, they’ve been of the opinion I’m not worthy of my title, incapable, and I set out to prove them wrong. I could only ramp up so far though, and do need a supportive environment to develop into a better professional, it’s made me wonder if they’ve bled me out enough while fighting for survival that I’ve got nothing left to show when I try to climb into another opportunity. Idk if I’m discouraged and feel like giving up because I suck at this, or if it’s all circumstances, or a little A and a little B.
I keep getting stuck in catch22’s. Is it worth it? It’s like trying to climb up a cliff during a landslide. What else would I do? Where else can I make this kind of money? And I hate how my successes and “failures” have been mostly dependent on my male leadership. It’s within the good graces of two male leaders that I’ve made two great jumps in my career, and the abuses of four male leaders that I’ve suffered stagnation, stress, health problems, and financial losses through no advancement or promotion. And I get everyone goes through shit and every job has stress, but to see that dependency and to be able to draw it out on a timeline is enraging. This feels hopeless. So many women have dropped out of STEM roles because the harassment wasn’t worth it. I don’t want to be in that statistic. I don’t know how to keep going.