I was just crying uncontrollably in my dream. You were there, Idk how. I’ve got bits and pieces of having a little girl in my arms and Idk if I was babysitting here but I was out grabbing a pizza and having a hard time holding her in one arm and trying to grab my wallet with my other hand, but was afraid to put her down like I’d lose her. It was a ridiculous juggling thing and eventually I got out of the way from the growing line behind me. And I noticed some of my collectors items, vinyl toys, and some vintage things, some things from when I was a child, and tried to pack some of them up to bring back but didn’t have the capacity for a lot so I tried to pick out what was important and go.
Then I went down the hall again to the front and saw a tall skinny awkward girl with looooong black hair at the counter and said “why is my daughter so much taller than me?” And she turned and shrugged and gave some stereotypical teenage response. And then I saw this older version of her with a couple kids of her own and a husband and it was some weird multigenerational thing.
And then I was laying in bed and you had your back to me. Idk how we got there, it felt like we were in an unresolved fight and there was silence because we didn’t know what’s to do, but we were afraid of losing that closeness, that comfort in proximity. I was hurting so bad inside and I knew you were too. I had my arm around you and was snuggled up against your back, and you finally spoke up and said you didn’t think I loved you anymore. And I tried to speak and my voice cracked, and I was choking down tears when I tried again and said I never stopped, I just forbade myself from contacting you because things were wrong. And after a little more silence you whispered something about instructing me to look at a bunch of flowers, get all of them, the ones that stood out, and that you were designing me a ring. I didn’t know how to respond to that, it felt like a promise I wanted… but it felt like a lie. Maybe it was a lie and this was your way to punish me because you felt some right to revenge. Even though I didn’t know what for, we were both there because we both cared and were both hurting, but I never created the barrier. Because I didn’t answer, you asked me if I wanted to do it instead, like it would ensure this would happen because now it was on me, and that’s when I lost it and started crying. Loud crying. Ugly crying. You’ve seen it before in 2016. This wasn’t any different. This was ugly and painful.
And I just woke up gasping and crying and I’ve just been laying here in bed. You were beside me a minute ago making a promise, and even in the dream I was in disbelief and had to let go of you and turn on my other side to try and control myself, and you were turning to hold me, and here I am by myself crying. This fucking hurts so bad. Regardless of how hard I try to move forward and do whatever I have to do in my life. Whether I talk to you or not. Whether we’re actively in each other’s lives or are suspended it still fucking hurts and I don’t know what to do with myself.