Monthly Archives: June 2017

Recovery from c sections?

Had this dream I had this huge c section scar all across the bottom of my tummy (well, no scar yet or no scar maybe, just staples all the way across) from delivering and was paranoid about them coming out, and realized if they were starting too I’d know because of how bad it would hurt. And I was visiting home, and friends we’re visiting me and were waiting for mom to take off so they could get me high and relaxed. She made some comment about my middle or ring fingers getting a little longer after pregnancy. After she left we played some Shovel Knight looking game but it wasn’t Shovel Knight. Then I was sitting on a bench across from Keaton catching up, and we talked about all the graffiti and murals I had in my back porch and how it was all gone, which sucked cause he was looking for something to show Sahar.  And then was out and there was some first Friday looking market, and a pool, and a large actual bee carrying an IKEA sign so everyone wanted to take its photo, and then this guy wouldn’t leave me alone and was demanding to take me out and I was exhausted but told dad I wanted him to accompany us to dinner so he could see how much of a douche bag dude was, and said he needed to eat dinner anyway.  The guy and I was in 18th century French garb but everyone was dressed normal, and apparently he had some kind of authority and was abusing his power. Then there was some weird flashback thing with me and someone else who got in trouble for being part of a resistance and I never saw him again and it was heartbreaking (I think that might have been baby daddy) and then I was out walking with Andrew and I wanted to go home so he offered to escort me and I held on to his arm for support and then I was walking with Jessica and we detoured to Cinnabon cause I mentioned how bad I wanted some and she loved that ish too so I got a center of the bun and woke up.

._.

Bridging Gaps

He’s available, that in and of itself is kind of a feat.

But we’re on the opposite side of the planet.  He’ll be here soon-ish.  We have plans in late August.  He mentioned wanting to transfer here, and that was something he wanted before we knew each other.  This is scary.  I don’t know if I can even take this seriously.  I mean… nothing can even be discussed or humored until we see how we do in person… I’ve officially ran without any kind of romantic dynamic for a long long time, and the last time I tried to pour myself into something it almost killed me.  I came out alive,  I came out different, but I don’t know if that means I made it out better.  I don’t know if there is enough optimism and hope left to sustain me… again.  This one actually seems feasible in the long run.  This is scary.

12:24AM – Caution

I feel like I am constantly having to learn, and relearn, and rebuild myself.  Keep and improve what I like, unlearn the traits I don’t want to keep for myself.  Try to go after things and not be fearful of a poorly placed investment… be willing to keep taking calculated risks, keep taking chances on others.

Jay taught me what I didn’t want.

Josh taught me what I wanted, and could go after if things were right.

The one will be someone who exhibits the things that I want in my life, and that I also exhibit  for them.  The only difference this time is they must also be available, and ready to leap with me.

I can’t believe this person is a Jewish chef, who appreciates my counter culture, who also travels, who is also in my industry, and is really fucking smart. This almost feels like some cosmic joke. This terrifies me.  It seems like there’s always a catch, and while I’d feel foolish to not continue exploring this… I always feel like I’m damned if I do and damed if I don’t.  There will always be disappointment and heartbreak somewhere down the line.

Some quick updates

– The alarm went off at 6:45am for today’s GI emptying study.
– There hasn’t been for a while, but there was construction all last night downstairs so I barely got sleep.
– The water in my apartment tower is shut off for emergency maintenance by the city right now.
– I was up this early yesterday for ultrasound.
– Waking up an hour and a half earlier than normal is casing flare ups.
– I’m thirsty but can’t drink water for the second morning in a row.
– I had a dream this morning some guy was creeping on me in a grocery store and suggested we ditch our carts and go somewhere. I said we had to put our items back on the right shelves first so started going aisle by aisle to do that while trying to figure out when to ditch whatever was left and run.

Okay I’m done with this ranting list, and forcing my ass out of bed. 😀

Happy Anniversary

We met 3 years ago today.

I know you don’t like celebrating things, and today is just some ordinary day to you, but I feel like acknowledging it here in my own space.  Today meant something special to me.  And if I could, I would celebrate holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries like Wade and Vanessa.