I feel like I’ve been restraining some kind of reckless streak that’s been trying to claw out of me lately. It’s been unbelievably exhausting to hold back and I don’t want to anymore, I don’t remember it ever being this bad before. I feel awful physically, it’s like craving sugar really really bad because you’ve been depriving yourself. It’s my whole body, it’s all misfiring. It’s consuming me. I can’t remember the lasting time I felt so deprived, or the last time I could breathe more than shallow breaths.
I’ve managed, somehow, celibacy for a year in Vegas. And I’ve managed months here. All of a sudden there’s this pit in my stomach and that inner ear itch you can’t reach but it’s all over your body just under the skin. It’s making me uncomfortable in my own body, it’s insane.