Monthly Archives: April 2017

We Kill The Lights

Every prince is a fantasy, the witch is inside of me…

 

I went out to the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival for a little bit last night before grabbing food with a friend.  I didn’t realize until after one of the dishes was tempura fried and thought one night would’t kill me and I would resume my clean eating today (I hate that terminology so much).  I woke up feeling like I had the flu and was just in a car accident.  I didn’t know it could feel this bad after avoiding gluten for a while.  So I guess there’s that.

 

The star will shine, and then it’ll fall.  And you will forget it all.

 

I’ve made the hard decision to not complete the scholarship and to formally withdraw from university for now.  I’d been making it a priority to put sleep first, then eating regularly, working, going to my appointments, and then finally handling the apartment and doing school last, those last two competed for time and energy if either actually happened.  This wasn’t sustainable and I had a lot of pride to shake off to admit it.  But I’ve destroyed myself before trying to not let anything go, and then failed at it all.  I feel defeated and heartbroken about this.  And I keep trying to remind myself that I made it through a move and learning a new job, and now I’m starting all over again learning yet another job.  Everything has been different the last three weeks.  I’m tired of feeling guilt every time I borrow time to breathe, leave the apartment, and see a friend or go to an event.  And I need time that’s not dedicated to work or school for my own sanity.  I don’t want everything slipping out of my hands again, I don’t want to destroy my health, and I really hate feeling like a glass canon.  Hopefully scaling down now means I can pick this back up later when there’s more bandwidth.  One of my mentors said she wasn’t sure how I was appearing sane when I was in the office during the day.  A friend said catching myself before falling shows I’ve matured since the last time I faced this kind of decision.  I get it logically, but it’s not sinking in emotionally.  I don’t feel that way.  I don’t know if I waited too long but I’m hoping I caught myself, I hope I did better this time.

 

And after midnight we’re all the same.

 

I knew I would ebb and flow with you, and I knew neither of us would ever be angry, sad, or upset about silence again.  That still rings true for me, and I hope that’s true for you.  It doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from you, I always have.  I like that things aren’t loaded anymore.  But I can tell there’s been a residual bit of sadness and hope I’ve been trying to work through or ignore.  I also still have a problem you acted spitefully against me.  I’m not holding a grudge, I’m not angry.  Just disappointed.

 

We’re falling apart.

 

Forcing anything has always backfired.  But it’s true, I thought there were things I’d do for the first time in this city with you.  Approaching a year without you was giving me anxiety.  Buying a house on Vashion was giving me anxiety because I felt like you weren’t doing it right.  I have no right to think that.  It’s none of my business.  I always hoped it’d be different.  I wanted you closer to me, I wanted you with me.  I keep writing “I” so selfishly.  I mean I’d never dreamed or imagined how my hypothetical wedding should go as a child, and thought if it ever happened I’d figure it out later with the person I’d marry, but for some reason Mt. Charleston came to mind.  Never ever thought in a million years that would be my ideal, but I now have happy memories and sentimental value there.  It would be like: go to the mountain, do the thing, then go back to the airport for wherever destination #2 is and gtfo, lol.  Gullible silly me.

 

Their colors are paling in the falling rain.

 

But seriously,  I think where I’m at is a testament to the fact that I haven’t allowed any of this to hold me back from making the right decisions for my life, what opportunities to push for, where to go, how to live.  As sad as I am that it’s been yet another factor keeping you away, I am still glad I encouraged you to take the offer where you are now.  It sounds like it’s still stressful (that sounds like a given no matter where you’ll end up at your level), but it sounds like you get more out of where you are now in return and for that I am happy.

 

Looking like a compromised suicide.

 

I have been trying to mind myself when interacting with you, and trying to match your cadence.  Sometimes I don’t have it in me to initiate anymore and enjoy the silence.  Sometimes when you respond I try not to overload and feel like I’ve failed.  And I feel like sometimes I lag behind by a few days on that.  I love and miss you.  I just assume there’s a residual bit of love for me left in you.  A lot of that is based on how you used to write to me.  We’re not together until we’re physically together… that’s true.  I’ve been hoping you’d prove me wrong, but  I don’t ever expect to see you again.

