So sleepy, went out for once last night and dressed up for it. Even though I don’t know many people, and the ones I do know are mostly acquaintances, it was nice to be out. I really missed getting all goth’d out for a thing.
It’s so hard to have a social life here. I wish the community was more warm and open like it is in Phoenix.
It’s really surreal discovering some guy you had a brief crush on in high school, then changed your mind when he started to take interest in you, was convicted of first degree murder with a couple other people in a drug robbery.
I knew him when I was 15, and he was this tall, introverted, and courteous guy. I mean, I have no idea what circumstances were thrown his way in life that brought him to do this. But it must have been awful, and I feel bad for him. We really never know how people will turn out when they grow up.
Just woke up from a dream with a lot of weird stuff going early on. I vaguely remember walking around the sidewalk similar to the suburb I grew up in and was drinking some beverage in a large cup while texting Brandyn. Then I was going to find him but ended up in some other townhouse and couldn’t tell if it was one I was renting in some area I was visiting or if it was my parents Andy I was just temporarily visiting anyway. And this whole time it had been sunny pot but when I went back outside it was dark and there was some stand or food truck looking thing on a corner with a couple ladies standing around talking to neighbors.
They were some flavor of Christian or Catholic or something and we’re discussing mezcal, then some other plant, then the legality of it and then weed and even though it was legal per the state, she was adamant nothing was legal u til it was federal. That was her only argument. I remember biting part of an aloe vera plant for no reason, then thinking it was awful and walking across the steeet to throw it away in the trash can. I walked back other and saw a couple guys walk up to the stand / truck thing and apparently the nice ladies from earlier were selling some white powder I could only guess was cocaine which I found hilarious given the previous conversation with them. I walked around the truck stand thing and found a glass aquarium with a red striped snake in it with a huge head, and then it unlatched it’s jaw and ate something and I walked off.
I went inside this house and had gone back and forth and saw other people around. Some chick and I were talking sales strategies, and I’d been talking about visiting my coworkers in the AZ office and working there temporarily so I could visit friends. Then something came up where all of a sudden a Netflix subscription mattered or was a factor in trying to sell someone something… or some chick was explaining she needed that information but I didn’t see how it mattered or was related.
I went back and through a hall to my guest room and saw Liam. He wanted to make sure I was set and hugged me before he left. I went out to the room with the crowd again then back to the hall but found his room, and jumped on his bed to glomp him and get another hug before returning to my room but he pulled me in close and I didn’t want to get up since I was little spoon and miss tf out of that, and decided this was okay for a bit since it was just cuddling and we still had our clothes on. I didn’t want to jump into anything too fast and mess it up.. and was starting to fade for the night anyway. After I started drifting, he ran his hands down my arms, and since I was curled up, down my legs. I wanted to escalate things but decided against it. He was using the tv in front of us as a second monitor and was working on something on the screen but I gave no fucks cause I was so happy to be this close. And I woke up. Sigh.
It’s 1:27AM. Sounds about right. I feel like I’m at the start of something new. Idk how this is going to work out, but it’s not scary.
“I’m very attracted to you and was wondering if there’s something there, or if we should remain friends?”
I’ve been holding back. I knew there were some things I’d elected to (emotionally), some things by request, and now I’m noticing some things that have been conditioned that make me really uncomfortable. I’ve held back on asking basic questions anyone would be comfortable asking someone if they cared for them. This wasn’t implicitly requested of me, but it feels like it was conditioned. I have to process this and decide what to do with it.
People talk about their greatest fears in life and a common one is to be lonely forever, or letting their loved ones down, being incapacitated, etc, all would be awful. But outside of the lonely bit, I’ve learned over the last few years, yeah… years now, the worst feeling for me is being separated from someone I love, from the person I believed I should be with… building a life with, and feeling secure with. Looking back I don’t think I was aggressive enough, and it took me too long to learn how you handled being in my shoes. Would I have gotten the same results had I approached things like you? It’s even worse when that circumstance is somewhat chosen. This is my own personal hell. Repeated over and over again. It’s that redundancy that makes hell in Lucifer a perfect analogy and depiction. Maybe this is hell? There’s supposedly a way out. Can I find it?
