I’m getting my ass kicked right now. It’s hard to adjust to the cold weather, I’ve never lived anywhere this cold or wet before, and my system isn’t handling it gracefully. With that, work, prepping everything for a move, and dealing with the report, I’m succumbing to the exhaustion. The insomnia and recovery schedules bad, the pains bad… due to today’s flare I took the day off work, and other than a couple minor phone calls, slept, watched Netflix, played a couple video games, ordered pho, and didn’t get anything done. It feels bad, it feels like there’s never time to do nothing, but I also know resting is a necessary evil. If I get worse I’m sol. I know this logically, knowing is emotionally hasn’t sunk in yet. Will it ever?
I’ve been feeling sick. Not viral sick, but stomach sick. Idk if it’s stress, it’s not the chronic nausea I’m used to. But I haven’t pursued another specialist on this one, I needed a break after cycling through a bunch of doctors over the summer and had a couple follow ups at the beginning of the month. I’m trying to prioritize and fix as much of this as I can and try to keep reminding myself to focus in this order: sleep, hydrate, eat, work, deal with the move and other things after. I skipped a concert I really wanted to go to tonight, because priorities.
It still feels like a lot of things are missing. I feel like I’m running with many deficits, and the one that kills me is the deficit of wisdom. I’ve gotten better at seeing when I’m overloaded, and at backing off temporarily instead of imploding like I used to, but it still feels insufficient. I’ve added more time for gaming lately to give myself a mental break, and tried to do a little origami to get into the habit of doing something creative again. I feel like that part of me died and I’m trying to raise the dead here. I feel like I can still take risks with my life choices if I believe in them, but I’m drifting and haven’t figured out the next thing yet. This feels like a hiatus. I might have lost my path a little while spending some time where I am currently. It’s not a bad place, it just doesn’t feel like there’s anything for me and I should be more active in deciding what happens now. I always have a restless mind when I’m sleep deprived and my body aches. None of this probably makes sense, but getting it out of my system still helps a little.