 

Keeping all my dreams alive.

 

Next weekend I am going to PJ Harvey, then in a couple weeks I’ll be at TBM.  I know I’ll wish you were there, since you missed the first round.  I mean you were in SF and I was in LV, but you were in SF and I was in LV.

I’m trying to enjoy my time here more, find more room to breathe.  I hope this downsizing obligations thing works and I can keep making better adjustments over time.

New moon

There’s a new moon tonight, and I can feel it.

Still a little entertained our scent dopples have been throwing us off lately.  We haven’t been in each other’s presence in 8 months, we’re going to be approaching a year soon.  I guess there are little nuances and things that remind us of other people, but there’s something about scent that feels physically closer, almost like you could close your eyes and reach out,  maybe feel soft silky sheets against skin… or fabric from a shirt.

How do we still remember the way we smell? (It’s just a reminder of time and distance)

Once more, with feeling

Had a dream I had a really pretty gf who got cold feet after we were getting serious and she started going off on what if she wanted a black wedding dress or what if other things didn’t line up, and I was all that’s cool. Cause I can work with that.  We starting singing our responses like it was Once More, with Feeling. She was legit walking away from me and going down the street and I saw her sister and niece walking over so I called to her to come back and the sister asked, did you propose? And I said no, we just somehow landed on this topic and she got really nervous and walked out.  Her sister mentioned how the guy she dated previously and her were going to elope and she left him there.

There were some other bits about the weather around the world being crazy and I wasn’t sure where in the states I was.  I had some issues with apps in my phone like Yelp and banking.

I got into an argument with my ob/gyn… funny thing is I meet her tomorrow.

In the dream I was in the operating room for a routine appointment and she looked like Kepner from GA and was being rude and another doc wa there later doing a surgery on a cadaver as a workshop for students to observe and I was all… seriously?

Alternate Phoenix

I was in the office but it looked different and Sean was being very condescending on things.  Somehow the topic of Viva came up, the Pinup thing that happens in Vegas and I talked about how a couple of my girlfriends went there and competed and how I used to go (always missed it irl) but I know what that is cause I’ve done pinup style, and looked over to my left to see my reflection against the whiteboard and I was wearing some purple hat but the period wear was closer to Victorian which annoyed me due to circumstances.

He and Thomas and left and I was walking when I saw them outside of their truck, they’d rear ended an armor vehicle and I thought of stopping to seee if they were okay and decided not to and kept going.  I ended up in the desert but wasn’t sure where, since I was east of Phoenix I thought maybe Vegas in the dream (why not NM?).   and my car was messed up or destroyed or something.  I was trying to figure out how to get it back and was running into something weird with the dealership about new car finance terms for a new car… that was still my car? It was weird.  At dinner a friend was saying I could go back to Phoenix for a bit while I waited, and he had two other friends there who were like Jonathan and Alex from Buffy in behavior  (but looked different) and we got into some weird trivial argument and they were talking about how hard they could party, and I was all pfft you guys got nuthin, and when they asked how old I was I was all I’m over 29 but it doesn’t matter cause Phoenix peeps know how to party! And the friend / person I knew was like oh no and the two other guys got visibly upset and flipped the table we were sitting at, and it was one of those large round banquet tables you see inside of ballrooms that get rented out in hotels or conference venues.  And then I realized they were mad at the friend we all knew because he was being low key and I indirectly called him out for being able to go around and “rage” with them cause he was also from Phoenix.  Whatevs.  I looked at the weather app and it was 103 there at night so I wasn’t sure how I was gonna handle it.  I was also trying to figure out work and then thought I should message my boss and let him know I was stranded so I’d be working remotely while there.

I was trying to find relatives to crash with or to find for safety while I was stranded there and ended up in a car with this person who was supposedly a family friend and then someone else was driving up front.  He was lighting a cigarette but it looked more like the size of a blunt and almost the whole thing flowed red so when he asked me to hold it for a sec because something was up with his hand it freaked me out after I’d taken it.  I handed it back and he was fine.  He was instructing the person driving what to do and she said it to push it but because he wanted her to hurry she blew through a red light and drove over a bunch of broken glass. It looked like car wrecks were common in that intersection.  Finally we stopped and he got out, so I guess we were where he wanted to be.  And then I realized I needed to go to GWCC and the campus was way different and then we were at someone else’s house and I guess these we’re more family friends.  I was trying to explain where the campus was and they confirmed it was just down the street so this was manageable.

