Just woke up from an awful dream. Sidney and a few others were there. My assaulter from when I was 17 was there. He was inserting himself into my life again and wouldn’t go away. He tried to kill my credibility in matters unrelated to the assault and was systematically meeting people in my social circle and was destroying my reputation. I had enough and said fine, let me talk about a situation in general and you tell me when you’d call it. I started describing generic truths and laid out facts to set the stage, when I finally got to where I was about to ask the rhetorical “when is it okay to sneak into a room in the middle of the night and get on top of someone?” And had some follow up on how that’s not consent. I was terrified, but too angry and hostile to back down. I had that kamikaze, I’ll sacrifice myself and take you down with me, mentality to keep pushing, like I had nothing else to lose. Things got chaotic around us and he took advantage of it, or he instigated it, I’m not sure, and the conversation degraded as people around us were distracted and he got up.
I went to the room he retreated into and started speaking truths he could not deny. I called him out on everything he did to me and told him to leave and never come back. He grabbed a laptop and clicked on some icon that launched a client that looked like it was connecting to vpn. He then showed me how he was spoofing me online. My name, the IP assigned to me, my professional profiles, my personal data, anything and everything people would use to interact with me online was there and it was an awful display of control. He wanted to destroy me with it, whether that was by showing me or from actually using it. And I was shocked, I didn’t know what to do. He started talking about other things I couldn’t remember, then suggested I could drop everything and learn how he did it and how to dismantle it from him. I felt defeated. I said fuck it, accepted scortched earth policy, burn everything in my life, let it go if I can’t stop anything myself and woke up shortly after. I’m pissed off I didn’t think of going to others for help in the dream. Even if I don’t know how to do something, or guard against something, I probably know someone who does.
I feel sick. I’m supposed to go to Disneyland tomorrow.