Monthly Archives: July 2018

Trust no one

I need to vent this. I hate the fact that every time someone shows interest in me I can’t help but wonder how they’re going to (unintentionally or intentionally) try to use me or disrupt my life. I wonder who they’ve hurt in the past, what boundaries they’ve disregarded, how badly they’ve gaslight, or how far they’ve twisted reality to manipulate. I wonder whose bank accounts they’ve drained or whose health they tanked for personal gain or validation or whatever. I wonder who they’re seeing on the side and aren’t telling me about, or who they’ve made commitments to, and lied to while seeing me on the side and I’m oblivious (this has happened).

Everything I’m listing has happened to me and my friends. I know logically this is an epidemic and is not a gender issue. However, I’ve heard generic blanket examples from men about “crazy” women who pull stunts. I’ve heard countless first hand accounts from friends who are women who have dated men who never wanted to be an adult, never wanted to meet their partners half way, and were happy being taken care of financially and otherwise while making excuses for everything. And this doesn’t count any couples who’ve made agreements that work for them. This is pointing at the guys who throw excuses for everything from refusing office jobs or any job really because it’s beneath them but they won’t call it out for what it is. It’s the guys who made us feel like we were never enough, who said we weren’t pretty and could never do better, or who made us believe we were crazy when bringing up legitimate issues. Who then go on to tell others we’re crazy when we cut the cord and walk away when we find out dignity again and they no longer benefit from us trying to make it work or please them. I realized today there were two issues. Women who were raised or preferred more traditional roles to egalitarian ones probably get more notice from the men my friends and I have hoped to connect with (has their shit together) but we’re overlooked. Also, the deadbeat guys see strong independent women as an opportunity to be taken care of whether we agree to it or not. And this is a bait and switch situation where things start out okay and over time degrade slowly until it’s snowballing and you wake up one day asking yourself wtf happened? A lot of people claim to love strong women until strong women start doing strong women shit. Also I know all the pronouns I used here are heteronormative and thats because it’s easier for me to write it out this way, but the roles could definitely be reversed or interchanged. This configuration is what I’ve been overwhelmingly exposed to. Idk how we find healthy egalitarian partnerships. I see a lot of people struggling to find it, and friends joking they’re half of a “dink” (dual income no kids). I gave up on dating in the PNW and would be okay with a legitimate nsa fwb thing (which is not the same as lacking desire for anything with genuine substance if it were present) and everyone in this region can’t take that at face value, assuming there’s gotta be some catch so I fucking gave up on any kind of intimate connection while living here. There have been few exceptions where there was just an incompatibility in needs or dynamics but it’s rare. Idk if it would be better elsewhere or if this disconnect is spreading. I know I’m not the only one who has worried about it. I know people who found wonderful partners and it’s not perfect, it takes work, but they found their people and wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. I’m practical and a realist, but these seem more and more like flukes.

I don’t think anyone is looking for perfect, and feel like I need to add if anyone has ever breathed air and lived life, they’ll have issues. We all have issues, I have issues. What matters is acknowledging and owning them. I’ve been calling myself a WIP for years and I know a couple other friends do too. There’s nothing wrong with baggage or a diagnosis as long as it’s not being used as an excuse for bad behavior or as a justification to treat others poorly.

Joy Luck Club

I never had many Asian friends growing up, and I guess being from AZ that’s not surprising at all. It’s funny dealing with other Asian people now (mostly Asian guys) who are shocked about it and then assume I curated all my mostly white and mostly nerdy or IT friends. It’s proximity and whoever was around that had like interests, but whatever. I’m beyond grateful for the wonderful ladies (and a couple of their SO’s who are along for the ride) this weekend in Portland. We’re all Asian American women who identify with goth culture and all have a similar lacking in childhood Asian friends that we never really noticed were missing while simultaneously noticing they weren’t present, and we all eventually found each other and introduced us to each other. There are five of us running around this weekend and another three who are in other states that we’d love to see the next time we coordinate something. We went out to a goth night last night, went to a fancy afternoon tea today, then to a punk Hawaiian place for dinner, and have more shenanigans tomorrow. There are still some unresolved issues going on in my personal life but having this support, and having distractions has stopped the stress from eating me alive. I’ve been dealing with some unusual heartburn the last two nights though and probably need to be a little more careful with what I’m eating. Earlier I woke up from a nap feeling like I was having an allergic reaction to something and had no idea what was going on so I had to take an antihistamine and a hot shower. Stress is awful.

