Every single week has been painfully busy… since forever. Noel talked me into seeing the Wax Trax! Documentary called Industrial Accident. It was part of the Seattle International Film Festival. Really she asked me if I wanted to get Korean food and we ran into a timing issue so I joined her for the film and we got food after. It’s so late. Omg. It was absolutely amazing and emotional and there were a couple times we were holding back tears. The director Julia Nash, Patty Jourgensen, Paul Barker, and Bill Rieflin were there for a Q&A after the film. Noel and I talked about it at dinner, we can still feel the influence Wax Trax! had in our lives and how it still ripples today.
And of course our brains go sideways into other topics. Also holy shit. Idk why tf everyone compared you to Dave Grohl. I mean maybe vaguely, like when he was younger… like when Nirvana was a thing. And even then maybe distant cousin? Not really. Nah, today I saw the future. Paul Barker, the guy who was in Ministry, the way Paul Barker looks today, is what you’ll look like in another 30 years, with some variation. Which means you’ll be gorgeous for fucking ever! He already looks amazing at 59, and you’re gonna do better. I am so bitter! I mean I was before but whatevs. I don’t even think you come here anymore, but I’ve referenced you in 2nd person for so long, why stop now? Idgaf if you ever see this or not.
Noel and I both have an aversion to SF. Because we have history and associations to SF. She dated a guy for years who hurt her. And me… yeah. They had an off and on thing. Noel and I have a lot in common. We both live very productive lives, were professionals, we go do things we want whether it’s with friends or alone, we’re adventurous and we’re hot. We both know this, our lives are awesome as is, but we miss companionship. That would be the cherry on top. Her words. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes? She’s more solitary than I am. She said that, but I think she’s lives more like an extrovert than I do?
Anyway, I explained the guy I dated right when I turned 21 did a fantastic job destroying my body image, on top of manipulating me and using me financially and otherwise. She told me her guy made her feel awful too, which is mind blowing because she’s so pretty. And I didn’t realize for years that the ex put me down so I’d stay. It took a long time to rebuild my confidence and realized he was full of shit. It really took regaining my health and going back into my profession to fix my body image. And not dealing with anyone else, and deciding to do at least a year of celibacy helped a lot too.
This detail just makes the situation feel like too much. It was already too much. Idk how to word this better, I can’t articulate this well. My best friend from high school said this was the first time I was in love. I know I’ve written this before. And I said something like, well there was Jay before. And she said this was different, there weren’t conditions attached. I wasn’t holding back either. And I get it. It wasn’t “I love you but x,” “I love you despite x thing,” or “I love you regardless of insert stupid bs reason here.” There wasn’t anything after “you.” It became a series of “I love you because.” And I felt that, and I recognized it. I remember being on top of you late at night, in the dark, listening to you tell me you loved me for my brain, for the way I laughed, for my body, and you kept going, and you meant it. For the first time, “I love you,” didn’t come attached with baggage. “I love you” stood on its own. You reinforced me. For the first time, I was happy with who I was as a person, and then I met you, and you amplified the things in me I loved. And I loved you for it. I loved you for many many reasons too. I met you when I’d already chosen solitude, and you made me so happy to reconsider. I wasn’t lonely when we met. I got used to LV, and I was content. I’ve been lonely since the day I met you.
She said she wasn’t sure if she ever fell in love that deeply with her guy in SF. When they broke up, she did mention telling him he had a small dick and was bad in bed. LOL. I said I didn’t have that, because to this day my guy in SF, is still the best sex I’ve had. And she was all that makes it harder. I’m bitter.
We talked about how shitty trying to date in Seattle is. She mentioned, there’s always talk about the Seattle freeze. I think it’s some bs that’s now a self fulfilling prophecy. The problem here is how passive everyone is. No one talks to each other. Even if you try, it’s rare someone reciprocated more than a couple sentences. We’re still better off with the choices we made. We know this. Someone recently mentioned there was a sub reddit about dating in Seattle and they talk about how passive it is here. Someone commented just saying “hi” already puts you way ahead of everyone else. That’s not an exaggeration. Almost everyone is in an open relationship. There’s nothing wrong with them, but we’re both of the opinion that if we see someone who is already partnered, we’ll play and have a casual thing, but we won’t commit, and if someone else comes along who puts us first, we’re done. I guess as long as everyone’s been up front with their intentions, it’s okay. Everyone else who is single and prefers monogamous dynamics, has some hang ups around sex. I mentioned how I thought it would be easier to date here. I had this ideal about Seattle, before I’d ever been here, that it’s a tech industry, and there are more men than women here, and the statistics would be in my favor. I was so wrong, I was so painfully wrong. She mentioned how she thought if she moved to another city, it would be easier to date. But she loves Seattle so it’s home for her. And I said I’d thought the same thing, but then I was worried what if I moved, and it was the same there? She said she had the same afterthought too, lol.
I can’t establish a fwb thing here like I could in Phoenix. She brought up a Tinder hookup so I brought up this guy, who claimed to be a LT in the Navy. I mentioned accidentally having a one and done thing with this guy stationed in Bainbridge. Okay so, you can claim to be anyone online. We were already having a really good conversation that lasted a few days, and if someone wasn’t who they said they were you could walk away. We went out for Mexican food and drank margaritas, and when we went back to his place I saw his degree from the Naval Academy and a graduation photo in this giant frame. That’s kind of really impressive. He was also very courteous, would ask if I was comfortable, and the sex was great! I felt absolutely nothing in a romantic context. Oh well. I’m okay with this for now. And then they left last month, also he’s a Submarine Officer. Gdi. I sent a text asking when he’d be back, but he might have already left before I sent it. If I hear from him again, cool. If I don’t, cool. And that’s how an unintentional one time thing happens. I explained I’d rather have a semi regular thing going with the same person because of health stuff, and because it’s just nice. She agreed.
I’m so fed up.
