I had a little bit of a mini melt down today, which I still can’t understand. I’ve wanted nothing more than for you to be near me. I mean we lived in the same state for years and never even knew it. Tucson’s only what.. an hour and a half away from Phoenix? Two hours at most? I don’t know… and that one time when you said you weren’t sure if you’d move to Vegas or if I’d move to the Bay Area, if we pulled the trigger on this, I mean I already knew I’d go to you, and I’d make it happen no matter what. I was ready, I was ready for a year before you made my heart give up. And I struggled with myself, and stopped fighting myself and chastising myself (finally). And I let my heart swell, I let the overwhelming emotion ebb and flow as it needs freely, it’s just easier than fighting myself in an already impossible to swallow situation. I try to encourage myself to make little steps forward as time goes on. I already did the big ones, new city, new job, new-ish mini career change, new people, clean slate, no history. It’s good and bad, it’s still different. It’s still foreign even though its slowing becoming the new norm. It’s still painfully lonely. And I know current circumstances with still adjusting to living alone + work and school exacerbate that sometimes, and I’m constantly reminding myself this is temporary and it’s for the greater good, even though I don’t know what that looks like or what it actually is yet. I’m so taxed right now but I know I’m on the edge of obtaining some things I’ve wanted very soon. So it’s okay, because there’s the light for a couple things. But with you, this isn’t temporary. I struggled against that so much, and I felt like when it eventually clicked, the world really was black and white again. When I couldn’t see you in my future in the way that I’d hoped, I felt like I’d fallen from heaven, and everything is harsh, and bleak, and cold. But I just keep going day by day, what else is there to do? So you’re peeking at properties here off and on, and you’ve always wanted to come here and are still holding on to that dream. That’s good, I’m glad you hadn’t given up on that. It’s just, when we both ended up here I didn’t expect it to be like this. I didn’t think you’d bring Anna with you. For a long time I kept wishing she’d find someone who came from family money, like stupid money and was a closet slave masochist and she could latch on and use him and they could be happy doing whatever it is they would do.. idk. That’s obviously not my thing. But she’s still an excuse. I thought she was holding you emotionally hostage with her suicide threats, but she’s already established she’s conned and used men before you, she’s probably doing it now with whoever she’s cheating on you with, and she doesn’t give a fuck because she’s got everything. If she “lost” you, she has backups.
I’m mad you can hold on to a dream like Seattle and can take steps to get closer to it, but you can’t do the same for me. I’m mad at myself, I’ve figured out all the above and I’m still emotionally attached and suffering. What does that make me?
I need to study.