Hey CDT, empty the cart

I’m just writing here to express my frustrations with the CDT person who called me to pitch some product and then left it in the cart after ending the call cause now I’m getting email reminders from GD to “complete the purchase” and I’m too lazy to dig my credentials and empty that cart (even though I’m taking the time to vent it on here but whatever). I stated this wasn’t a commerce site, or was anything I publicly advertised. This has always been personal space to vent and journal some weird shit I dream up.

Whoever is at GD, if you come back to this site, please empty the cart since I didn’t even place the product there. Also find it interesting the traffics showing Scottsdale and I’m wondering if that means they were in the Scottsdale office or if they were at the ASU research park but the networks all coming out through Scottsdale / maybe they were vpn-ing remotely / shrugs.

1:18AM

Every time I think of you and miss being comforted by you I think about that time you left me at Mandalay and I know you meant to let me sleep in but I didn’t know what was going on and it freaked me out and I remember the panic and adrenaline sinking in and how my stomach dropped to the floor because I felt abandoned.

It feels like I’m coming down with a fever

I feel hyper aware of everything and hyper sensitive to everything. My breathing, my bpm, the way my neck feels when I tilt my head to the left.

Ever been so pent up you felt slightly nauseated? Ever been so frustrated you felt light headed and thought you could easily pass out right there? Just me?

I have to bury this and go on with the day, there’s too much to do. This is going to be awkward.

Panic

One of my worst nightmares (that I’ve thought out a while back) just woke me up. Long dream with lots of stuff on and then I was in an suv on auto pilot while in the passenger seat in a ball gown (it was my birthday and I was upset I couldn’t ge my make up right when I needed to the most). I mean it was a long dream but I was trying to get to a facility to get a flight out to Phoenix and was at a military base. I ended up in the wrong spot by a dock, it was dark and there was no one by the gate, I had to get the vehicle to turn around and hopped into the driver seat but it backed up too far and off the doc into the water and started to sink and as soon as I backed into the water thought “NO.” Like my worst nightmare just happened and this is how I’m going to drown and die. It’s sinking and I try to unlock the door and before opening it I’m wondering if I have time to call 911 or if I can articulate or if they can find me in time or if I need to try to get out or if I’ll sink in the ice cold water in this gown and just woke up holy fuck. I’m trying to not cry and I feel ridiculous. That level of panic that I was about to die very painfully is awful.

In the earliest part of the dream I can remember I was basically Buffy but still looked like myself. I was still me, and was returning to my hometown from somewhere, no idea where. I was dead and couldn’t remember where it was or what happened there, and was in a dark blue floral summer dress (almost like one I own irl) and I was trying to find Casey (someone I was acquainted with years ago) but couldn’t find him and waited inside some cottage like place? It was warm inside, like warm hues you get from a fireplace or candlelight but nothing was on fire. And someone else came around and said “he better not be in there” and I realized it was in reference to Spike. I was there alone until this red headed chick came to get me, I forgot her name but it started with a C.. Chelsea? Maybe? And I got into a black carriage and Spike was inside to take me home and as we got closer we saw people coming up to the street to yell at us when they realized he was with me. I couldn’t remember why I was annoyed with him but put my hand up to his face and kissed his cheek cause he looked absolutely miserable from the reaction he was getting and wasn’t even fighting it.

I was wandering around in one of the halls in my high school in a blue gown and don’t remember what happened there. I’m missing a lot of the middle but there were bits like it being my birthday and putting on this light bunk floral gown that was kind of heavy and I was supposed to go to a thing, and people were prepping for it and there was a bunch of food. I thought I was all set to go and realized I wasn’t wearing any make up, like I still looked good but with the fancy af cake dress I could have done better so I went to grab my makeup bag and stood by the mirror. Then I was somewhere else and was frustrated I couldn’t get it right when usually it’s easy. The one time I really really cared it was just a disaster and I had a melt down and my mom was in the house going wtf, and then a friend I know who works at Sephora irl came out of another room and walked off before I could hit her up. I wiped the make up off and tried a second time and was like fuck it. Wiped all it off again and went with a clear face. It was dusk then but when I went outside again it was midday and it was bright. I was in a car and got turned around, realizing I was on the wrong side of the Mexican American border but was in line to get back and had my passport on me. And that’s when it got dark and I was in another suv and shit got bad. It was really scary.

Hard Mode

Sometimes I feel like I was just a game, just a play thing. And now that I’m no longer fun, no longer just an escape or fantasy, I’ve lost all value and desire in your eyes.