I went to the campus and was in the computer lab for a bit then decided it was time to head back, and noticed my dad’s Mac book and went to grab it to take it with.  Back at the family friends house I was going over some stuff on my own computer and this guy was sitting there at a desk and it was like he just knew what was going on with my situation.  And it was weird how I was stuck there, like why not just fly back home for a week or however long it was gonna take for things to sort out and then fly back or have my car shipped up? It was like I was trapped in an alternate universe where things were a little different and options thsf would normally be available weren’t.  The guy who kind of knew was involved but idk how, like if he did it and had motI’ve or if he was fhere to observe me,

And dad and my uncle came back and had some weird looking contents in what looked like the clear plastic to go food containers pho places used for broth. It was cancer cells and growth from grandpa they had and were trying to research for something that seemed very motivated by self preservation and my uncle opened the top and leaned it towards me and I was all eww get that away from me, and got up to walk around.  There’s more but I can’t remember.

City of origin

Had strange dreams with my friend Dan, we visited Michelle at one point.  I was in Phoenix and was coming up on the horizon to downtown and almost cried because I missed it and it was warmer and sunny but not like invasive bright, and then it started raining and I was all.. okay the rain followed me lol.

But it was off, like you’re driving in Seattle but get over the hill on the 5 and see downtowns landscape and it’s like ooo, or like people who first visit Vegas see the strip for the first time, and Phoenix is so spread out that you don’t get that juxtaposition between not much and then downtown.

I mean the best view for me was driving into Phoenix on the i-10 east bound through north Phoenix into downtown cause the freeway is split between downtown and uptown and I remember visiting after living in Vegas and it was breathtaking. I grew up there and know it’s a big city but it never felt like it until I spent time in Vegas and especially that first visit back, it felt bigger the first day.  Where I am now is way denser, people would say this is more of a metro, but Phoenix probably has the same number of towers, just spread out.

Engagement?

Another string of weird dreams.  There was some weird self service clinic with the half ass supervision of medical staff for “superficial” wounds.  I had some metal shard or something protruding from the  side of my chest and had to pull it out and address it, but the counter where the paper towels and other items at was busy and I didn’t want to squeeze by other people in case I bumped it.  There were a couple dogs and I was worried about them excitedly jumping up on me for attention too.  Eventually I made it and addressed the problem.

In another dream I was on a couch having sex with someone I was engaged to and it was great but he started to break his rhythm and paused for a couple seconds, so I offered to get on top and kissed him.  He got up to go clean up shortly after.  From what I can remember he was this tall Asian guy with hella black hair and it was short, but that’s really it.  Idk how we met or became engaged.  I lost my ring or something and then found it, and he was being deployed somewhere (but for like scientific research projects) and I was supposed to follow later but had to leave him at this gigantic elevator.

I walked around and was gonna ask KB about splitting the cost of gas and taking turns driving when he said he was going to Vegas, and saw him go up a crowded stair case when I was talking to someone else, so I tried to excise myself from here and this table to go find him.  I finally reached the top of the stairs and looked down to see him stsjdif on the roof and though… I always wondered how to get up here.  The lights on the roof were purple like some night clubs and I came down the other side of the stairs on to the roof then walked through the crowd looking for him.  There were a lot of people and then when he spotted me he got mad and told me to leave.  He made a big deal about me just making it in uninvited and I pointed out how he through it easy cool at defcon but he wasn’t seeing his hypocrisy.  I mean I knew he just walked in too. Then there wa something implied about money and I know like 2/3 of the peoooe who attend defcon don’t pay to get in anyway. And I ran into Sahar and we were going to find our purses and leave.  I talked about how if I was staying I’d only be there maybe 30 or 30 minutes and they don’t allow purchases for the entire week long event, and that’s payingo er a 1000 hours for  maybe 40 minutes of use, and asked would you pay a weeks ffood budget for only one meal? And not like a fancy one but like an okay one? No. And grabbed a toolbox I recognized and when I guy came up to ask about it I told him it was one my dad gave me before he died.  And the guy started to rearrange things so I told him to go away.

