I’ve been holding back. I knew there were some things I’d elected to (emotionally), some things by request, and now I’m noticing some things that have been conditioned that make me really uncomfortable. I’ve held back on asking basic questions anyone would be comfortable asking someone if they cared for them. This wasn’t implicitly requested of me, but it feels like it was conditioned. I have to process this and decide what to do with it.
People talk about their greatest fears in life and a common one is to be lonely forever, or letting their loved ones down, being incapacitated, etc, all would be awful. But outside of the lonely bit, I’ve learned over the last few years, yeah… years now, the worst feeling for me is being separated from someone I love, from the person I believed I should be with… building a life with, and feeling secure with. Looking back I don’t think I was aggressive enough, and it took me too long to learn how you handled being in my shoes. Would I have gotten the same results had I approached things like you? It’s even worse when that circumstance is somewhat chosen. This is my own personal hell. Repeated over and over again. It’s that redundancy that makes hell in Lucifer a perfect analogy and depiction. Maybe this is hell? There’s supposedly a way out. Can I find it?