I hate the fact that I think these things or that they hold any weight. If any of this was true and I felt it, it would be much easier to move on.

Hannah

Just had a dream I had a 6 year old daughter named Hannah. Earlier in the dream I thought I was going to die in labor and it was so bad I blacked out so I couldn’t remember it. The ob also mentioned something about vaginal seizures every 5 minutes and I thought he meant spasms but he insisted seizures, and “tattooed” markers at different points in my vaginal canal where the seizures caused muscle spasms so wtf ob. She was so itty bitty at first and then she was growing up fast. She was the best thing that ever happened in my life, my everything. I couldn’t even remember labor at all other than some vague understanding that it was difficult and I probably couldn’t handle another one even though I could tell I was asking myself internally “…or could I?” Maybe it won’t kill me, I don’t rememeber it being so bad. And then looking at Grandma and a couple others at the table chatting and thinking things would get uglier. And Hannah was sick with a cold and everything was nuts, I had to travel and didn’t want to leave her. Grandma and I were not on good terms (it wasn’t my mom and idk if it was MIL). I don’t remember an SO or anything. I just woke up mid dream and am so exhausted.

Of course I woke up in the worst shape in forever. Full blown fibro flare. I thought this stress was gone now.

Debilitating Nausea

First day back from leave. Haven’t gotten out bed yet and the nausea is overwhelming despite taking meds last night. I could feel my muscles through my body tense up like it’s waiting for impact. Logically I know I’m in control here. I wish our emotions followed.

Phoenix

I simultaneously wanted to keep writing this out and keep putting it off.  The last two weeks were insane in a good way after months of stress and bs.  I went on leave and decided to spend that time in good company, recovering and enjoying my time, instead of stressing at home while waiting for some answers.  I feel like writing this out by days:

6/22: Landed in Phoenix and got lunch with a friend who picked me up from the airport.  Went to see Dita Von Teese with another girl friend after getting dinner downtown, which was absolutely amazing.    I needed to see Dita at least once and am so happy we made it.  After we ended up at the Rebel Lounge for a goth night I’d never heard of called Grave Wave and it was cool to see what the new owners did with the old Mason Jar.  I went across the street for a bit around midnight to grab a horchata and stayed for a chili relleno before going back, lol.

6/23:  We went to a place called Azukar for breakfast and they had horchata coffee! I didn’t know this was a thing.  They also had this really good vanilla chia pudding and my friend grabbed a breakfast sandwich thing.  Then we went shopping in Tempe and picked up some cute things at a vintage retro clothing store before heading to Chandler.  We met up with another friend for Mexican food later in the day then headed home to rest and nap.  We watched Donnie Darko and then Neon Demon, and it’s funny because her dog hates pretty much everyone and tolerates her sister and her boyfriend, but he ended up cuddling with me when I fell asleep on the couch and she took a photo of it for proof.  We ended up getting ready for a night called Nocturne in Scottsdale at Pub Rock Live (the old Chasers bar).  It was a fetish themed goth industrial night a few friends were spinning at, and a lot of old friends ended up attending.  My ex was there too, and it was fine since he’s smart enough not to interact with me.  Also, I was really fucking hot that night, and he didn’t age well. *shrugs*  This was a great dance night, I had lot of fun dancing and getting lots of hugs.

6/24:  Friend picked me up and I showed her the vintage clothing place that my other friend introduced me to.  I saw a turquoise cross the previous day I really wanted and decided to get it that day.  I’d been looking for one for yeeeears and hadn’t found one that I really really wanted until now, so it’s mine. 🙂   We went back to rest and I chilled with her cats.  We then checked out the new Asiana and then Mekong markets and got rolled ice cream.  Then got fili b’s for dinner when her husband got home.

6/25:  Went and picked up my rental.  They didn’t have the Mercedes CLA again and put me in a Jaguar XE… again. XD    Which is fine, I think it’s more comfortable.  I met up with a friend in Tempe for lunch at Postinos, then went home and rested.  Went to dinner with another friend at Casey Moore’s.  I was still hurting that day from getting a temp crown (replacing an old one) a week prior so I called my dentist in WA and she suggested seeing a specialist and I got a referral to go in the next day.  Also noticed I get hit on more in Phoenix than Seattle.  Seattle is so passive.

