I need to vent this. I hate the fact that every time someone shows interest in me I can’t help but wonder how they’re going to (unintentionally or intentionally) try to use me or disrupt my life. I wonder who they’ve hurt in the past, what boundaries they’ve disregarded, how badly they’ve gaslight, or how far they’ve twisted reality to manipulate. I wonder whose bank accounts they’ve drained or whose health they tanked for personal gain or validation or whatever. I wonder who they’re seeing on the side and aren’t telling me about, or who they’ve made commitments to, and lied to while seeing me on the side and I’m oblivious (this has happened).
Everything I’m listing has happened to me and my friends. I know logically this is an epidemic and is not a gender issue. However, I’ve heard generic blanket examples from men about “crazy” women who pull stunts. I’ve heard countless first hand accounts from friends who are women who have dated men who never wanted to be an adult, never wanted to meet their partners half way, and were happy being taken care of financially and otherwise while making excuses for everything. And this doesn’t count any couples who’ve made agreements that work for them. This is pointing at the guys who throw excuses for everything from refusing office jobs or any job really because it’s beneath them but they won’t call it out for what it is. It’s the guys who made us feel like we were never enough, who said we weren’t pretty and could never do better, or who made us believe we were crazy when bringing up legitimate issues. Who then go on to tell others we’re crazy when we cut the cord and walk away when we find out dignity again and they no longer benefit from us trying to make it work or please them. I realized today there were two issues. Women who were raised or preferred more traditional roles to egalitarian ones probably get more notice from the men my friends and I have hoped to connect with (has their shit together) but we’re overlooked. Also, the deadbeat guys see strong independent women as an opportunity to be taken care of whether we agree to it or not. And this is a bait and switch situation where things start out okay and over time degrade slowly until it’s snowballing and you wake up one day asking yourself wtf happened? A lot of people claim to love strong women until strong women start doing strong women shit. Also I know all the pronouns I used here are heteronormative and thats because it’s easier for me to write it out this way, but the roles could definitely be reversed or interchanged. This configuration is what I’ve been overwhelmingly exposed to. Idk how we find healthy egalitarian partnerships. I see a lot of people struggling to find it, and friends joking they’re half of a “dink” (dual income no kids). I gave up on dating in the PNW and would be okay with a legitimate nsa fwb thing (which is not the same as lacking desire for anything with genuine substance if it were present) and everyone in this region can’t take that at face value, assuming there’s gotta be some catch so I fucking gave up on any kind of intimate connection while living here. There have been few exceptions where there was just an incompatibility in needs or dynamics but it’s rare. Idk if it would be better elsewhere or if this disconnect is spreading. I know I’m not the only one who has worried about it. I know people who found wonderful partners and it’s not perfect, it takes work, but they found their people and wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. I’m practical and a realist, but these seem more and more like flukes.
I don’t think anyone is looking for perfect, and feel like I need to add if anyone has ever breathed air and lived life, they’ll have issues. We all have issues, I have issues. What matters is acknowledging and owning them. I’ve been calling myself a WIP for years and I know a couple other friends do too. There’s nothing wrong with baggage or a diagnosis as long as it’s not being used as an excuse for bad behavior or as a justification to treat others poorly.