Fuuuuuuuuuck! Was so exhausted I fell asleep around 7 hoping to catch up on sleep and just woke up… so this only counts as a 3 hour nap. This has been an issue, I either fall asleep when it’s easiest, then wake up and go back to sleep super late, or try to prevent it by staying up a couple hours later but end up being more awake when I intend to go to sleep and still have insomnia. I guess yay at least I napped?
I guess I could use this time to pack, or do homework. I took a break from university but still have homework from therapy, or could keep running through python if my brain will let me, or there’s something else I must be forgetting.
And as soon as I wake up, I can’t stop thinking about you. Which is nothing new, but I’m used to dealing with it in the mornings and not right now, not this intense. The loneliness and how bad I miss you are extra bitter right now. I can’t believe how when you needed space, I still missed you but it was much easier because I wasn’t waiting to hear from you. And now that you’re “back” you’re also back to your old cadence and it’s a hard one for me to emotionally swallow. And it was different when I needed to handle things for a couple weeks, you shut the world off to cope, and I understand why. It’s becsuse even though you’ve been willing to initiate some more over time, it’s always me keeping it going, or randomly reaching out past noon. I know after a certain time of day, like weekends, I won’t hear back, and when it’s that overwhelming I’ve tried to retreat and become inactive so I wouldn’t give into my impulses to bomb you with messages and demand the attention I want. This is usually when I hear from you, and am relieved, and then the afternoon comes, rinse repeat. This is why I’m worse when we’re open versus when one of us is on hiatus. Not that it makes sense, none of this does. I have a lot of things I’m holding back and not asking. I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to discuss them since I won’t do it here.