When I decided to jump and see if there was something substantial with someone, I knew this was calculated risk acceptance. I know nothing’s guaranteed, that this might not become anything, and even if it did, that it didn’t mean it would last forever. But I owed it to myself to find out, and deserved to pour myself into anything I felt worthy.
I’m coming to the conclusion already that this isn’t going to be the dynamic I’m going to pursue. I already stated my intent and the transparency has been well received, we date to evaluate whether or not we have potential as future spouses. Things fit on paper, but how we handle and perceive obstacles is completely different. It’s hard to remember the discrepancies in life experience when he’s slightly older than I am, and that’s not a bad thing in general. But I need someone who is better matched here. It’s going to be bad for me if someone isn’t able to handle something new, and possibly daunting only to them in stride… and these are scary only because it’s his first run. I’ve dealt with it all before and it doesn’t shake me. That’s experience. That’s an unfair advantage on my side. Spending a couple weeks away will be good for all involved, and when I get back I’ll be able to take another look at how these interactions have been going, and will decide if it’s doing better or if I should end it right there. I’m not wasting time anymore.
Even if this wasn’t it, this taught me I’m still capable of growth and moving forward. I don’t think I could have made it this far, or allowed myself to fully invest in a new relationship six months ago. It’s a bit of a proof of concept and I know I’m going in the right direction.