6/26: I got up early to see an endodontist in the Biltmore area.  There was a delay in cold sensitivity on that tooth and they said the nerve was almost dead and recommended a root canal.  I’ve never been afraid of the dentist or have been nervous of dental procedures before, but I’d also never had to deal with a root canal before either.  Eh, I decided to get this over with and scheduled for Thursday, and they started me on a z-pak.  Since I knew I’d be dealing with the root canal Thursday and wasn’t sure how rough the recovery was going to be, I decided to check out the San Xavier Mission that day.  I ended up grabbing goth mom and taking her with me.  It was a nice drive to get caught up and we got to see the mission right before the sun went down.  Then we went downtown to grab dinner and visited another friend in Tucson before heading home.  I was so tired after driving.

6/27:  I slept in. We got breakfast at Coronado, more horchata coffee happened.  It happened a lot on this trip, so did a lot of Mexican food.  I chilled at the house and with the cats for a while, took care of some stuff on the computer that needed to be handled.  Got ready and went to a night called Lilith in central Phoenix.  Great dance night too, but overcrowded for the size of the venue.  More friends and hugs.  A couple awkward moments but not bad.

6/28: Root canal.  This was rough, the endodontist didn’t realize how extensive the decay was until after taking out the old filling.  There was a lot of calcification from the tooth trying to save itself for years.  The original crown was bulky and didn’t lie flush so the poor tooth wasn’t protected the way it should, and now I have major trust issues with dentists and their quality of work. *sigh*  Half way through he said he wasn’t sure if the tooth was savable because he was getting close to the exterior and that freaked me out.  We stopped and took 3D x-rays.  He was able to confirm three canals, apparently there is a 50/50 chance of a back molar having 3 or 4, and luckily it wasn’t four.  That tooth was weird too, it grew in after all four wisdom teeth were pulled when I was a teenager, and it didn’t come in with enamel so it had a filling, and then got crowned in my early 20’s.  That thing was doomed.  I’m so grateful that endodontist was able to save the tooth and the x-ray showed him the extent of the decay and where to change directions.  These complications changed what was estimated to be an hour procedure into 3+.  It was hard, my jaw hurt, and they had to keep pausing to add more anesthetic cause it kept wearing off too fast.  Idk if that’s a developing resistance to the drug or if it’s just not as effective as I age due to other medical ish.  When I got home I was hungry but there was no way I could eat, I couldn’t feel half my face and decided to nap it off.  I had to call off dinner plans with a friend and recover.

6/29: I was stacking ibuprofen and acetaminophen.  Then I had this brilliant idea to call a chiropractors office I used to go to when I still lived in Phoenix and booked a massage that afternoon.  Then I checked out this Korean plaza near the old Fiesta Mall that was a huge disappointment, it looked way more interesting on the outside than it was on the inside.  Also going in with my hair up to show my piercings and tattoos, in a Killstar dress with pentagram straps in a plunging back dress was pretty entertaining.  I think most of the Koreans in there shared similar opinions to mi madre from the vibes I was getting.  It’s only incentive.  My friend got off work and I went over to her house, she made beef pozole for me since I was still in recovery.  We ate and chilled with her cats before visiting her husband at work and then grabbing food before I headed home.

6/30: I hosted brunch at Hula’s Modern Tiki.  My friend suggested dressing in theme so I packed a dress just for it and wore a flower in my hair.  This was a place I’d known about and had wanted to check out for years but it never lined up when I lived here.  Brunch was really nice, there were about 20 of us hanging out.  Most of us had to take off but a smaller group went across the street for froyo after photos.  Goth mom and I hung out for a bit before dropping her off and going home to rest.  The friend I was staying with was invited to a house/pool party/bbq thing before the two dance nights we’d planned on going to.  We went to the party and it was sooo fun, I saw so many friends I hadn’t seen in forever and met a lot of really nice people too.  Then we went home and got ready for the night.  I felt so pretty, I felt like such a proper goth.  We made an appearance at Addiction which was held at Rips (a dive bar I used to frequent for karaoke that I still adore), and then went down the street to Haxan at the Rebel Lounge where we were after Dita.  Haxan is amazing AF.  Addiction is a lot of the old school crowed (old school to me), and its similar format to what I’ve been hearing for years.  Haxan tries hard to showcase new music, a dj I like from LA came down this night, and I saw many more friends I hadn’t ran into.  This was a really nice mini reunion. Lots of dancing lots more hugs.  Went across the street for horchata at 2am and walked back to chat with the crowd outside the venue.

