My mother called me yesterday afternoon to tell me how precious I was to her. She’d been listening to a sermon about loss, like losing a child and some other traumatic events that happen in life, and I forgot the rest. But she said she thought about the heartbreak she endured from losing my sister and then how it all turned around after me. I always feel like an inadequate consolation whenever this comes up, and the one time I expressed that she wasn’t too happy about it and said of course not, I am a wonderful daughter. She points out how I’ve always tried my best and keep pushing despite crazy medical ish or professional hurdles like bosses who’ve tried to get rid of me… and failed. I mean acknowledging that last parts kind of satisfying because I’ve won some crazy things, but I shouldn’t have had to go through those battles in the first place. Life is unfair, and I get it. I cried so much yesterday. I didn’t say anything about it. I had a pounding headache, my eyes burned. I slept a lot last night, it was very restless though. I feel like no matter how hard I fight to distract myself or keep up with my insanely busy life, I keep getting sucked back in… and Idk how mom knew to call right that that moment, but I felt really bad and really good when I heard from her. I keep thinking about the trip next month and driving through SF on my way to Phoenix. Idk if I should say anything. I’ve already said too much. I’ve already crossed lines. If I keep falling where I want to opt out, why do I keep struggling in it? This is painfully frustrating and I am so aggravated with myself.