I didn’t want to say this last night because I didn’t want to scare anyone, and I’m not saying this now to be overly dramatic, but I’m going to be real here:
I haven’t been in suicidal levels of pain in a long time, and I was there last night.
Remember when I was so sick I thought I was going to die from that kidney infection in April and did go to the ER? It didn’t hurt as bad as last night. But I knew the cause of my pain in April, and I had an idea of what was causing last night. I live in pain daily, but not all days are created equal. Last night was so extreme I wasn’t sure I’d eventually be able to sleep through part of it, even with all the tricks I’ve picked up over the years to mitigate pain… they weren’t touching this. You start to wonder if the only way out of it, is to opt out entirely. The more than normal pain is still going right now, but has deescalated some. I’m not sharing this for pity, but with the attempt to normalize this kind of dialogue. More of us are autoimmune or live with chronic pain than we as a society acknowledge. This hits both men and women, but the overwhelming majority are women. We spend a lot of effort to present as “normal,” to perform and function and “keep up” with the rest of society, if we can even manage that much. We’re already running at deficits when we show up. Some of us cannot manage our pain, and I’m an example of someone who, even if I can manage it most of the time, sometimes I still get in over my head and it always takes me by surprise. My one post isn’t going to do anything, but I’d like to think some shift towards transparency on a larger scale would get us closer to breakthroughs and results. I’d also hope for a more compassionate world, where someone didn’t have to experience this first hand to show understanding and sympathy. This isn’t complaining, this is discussing one more facet of our reality. I see friends bash themselves and apologize for complaining. Stop. Say what’s on your mind and get it out. Sometimes calling out your pain and being heard can make a difference, so keep doing it unapologetically.