Monthly Archives: June 2018

On the way to grab food I realized downtown Tucson has a copper hue that Phoenix doesn’t.

https://youtu.be/p5xsQBGzpF0

Still painfully relatable sometimes.

I’m kind of sad about this. A very attractive man was hitting on me and it was all fun and games until he said something very similar that was said to me a few years ago. As soon as my brain made the connection, I couldn’t continue. Am I going to be ruined forever?

And my sex drives been fighting to come back to the surface. The intermittent ups and downs have been maddening.

Welcome to the wonderful world of resistance to local anesthetic and simultaneous sensitivity to them! Dealing with dental stuff has been a nightmare lately. I never had these issues before. Use an anesthetic, heart races, insta nausea, lightheadedness and feeling like you’re about to black out. I was grateful for laying in a chair while also being terrified I’d have to jump up in case the nausea won. We used so much stuff too and it wasn’t cutting it. The dentist said she usually only sees extra nerves in these areas in natural red heads, or maybe it’s fibro related. But my natural undertone is red anyway so… thanks white side.

They rescheduled me, told me to stop taking one script, and ordered another one for me to take right before the appointment. It helped, it made the anesthetic work a little better. Then we had complications replacing a crown and it was a goddamn mess, the appointment took twice as long and we didn’t cover everything. How aggravating.

And now my teeth hurt! I never understood this, you don’t feel the work while it’s happening. And I get the anesthetic wore off, but there is no active drilling so wtf. Teeth pain is the worst. !@#$

I hate how whenever everything’s on fire I want to reach out to you for comfort. It’s been a habit, and I still make that association. Really, I want to be held tight and cuddled, this is a different need from touch deprivation. You can’t help me. It’s not really what I want anyway. Yesterday a lawyer called me a strong woman when shaking my hand. There’s admittedly some pride there but he was being kind and what’s there to be proud of from enduring suffering for over half a year? I treaded too carefully for far too long trying to maintain a relationship with an entity that threw me under the bus as soon as I escalated for help. Even the strong need to be comforted. Sometimes they probably need it more.

Bonny hit me up today on LinkedIn to ask about the company I’m low key getting ready to leave, what timing lol. I tried to be as honest and neutral as possible, explaining people don’t leave companies, they leave bad managers. And I started out with a great one but after a couple reorgs I got screwed. It happens, that’s luck. I told her if she finds the right team and a good manager it’s heaven. I also gave info on the hiring process, company culture, how teams and orgs are structured, and stressed that I’d never discourage anyone from applying there because of my experience, but would just caution them. She appreciated the information and said she’d research and let me know if she wanted a referral.

I’m looking forward to Blackhat and Defcon this year, it’s such a relief getting confirmation that at least that’s been locked down. I need more comfort in my life right now. I miss a lot of people I’ve met and gotten to know at those events, and I miss my friends there so the visit will be a nice decompression. The stress lately has been making me very sick, way more sick than I want to admit. I have too much pride, but I know I stress really bad in transitions I didn’t pick, or when my hand is forced and will stress until it’s finalized and I land on a decision. This is a million times worse than any other corporate bs I’ve ever been through, but I feel better equipped to handle it compared to previous issues. The world doesn’t feel like it’s ending like it used to. I was not graceful at all in previous crises… not that I’m saying I’ve figured out how to be graceful now, but looking at how I’ve handled things previously is embarrassing. (I did fracture two molars from stress this time around though so that’s shitty). It’s weird. Does 30 make that much of a difference? Or is that just experience and knowing it’s not worth panic? At least it’s almost over.

I can’t wait to grab my swimsuit and chill at the pool at Mandalay.

I’ve been holding back from writing about this one for a while.  Probably because it was still playing out, and I usually update this from my phone instead of at the computer.  Apparently 2018 has become a bit of an unintentional mini purge.  I didn’t expect another one to happen in my life after what happened in 2012/2013.  But this ones been smaller, slower, and targeted which I guess is okay? It’s okay.  Really, once someone earns the opportunity to be blocked and I drop them,  I feel so much better after a good nights sleep.  I don’t have to wonder, I’m not stuck in this lonely purgatory trying to find answers.  This is sufficient closure.  This opens me up to filling my time with people who want to be in my life and aren’t storing their knives in my back.

A couple months ago I walked away from a friendship that had been one sided for many years.  I don’t care that I was called cruel and rude,  what she put me through was cruel.  Consider us even.  Then a “friend” from out of country betrayed my trust, and the trust of a mutual friend.  How aggravating.  That was an easy block.

And then there’s the guy who has problems with ambiguity.  I know we’re both good people., and thought we’d still remain friends despite what happened.  I mean, he owned up, but that was that.  Running into him at the last show I went to was entertaining, but that’s pretty much all the contact we’ll ever maintain, if that even occurs again.