And I was standing in the car port looking at the rain pouring through the glass, now it was like an Arizona room and was enclosed.  The neighbors came out and we’re having trouble with shipping or delivery with primeand I explained some stuff  to them and they went back inside to make a phone call or Idk.

Nonsense dreams

Had the weirdest dream mom was on the phone with emo, and was all happy.

Then one where I saw the one night stand that wouldn’t go away online and he was in grad school and it pissed me off.

Then there was one where I was in a large classroom and Darla and Dru got Angelus to kill everyone in one shot and all these light orbs dropped out of these people and they fell over and disintegrated.  I was skipped from the orb death thingie and ran out into the hall then into the locker rooms. Now that I’m awake that sounds like a terrible idea.

None of the above make sense.

Indulgences

Could you imagine waking up next to me every morning?  In a warm bed with fluffy pillows and soft sheets, and a sea of blankets to cuddle and play in?  You already know my favorite way to spend mornings.  Weekends could start lazy, waking up when the sunlight starts to peek through the blinds with slow movements and affections, and would escalate.  Then coffee, breakfast, shower, maybe round two some mornings depending on what’s on the schedule for the day.  But that sounds like a perfect weekend to me.  And home base might be up here in this little part of the world, but we could wake up anywhere, and it would be perfect.

And we could have a home, maybe single story? Do those even exist out here?  I’m not sure… but I know there would be lots of trees out back and it would be pretty.  There could be a fireplace, and a large kitchen with two ovens, and it would smell like espresso and cinnamon, it’ll be cozy.  And there’d be a room full of books, maybe one for crafts and insane projects, maybe gaming? Pfft, systems would just take over the main room, I mean it is us after all.  Here’s a big one, we’ll finally figure out how to manage a work life blance.  Maybe we have a cute dog, maybe two.  They’d have a lot of room anyway.  And mom would have her own suite on the other side of the house so she’d still be there but we’d still have privacy.  I know she’ll be busy making kimchi and other banchan with her group of friends.  Maybe someday we have a couple kids.  They might be blood, they might be adopted, but they will be loved the same regardless.  And they will travel the world with us.  I mean winters here are kind of crazy, we could go to Hawaii or Maldives in December.  We’d have to visit family landmarks in Japan and Korea.  We’ll go everywhere, we kind of have to since it’s necessary to reach one of my goals.  I don’t think anyone would mind.  I don’t think I’m asking for too much from this world, I just want to wake up next to the love of my life every morning, and I want to build a life together.

Going Red

I had a string of nightmares last night / early this morning and didn’t bother to record them, I guess I just didn’t want to remember them.  I know they were strange but insignificant.  The one good bit was the sex dream with the work wifey.

Listened to a lot of TBM today but I’ve been on a bit of a KANGA binge lately.

happiness and emptiness

Weird dream with a lot of random places, tea, candles… regular candles, faux tea light candles, nice elderly peeps (elderly couple?) practicing some kind of pagan but idk what specifically.  But they were friendly and offered me earl grey.  Someone who was like Patti but wasn’t tried to give me a black skirt with pink roses on it and white polka dots and I said I didn’t want it, and she seemed disappointed and said it wasn’t hers, like it was something she’d gotten specifically for me.  It felt like there was some kind of history there and I was mad at her so she was trying to make amends after she was mean and I wasn’t having any of it.

I was chatting with someone through text and put my phone down and left it for a while.  Jay picked up my phone and saw the next notification and immediately accused me of cheating, and I said I wasn’t cheating on him with anyone (which was true irl but whatevs) and that we hadn’t even met before.   He walked away and I did too, then I saw is shadow on the side walk and saw that he had my coat, keys, and phone, and when I turned around he handed them to me.

