This has been the hardest birthday month in years for many many stressful reasons. Car accidents, infections in the ER, months of work stress, relationships falling apart, all sorts of uncertainty. Hopefully it means something good is coming soon.
I’m just glad I survived to this point.
…
I’ve walked away from a few relationships that meant a lot to me in the last couple months. One that never really saw the light of day, one that lasted for half my life at this point, and one that I never thought I’d walk from no matter how much I know I should have, or had tried and failed previously. None of these are the outcomes I desired. I am so shitty at walking from people, I always give chances when I get verbal affirmations or excuses, even when the actions don’t line up. I can’t hold a grudge. I don’t hate. I can’t marginalize how much this negatively impacts me to try and keep something afloat on my own. I’m just sad, and this only adds to my loneliness. But it doesn’t. It’s the first step to letting go and finding contentment. I’ve had practice lately. I can move forward. No bad blood. No hard feelings. No more one sided relationships or holding space for those who cannot reciprocate. No more being let down or disappointment. No more letting others hurt me over and over again. This is what 30 looks like.