Monthly Archives: January 2018

I’m courting ghosts from my past

Because I’m so high

And you’re so beautiful

I don’t know if its because I’m in Vegas…

Right before falling asleep I randomly remembered that one time when I was dropping you off at the airport and you kissed me before getting out of the car, and mouthed “I love you” while smiling before closing the door. Was that from a dream or a memory?

I’m having trouble falling asleep.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

When I decided to jump and see if there was something substantial with someone, I knew this was calculated risk acceptance. I know nothing’s guaranteed, that this might not become anything, and even if it did, that it didn’t mean it would last forever. But I owed it to myself to find out, and deserved to pour myself into anything I felt worthy.

I’m coming to the conclusion already that this isn’t going to be the dynamic I’m going to pursue. I already stated my intent and the transparency has been well received, we date to evaluate whether or not we have potential as future spouses. Things fit on paper, but how we handle and perceive obstacles is completely different. It’s hard to remember the discrepancies in life experience when he’s slightly older than I am, and that’s not a bad thing in general. But I need someone who is better matched here. It’s going to be bad for me if someone isn’t able to handle something new, and possibly daunting only to them in stride… and these are scary only because it’s his first run. I’ve dealt with it all before and it doesn’t shake me. That’s experience. That’s an unfair advantage on my side. Spending a couple weeks away will be good for all involved, and when I get back I’ll be able to take another look at how these interactions have been going, and will decide if it’s doing better or if I should end it right there. I’m not wasting time anymore.

Even if this wasn’t it, this taught me I’m still capable of growth and moving forward. I don’t think I could have made it this far, or allowed myself to fully invest in a new relationship six months ago. It’s a bit of a proof of concept and I know I’m going in the right direction.

Exhausted…

I don’t think he has a shred of darkness within him.

I don’t know if he’s ever dealt with it in his own history, or if he’d recognize it in me… or anyone, and that scares me.

I can’t believe I’m still awake.

Well… Book of Mormon was good. Then ate at some great French place, and came home and watched a movie. I’m so tired, why is it so hard to fall asleep.

I am passion and I am fire.

And I feel like I’m

being deprived

of

oxygen.

I feel like I’ve been restraining some kind of reckless streak that’s been trying to claw out of me lately. It’s been unbelievably exhausting to hold back and I don’t want to anymore, I don’t remember it ever being this bad before. I feel awful physically, it’s like craving sugar really really bad because you’ve been depriving yourself. It’s my whole body, it’s all misfiring. It’s consuming me. I can’t remember the lasting time I felt so deprived, or the last time I could breathe more than shallow breaths.

I’ve managed, somehow, celibacy for a year in Vegas. And I’ve managed months here. All of a sudden there’s this pit in my stomach and that inner ear itch you can’t reach but it’s all over your body just under the skin. It’s making me uncomfortable in my own body, it’s insane.

“A man has always wanted to lay me down but he never wanted to pick me up.”

What a strong and thought provoking quote.

Today I was told that I had a pretty smile, that I was cute and sexy, that we usually see each other bundled up against the cold weather, and now that I wasn’t under so many layers, that I was curvy, and incredibly beautiful, and have a nice butt (lol @ that). He said he liked it when I held onto his arm when we walked through crowds, and that doing something to make a little smile appear across my face made him really happy. One of the last things he said today was how much he enjoyed spending time with me, how he’s always excited when he’s on his way to see me, and that no matter how things worked out, even if we only remained friends in the end, he wanted me to always be in his life somehow. He thinks I’m amazing… I lost count how many times he said it.

This is a completely new and different person in my life. But I know these words from someone else. All of them. These men are absolutely nothing alike, they’re night and day. And the words are the same. I want to be happy, I’m glad and a little relieved he feels this way about me. But now Idk why I’m a little nervous.. and I’ve already started investing… I don’t know what to make of this.