There was some other place with  equestrian sports competitions going on, and then there was a park with playground equipment and peeps dressed like the military swiping cards nearby, it was like Riley and the mission, eww.  And I pulled up some insta app thing that went to a page with a Chinese calendar and it had a bunch of pretty floral pictures and then there was a red page with a bird.

But the weirdest nicest bit was being in bed when this guy got in behind me and held me.  It wasn’t Josh or Jay, but it was that level of familiar.  He looked kind of like Josh Dallas (which is weird).  When we interacted he treated me well, he treated me like real Josh but without all the attached sadness.  He treated me in a way that he could fully reciprocate and I could fully invest in. Idk how I can wake up equal parts happy and empty inside.

Dreams and fallacies

I had a little bit of a mini melt down today, which I still can’t understand.  I’ve wanted nothing more than for you to be near me.  I mean we lived in the same state for years and never even knew it.  Tucson’s only what.. an hour and a half away from Phoenix? Two hours at most?  I don’t know… and that one time when you said you weren’t sure if you’d move to Vegas or if I’d move to the Bay Area, if we pulled the trigger on this, I mean I already knew I’d go to you, and I’d make it happen no matter what.  I was ready, I was ready for a year before you made my heart give up.  And I struggled with myself, and stopped fighting myself and chastising myself (finally).  And I let my heart swell, I let the overwhelming emotion ebb and flow as it needs freely, it’s just easier than fighting myself in an already impossible to swallow situation. I try to encourage myself to make little steps forward as time goes on.  I already did the big ones, new city, new job, new-ish mini career change, new people, clean slate, no history.  It’s good and bad, it’s still different.  It’s still foreign even though its slowing becoming the new norm.  It’s still painfully lonely.  And I know current circumstances with still adjusting to living alone + work and school exacerbate that sometimes, and I’m constantly reminding myself this is temporary and it’s for the greater good, even though I don’t know what that looks like or what it actually is yet.  I’m so taxed right now but I know I’m on the edge of obtaining some things I’ve wanted very soon.  So it’s okay, because there’s the light for a couple things.  But with you, this isn’t temporary.  I struggled against that so much, and I felt like when it eventually clicked, the world really was black and white again.  When I couldn’t see you in my future in the way that I’d hoped, I felt like I’d fallen from heaven, and everything is harsh, and bleak, and cold.  But I just keep going day by day, what else is there to do?  So you’re peeking at properties here off and on, and you’ve always wanted to come here and are still holding on to that dream.  That’s good, I’m glad you hadn’t given up on that.  It’s just, when we both ended up here I didn’t expect it to be like this.  I didn’t think you’d bring Anna with you.  For a long time I kept wishing she’d find someone who came from family money, like stupid money and was a closet slave masochist and she could latch on and use him and they could be happy doing whatever it is they would do.. idk.  That’s obviously not my thing.  But she’s still an excuse.  I thought she was holding you emotionally hostage with her suicide threats, but she’s already established she’s conned and used men before you, she’s probably doing it now with whoever she’s cheating on you with, and she doesn’t give a fuck because she’s got everything.  If she “lost” you, she has backups.

I’m mad you can hold on to a dream like Seattle and can take steps to get closer to it, but you can’t do the same for me.  I’m mad at myself, I’ve figured out all the above and I’m still emotionally attached and suffering.  What does that make me?

I need to study.

The worst timing epiphany

She already established a pattern of manipulating and using men for whatever she wanted and needed long before she met you… and she actively cheated on all of them, and we believe she’d kill herself if you walked out… when she’s that selfish? I can’t even be angry at her when this is her nature. It’s what she did before she met you, it’s what she’ll continue to do after you, and during you for that matter.  You’ve already confirmed she’s cheated on your more than once.  Even if you tell her you don’t want her going on dates with whoever hits on her at work, she’ll do it with or without your blessing.

I can be mad at you for knowing this and allowing her to continue to have this power over you. Then I’d only continue to be mad at myself for sacrificing any more energy towards this since you won’t change anything.  You’re making excuses or your in denial.

I wish I put this together a couple years ago, fuck… a year ago would have been helpful.

I’ll never get to say these things in person, not that there’s any guarantee I would have gotten a straight answer if I ever even had the chance to make these statements.