Monthly Archives: March 2018

I can’t remember what you smell like. Which is weird, and strangely sad. I have a memory of it being absolutely intoxicating, all consuming, and completely distracting me from my undoing. But maybe that’s the amount of time it takes for the brain to forget that, and that’s why everyone says things get easier to manage with time, even if you are forever changed.

I am a lonely woman. But I’d rather be lonely than in a bad relationship.

“Women are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men.”

I need to clarify some things. You handled things shittily. We were able to discuss our stop go patterns with our weekends. We were able to come to conclusions and troubleshoot them, AFTER you said you can’t do this anymore. And this should have been discussed a while ago instead of letting it drag on. You never even gave me, or us, the chance to mitigate these things before scrapping the whole thing.

I tried to facilitate communication, seeing each other, and being flexible. You wouldn’t reciprocate any of it and took advantage of my flexibility. I always said we could adjust as needed. You can sort your personal life out without fucking someone else up. Nothing has to be static, but it doesn’t give you a free pass to change how you interact with someone by the hour. Instead, you were reckless with my feelings.

And I tried to front being okay last night. I was adjusting to this information on the spot instead of just calling plans off, all because it’s been your avoidance that’s been problematic. I couldn’t even discuss these things in person with you. I still don’t get that. I deserve that much. I deserve much better. I know you wouldn’t drive over here and have this conversation in person because it’s too uncomfortable for you. Stop blaming me and making excuses. Using excuses like I’m hot, or being swept up in things and enjoying my company when we meet in person is a bullshit excuse for not owning up and discussing things in person. That’s not an excuse to treat me the way you did. Don’t unload your responsibility on me and make your shortcomings out to be my fault.

I literally told you to go slut it up and get experience, make mistakes, be honest, keep it simple, and have fun. There’s literally no pressure on my side, you build everything up in your own head. We’re both slow to anger, you cannot use fear of me being angry as an excuse. And even if those fears were right, it doesn’t give you a free pass from doing the right thing. You’re spineless. You jerked me around and used me as a crutch. Continually calling me great and saying how much you enjoy spending time with me to justify this behavior is manipulation.

Had you of been up front with not feeling it, that would have been much better for everyone. We wouldn’t be here today. Instead of transitioning in one direction or the other, you’ve been continually on or off. That’s not TBD. That’s not letting things happen and seeing where it goes. You shouldn’t have gone anywhere near romantic gestures if you couldn’t follow through. You never should have suggested some belated Valentines thing out of some warped societal expectation, or some internal selfish wanting. And you still find it okay to cuddle, and then grope my breast like everything is fine. You still get that contact and comfort while disregarding how I feel and not taking responsibility for your actions. I am not to be picked up, and then dropped on a whim. In fact, no one is. This really hurts. I opened myself up and that’s difficult. Why would I ever want to remain in contact with someone who put me through this and can’t even acknowledge it or fix their behavior? You broke trust. How do you build a friendship on that? You have a lot of ground to cover in therapy before you might start resembling something other than a self serving selfish fuck. I hope you figure that out before you meet the next person. Do better next time. You are awful. You’re the worst.

“You don’t need this shit.”

No I don’t, the only reason why I didn’t ghost you is because even I have enough respect for you not to. This is a teaching moment. You can learn from this and become a better person. But you burned this bridge and I’m done knowing you.”

There were a few things I forgot to mention when I sent this out.  The fact that I didn’t push the Valentines thing.  I didn’t push for him to stay over, but he insisted.  So he feels like it’s too much when he’s insisting on staying longer?  He feels like it’s too much when he talks about us visiting his family back home, or some random comments about kids in passing.  But it’s too much?  It’s like I was so relaxed he had to fill the quiet with all these things, and then forgot he was the one doing it.  What is with people.

Whether he intended to or not, he hurt me.

Manslaughter isn’t intentional like murder, but someone still dies. It’s the emotional equivalent for the person who hurts.