7/1: I woke up with my makeup still on and broke a cardinal rule.  It actually still looked kind of good too!  Went to pick up a friend and met with a couple others at an Indian buffet in Tempe.  Then we headed to The Grand for coffee on Central Ave.  That building used to be another venue next to Palazzo where Transylvania used to be held.  They’re gorgeous buildings.  The old Sanctum sign was reused at The Grand after the Sanctum club was sold and become Stacy’s.  Luckily Stacy’s is still goth friendly and hosts Lilith.  Sanctum is now a memory, and also a speakeasy inside The Grand that opens on Friday and Saturday nights. I’m sad I missed it this trip, so I’ll try for it next time.  We ended up at the  Kunzang Palyul Choling in Sedona.  I wanted to go last trip in February but we got there too late and the sun was going down.  This time we did make it during sunlight but it was too hot to stay long.  Then we went to Jerome and I showed my friend a jewelry shop I liked and we picked up a couple items, she got a birthday present for her husband since his birthday is in a few weeks.  She was super happy about it too since he’s difficult to shop for.  We stopped by Caduceus Cellars and she grabbed a bottle of wine for him, and I found this lavender milk chocolate with star anise and grabbed that.  We got dinner at Grapes a couple buildings down before taking the back way out of town and went through Prescott Valley to get back to the i-17.  We’d gone through Cottonwood to get to Jerome from Sedona, and I think the other way out with the trees and cliffs and switchbacks is way more fun and way prettier.  It was really nice to share this with someone.

7/2:  So I thought I was flying back on Tuesday even though I remembered I was leaving on 7/2… I was half right and a little bummed out but needed to be back in Seattle to take care of things.  My friend who was hosting me helped me drop off my rental and then we went to La Santisima.  This is his favorite place in town, and it was amazing.  I can’t believe I have such a long history with Phoenix and had never heard of this place before.  It was a good send off.  We went home and chilled with the cats.  I ended up napping and then packing everything.  We did happy hour at Switch before he dropped me off at the airport.  The flight back was pretty easy but it was hard to breathe when I stepped foot in SeaTac.  It felt like I was punched in the chest and I know it’s stress from current circumstances.  I’m still in control of what’s going on and I’ve already made efforts to improve things, but Seattle weighs heavy on me. Wifey picked me up from the airport and I felt a lot better when I saw her.  She took me home but was pretty tired and took off instead of staying.

The next morning was rough, I knew it was going to be lonely at home after not having to be alone for over two weeks.  But I wanted to surround myself with friends and not suffer through these transitions in my life.  I know I made the right decisions, I dropped a lot of stress, and while the situation isn’t over, I’m getting closer to the end.  I can feel it.  I made a post about how isolating Seattle is compared to Phoenix for me.  I have an amazing support structure and many friends in Phoenix, even after cleaning house years ago.  I’ve grown to love the landscape here.  I mean, I found all the good things I could when I was in Vegas, I have Vegas magic now.  Now imagine what I can do with Phoenix.  And I’ve been picking up here in my region and have found some wonderful things, but I don’t have a lot of people to share it with and that’s what I really want.  There is a small ache inside that I can’t share the things that bring me joy.  I don’t know how tomorrow is going to now that I’m coming back from leave, so I keep trying to remind myself that I’m still in control, and no matter what happens, I can handle it.  I have some prospects to follow up on and need to finish getting my house in order.

FB

“I’m in my house in Edmonds and am exhausted AF. Wifey picked me up from the airport and dropped me off. Seattle is painfully solitary compared to Phoenix but I am grateful for the handful of wonderful people I’ve gotten to know while living here and hope to see more of them here in the next week or so.

I wasn’t sure what/if I wanted to post anything tonight or had the energy. I know my posts have been looking more and more like survival mode over the last few months and there’s a reason, and I can’t talk about it in detail online despite really wanting to. Some of you are aware of parts of what’s going on from chatting in person. If anyone’s up for a coffee or a meal in WA I’ll be here through July. Vegas friends, I’ll see you in August.

The last week in Phoenix was magic. I saw so many friends I hadn’t seen in years, went to fun events, saw Dita Von Teese, got lots of hugs, (got a root canal), ate lots of good food, soooo much Mexican food, and was never alone for over a week. And there were so many fur babies too!!! It was the strength I needed to keep going through some hard issues. It was the reminder I needed that there are wonderful people in my life and that I am loved. I have hard decisions to make the next couple weeks+ and all I can do is try my best. I know so many of us are fighting our own uphill battles personally and professionally. Let’s try to remember to lean on each other and to seek out our communities when things get hard instead of hiding away. I encourage everyone to ping me and each other. I’ll do the same. I love you all. Good night.”