This is going to be about B.  Oh B… you misguided and judgmental fuck.  You pathological lying piece of shit.  Calling yourself a “White Knight,”  the first time I heard someone mention you referencing yourself that way was a few days ago.  Oh please, you can’t even save yourself, and you’re a user.   I don’t even know how you managed to convince yourself you were a knight and paraded as a feminist when you’re a lying sack of shit.  This whole thing started way  before I knew you, and you’ll keep doing this long after today.  You are a lost cause, I don’t care if one of my friends thinks you might put the work in to fix yourself, I know you won’t.  It’s never your fault right?  Or it’s your depression an anxiety.  That’s not a free pass to screw people over.  I can’t believe what you did to Sarah especially.  You already hurt her once, and then she accepted you back in her life.  Sure there were dynamic changes, but you don’t fucking lie to her while dating someone else here, and now I know why you didn’t want me to know you were dating Sarah or Rose, because I’m friends with both and women talk.  I can’t believe you.  And then you string my own wifey and I along regarding housing for literally months.  You complained to me about her, and then you complained to Rose about me, and these weren’t even legitimate issues.  You fabricated them to justify your avoidance.  Thank goodness we all figured it out now instead of later.  Believe me, the truth will always set you free.

Also, how dare you talk about my personal life to someone else?  And you can’t even gossip accurately.  I said I was considering talking to my doc about stopping a medication in passing, and you took that is I stopped.  And “you’re frustrated.”  Look asshole, it’s none of your business what I do and don’t do.  Also, I never stopped taking that med despite having a rough adjustment.  ALSO DON’T FUCKING DISCUSS OTHER PEOPLES MEDICAL DETAILS WITH OTHER PEOPLE.  Just. Wow.  And saying that I’ve “done this multiple times.”  No, I go years before a doctor can even convince me to try a new prescriptive because of how many times they’ve almost killed me.  The exaggerations are incredible.  You’re aware of one prescription that landed me in the ER in Vegas, and the ER doc said to stop that medication immediately.

Are you seriously trying to hold onto that and use it as an excuse to be upset with me?  You ignored me for days.  I saw you the day before you signed a new lease with Sabrina you lying cowardly fuck.  And you saw what Liam put me through with his avoidance and said he was immature and had things to work on.  He really has all of his shit together compared to you.  Stringing Sabrina and I along, banking on us not talking to each other, was the housing equivalent of stringing a woman along while thinking to yourself “I wonder if i could do better.”  And you actually did that to Rose and Sarah, and who knows who else.  I can’t believe you were sexting Sarah over the weekend when Rose thought you were going to tell Sarah about her.  Also, I can’t believe you told Rose about Sarah, but weren’t honest with Sarah.  All four of us, all we ever wanted was honesty.  No one would have ever been mad with the truth.

Seriously, I don’t know how many times I said you could have texted me that you changed your mind while signing the lease.  I would have been like well that’s weird but okay.  Same with Sarah, you could have been honest and she would have been fine.  You create the very conflicts you claim to “fear” by avoiding people you need to talk to.  But I’m glad you’re not here.  You’re not dependable, we all know this now.  All four of us spoke in a wonderful group chat and laid out everything.  We know every lie you told all four of us, and that is the power of communication.  Your own roommate would block you if she didn’t live with you.  You deserve every second you suffer.  Every problem you’ve complained about is a product of your own bullshit, and you have no right to complain while you stay in it and talk to everyone about the issue instead of the person involved.  There is some great irony in your preference for strong intelligent women, especially since you can’t handle your shit when a strong and intelligent woman calls your on your shit.  We’re direct.  We’re not afraid of direct communication, we don’t even see that as confrontational.  Also, so what if there is a confrontation.  Yelling is not the worst thing in the world.  And you’re assuming we’re going to yell before you even talk to us.

I can’t believe you played two woman at the same time though, that’s so low.  It’s my fault you’re in Seattle.  It’s my fault you know these three other women.  But everything after that is all on you.  They don’t blame me, but it pisses me off that you basically used me through association.  People like and trust me, they see I trust you, they trust you… because I didn’t know better yet.  Five years is a long game.  I wish I could tell every woman you meet about you, and boy am I grateful Rose invited me to dinner to talk and verify some things.  Fuck, you and I never even dated and I have to deal with the emotional load you keep shoving off.  I won’t cry when you die.  I won’t wish for it either, but the world will be a better place when you’re gone.

For the first time since I started taking this new med my GI doc put me on to combat chronic nausea…. I am dealing with some painful and awful nausea right now. I know its grief from this mornings news.

*me watching Sailor Moon at 30*

Usagi: “My goal is to be married by 25!”

._.

I think the last time I watched the original anime was way before I hit 25 so I never noticed this bit…

._.

It finally happened, one of my docs put me on a script that:

– Didn’t immediately try to kill me
– Achieved the intended result
– Killed my sex drive

Holy !&#$. I’ve (partially) wanted this for so long since I haven’t had a steady partner in forever, it drove me nuts in the past, and now that its happened Idk what to make of it! Its not like it took out the drive for company and companionship, but I’ve been spending more time with friends this last week so that’s been lovely. Idk if I can orgasm… okay that last thought is kind of concerning. Maybe I’ll care when I want to, with someone, or whatevs.