Ran into something unexpected this afternoon. I’ve never been shy about the assaults I’ve experienced in my past, how I’ve struggled, or how I went to therapy and reached out to PD last year. I thought even though it wasn’t perfect, and these events changed me, that I was successfully not letting damage from my past dictate my present and future. I’ve always considered myself to be open and transparent, compassionate, progressive, and fluid. This has always been true to an extent.
What I didn’t realize until now was, I still had some walls up I wasn’t aware of. It’s still difficult to articulate these ideas. Today, I felt some sense of peace and comfort I hadn’t experienced since I was a teenager. After David, in the past, when I felt this way it was before an attack happened. This trained my brain to equate the calmness to potential danger. Being that safe may have triggered some ptsd.
And after the damage others inflicted on me, I felt that feeling wasn’t feasible. I felt it was a lie, or would always be a trap. Something unobtainable. I forgot what that felt like. I didn’t even recognize it enough to miss it. And then I felt it today and it was scary. I didn’t cry because I was sad or upset. It overwhelmed me, and my walls were down. I was defenseless, and I realized it was okay in that moment. I haven’t been as holistic about it all as I’d previously thought, and it took almost 15 years to feel this way again. But it seems like it’s a milestone worth mentioning.
It’s also made me look back at how I handle my sexuality. I’ve suspected a few things over the years. I know after these events some people completely shut down and can’t handle any intimacy without it being a triggering event, and some go into the other extreme. I never thought I was extreme in anything I’ve done, but there may have been more than just a progressive outlook. History and chronic pain make me pretty sure I’m not too far off from being a sex addict, chasing endorphins and intimicy. I’ve had so many dynamics.. but still can’t stand bad sex, emotionless sex.. I’ve learned I need to like someone enough to be friends before I can get any joy. And I’ve made some poor decisions along the way, I’m sure many people have. But
I can see some parallels with my history and the hookup culture I loathe. Compatibility and sexual chemistry are necessary and would be real breakers if they were missing. It was like going after gratification with the intent on seeing if there was something worth investing in after. I don’t want to believe I’m superficial. I don’t believe people are disposable, but I also thought things would either mesh or won’t. I’m passionate, uninhibited, and authentic to myself. I don’t think any of that was compromised but I didn’t realize I might have been forcing things on my own timeline to retain a sense of control. I pull the trigger on intimacy first, and decide where I want it to go after, if at all. The first time I fell in love with someone before they ever touched me… was hard, special, and I started to see it. But there were so many other problems going on to really acknowledge it. And I think the order it went in was circumstantial. But the ordering made it feel more real, more legitimate.
Today, I’m dealing with someone whose had many invites and opportunities to touch me, and who has chosen to abstain, choosing to be cautious for the sake of making sure I don’t end up just being a rebound. This is someone who is trying to match me in transparency when it doesn’t come naturally for them. And I’m trying to match their pace which is very different from my own. This is someone who respects me, and genuinely cares about me but doesn’t want either of us to get hurt. This is out of order for me, and I’m not in control of the timeline like I had been with others. They’re not hiding anything, they don’t have outside obligations keeping them from me, and we spend time together. It’s a strange vulnerability for me. I don’t know what this is. I was afraid they didn’t have any darkness and wouldn’t recognize it in me. This could be them helping me see where I’ve been before the damage, so that I can pull myself out of what I’ve been buried under for a long time.
I’m so very emotionally exhausted.