Maybe someday my dreams will be worthy of recording again. They keep disappearing before I get a chance to even try.
Why am I still up?
I just want someone to love me the way Spike loves Buffy towards the series finale.
The new Ready Player One movie looks amazing! Some of the scenes look just like I imagined in the book. And that cover of Depeche Mode was sooo gooooooooood.
So there’s that.
I knew this could happen when I moved here, but the loneliness has been pretty hard the last week. I was lonely downtown, and same for the other cities I was in. I saw people more often in the other ones, this city is just set up poorly for people to get around and spend time together. So what’s the difference moving north? At least I get peace at night, and a lot do the issues I had at the apartment, I don’t have here. That part is nice.
Lately there’s been this weird back and forth with everything, especially work, where I stress about a thing and then a couple days later it seems like it’s under control for a few days and then flips again. I need things to be consistent.
This weekend was incredibly busy. I had an appointment in the morning that I originally thought was in the afternoon, but it opened up my day to check out this cute pop up market in Chinatown and I invited Liam out. We met at the Chinatown station and ran around the market for a bit. I picked up a few prints from some of the artists and then he took me to a dim sum place he knew a few blocks away, its the best dim sum I’ve had since I moved here. Then we went to a store with a bunch of anime stuff and figures that could be painted, then to a game store that had an NES set up with Mario 3 so we played a few rounds in the first world. I wanted to buy everything there. I got an email a package was delivered to my old address so we took the train there and after picking it up did a couple raids in Pokemon Go. We ended up getting coffee and talking for a couple hours, then dinner in SLU and then went to Adelita’s Way at El Corazon on a whim. I had that show on my calendar as a reminder but forgot they were playing this weekend. All of the opening acts were great too, and Adelita’s Way is great live. We went back to the park after but the buses already stopped for the night so we grabbed Uber’s and went home. I was so wiped out and never intended to be out so late, but it was worth it and I’m glad we made it to the show.
I meant to get more unpacking and other work done today but shattered my phone screen (for the first time ever) and that kind of ruined my day. My phone just hit two years, and I was on the fence to upgrade because I didn’t want to deal with it even though my phone was acting buggy. Ended up at the store and upgraded devices, at least it wasn’t much of a transition, but the set up is still time consuming and annoying. I’m so tired, why am I still awake?
https://youtu.be/A37bu5BFaWs
I lost a lot of details since I’ve been up taking care of a couple things, but will try…
I was running around with these two chicks and one had a mean girls vibe going so I went full goth for this one (more attitude than attire) and then I was at home but it was nothing like home irl, the entryway was huge and very formal, Idk how else to describe it. I got into some confrontation with my parents and stormed out and it was pouring out, so I was walking around aimlessly at night, getting rained on.
And then ended up in some building that was partially under construction or renovation or Idk, and ended up being chased by someone and ran into Liam so we went up this flight of stairs to another part of the building that wasn’t done cause he knew about this ramp that was attached to the top of the stairs we could slide down (it was massive) and I did, and then I was outside and there were these guys working at this doc but they were in like swat gear and were all wtf, and then he came down the ramp and we ran. And then he mentioned having to go take care of something, and when I turned around he’d already left before I could hit on him. ._.
Idk…
Can’t fall asleep. Too tired to unpack, but thought some more on that networking thing. *shrugs*
Went to bed at 3:00AM packing, woke up at 7:30AM this morning to resume. Had a 16 hour day before stopping, and that was over an hour ago. I’m tired, and ache, but still have some insomnia going. I’m not done yet, but this is my first night at the new place. No chirping from intersections downstairs saying it’s safe to cross, no dog barking, weights clanking, or people screaming outside… at least not at the moment (and hopefully it stays that way). My new neighbor to the left has been blasting their music and the bass really comes through downstairs, but they’ve been stopping around the time I want to attempt going to bed, so so far this isn’t a bad trade. We’ll see how tomorrow goes.
I can hear some guy yelling outside on the ground floor, and the chirping in the intersection indicating it’s safe to cross the street. It’s chaotic downstairs… the yellings getting worse while I’m typing on here.
Its late, I should be asleep so I can keep packing tomorrow. *sigh*
….
I don’t know why I’m like this.
Why can’t I sleep?!?!