Monthly Archives: April 2018

I remember you mentioning something about things going to hell when Utada Hikaru releases new stuff, or when there’s new NGE, or maybe both since there’s a strong correlation there… and then saying *my* birthday weeks been hard on you since before you’ve known me. Many people share this week with me. Well, “on April 17, 2018, a new single by Utada, “Hatsukoi” was unveiled in the drama Hana Nochi Hare ~Hanadan Next Season~ as an image song. It’s the second song Utada delivers to the Hana Yori Dango drama series, after “Flavor of Life” in 2007. The single will be released on May 30. In the next day, a single was announced to released earlier on April 25 called “Play a Love Song”, the theme song for Suntory Water SWITCH&SPARKLE.”

There it is. She announced music on my birthday, and then days after I actually celebrated, successfully killing both. No wonder you couldn’t be bothered after apologizing for the first one. You couldn’t even try again a few days later. I guess you’re off the hook from even trying to put out effort verbally, right? *sarcasm*

This has been the hardest birthday month in years for many many stressful reasons. Car accidents, infections in the ER, months of work stress, relationships falling apart, all sorts of uncertainty. Hopefully it means something good is coming soon.

I’m just glad I survived to this point.

…

I’ve walked away from a few relationships that meant a lot to me in the last couple months. One that never really saw the light of day, one that lasted for half my life at this point, and one that I never thought I’d walk from no matter how much I know I should have, or had tried and failed previously. None of these are the outcomes I desired. I am so shitty at walking from people, I always give chances when I get verbal affirmations or excuses, even when the actions don’t line up. I can’t hold a grudge. I don’t hate. I can’t marginalize how much this negatively impacts me to try and keep something afloat on my own. I’m just sad, and this only adds to my loneliness. But it doesn’t. It’s the first step to letting go and finding contentment. I’ve had practice lately. I can move forward. No bad blood. No hard feelings. No more one sided relationships or holding space for those who cannot reciprocate. No more being let down or disappointment. No more letting others hurt me over and over again. This is what 30 looks like.

“Grief is love with nowhere to go, and today, my love for you is lost and angry and crazy and sad.”

Sometimes it’s hard to practice leaving a relationship or friendship when it no longer serves both parties. There’s no hard feelings, there’s just no space in their lives for you anymore. It’s nothing personal… maybe that’s part of the problem? I tried for two years to be patient and flexible. We live in the same metropolitan area. That’s not a functional friendship. I’m not here to guilt anyone into being my friend, or be an obligation or burden in their life. I hope they don’t feel slighted I walked away, but Idk why they’d care now anyway.

I know I had shit timing with the dam breaking and feel bad about it. This never should have culminated to this point. I also know everything I said was still true and the result would have been the same whether I inquired two months ago or six months from now. I hope they won’t be mad at me, and will at least become indifferent, if not relieved. I can uninvest and be at peace. They don’t have to feel guilt or be confronted with someone asking them to meet half way. We can both live our lives in peace. No bad blood. I know we’re both good people who just ran our course a long time ago.