Somethings been eating at me for a while, longer than I really know or would care to admit. I’ve been trying really hard not to push myself in any direction that could backfire on me or make matters worse. I’ve tried distracting myself and staying busy within reason, dealing with the string of colds that have hit me back to back since I move here. But none of this really matters. You are still my first thought when I wake up in the morning and when I finally crash out at night. You move into the background as I go through the day, sometimes you’re not there anymore, but you always come back. I know this is one sided. I don’t know how people move on from these sort of things. I’m sure this kind of circumstance isn’t unique. Everything I said last summer I meant, I felt with every ounce of my being, and it still stands true today. We suffered great losses, or at least I did. I’m not so sure about what goes on in your world these days. We don’t talk nearly as much as we used to, and I know part of that is circumstance and lack of need professionally. You have no business in Seattle. I thought I counted for at least one reason to visit but I stopped looking at the calendar a while back. I understand we all have people in our lives who we don’t talk to as much anymore, but can pick back up when we see each other, and still care the same, and those dynamics don’t diminish. What got me though, was when I would force myself to cut you off, against everything I wanted, and you said you couldn’t stop talking to me because you’d gotten used to it. That you could disappear from anyone or not talk to anyone for a long period of time, but I thought I was different. Well, I guess you found a way. I don’t even know what I was maintaining out of habit anymore. I was happy putting effort in because it didn’t feel like effort to me. But that reciprocation has been drying up steadily for some time now. I guess this is the curse of loving someone more than they ever loved you, and I’m not saying you didn’t because you don’t need to communicate as much as I do. But entropy slowly creeps in when the silence grows, when the affection isn’t there. That would happen in time whether there was distance or not.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. I had a conversation with a friend who is trying to make something work with a girl up north of here he originally had to walk away from a couple years ago. Their circumstances have changed to where they are viable now and he’s throwing himself in. He’s been driving from San Jose to pretty much the Canadian border every couple weeks to be with her and he’s trying to relocate here in an effort to solidify things. There was another friend in Phoenix who was with a girlfriend he knew he hadn’t loved for the last two or three years, but wasn’t willing to rock the boat because they lived together and they each had kids from previous divorces. He recently met someone and instantly fell for her, and it was reciprocated. He was emotionally distraught because he didn’t want to hurt anyone and I explained someone would be at a minimum, if not all parties depending on what he did next. He already knew where his heart was and I urged him to cut it off with the old girlfriend before pursuing the new girl so he wouldn’t ruin something good. He did it that weekend and he’s happy. He just moved into a new apartment. I know the old girlfriend is heartbroken right now but she has a chance to find the right person now, and he succeeded in cutting ties before starting with the new girl, no cheating, no gray area. I was happy for both parties, I still genuinely am. I am jealous that I never got the same chance with you. I’ve been miserable. I don’t know how to give up that misery, it’s been a question I’ve had for a long time. I don’t know why I even feel like mentioning in here, that while I try to take each day as a small step forward and away from this, that I’m not running in any direction, away from anything, or towards anything. I’m not looking for a replacement, you can’t replace people in your life. I will never love anyone the same way I loved you. I speak in past tense even though it’s still there buried inside. When I do end up loving someone it will be different, and that is good. At least you got what you wanted, even if it wasn’t perfect. You got to keep me in your life, even if I had to make some adjustments. You didn’t have to go without talking to me because you couldn’t stop. Because I couldn’t stop, and I never learned how to just be a friend. We were both liars. I understand why, but you even stopped writing to me and that just made this hit harder. You know, you wrote to me quite a bit last summer. I believed everything you wrote. I didn’t think I was just some escape while the world fell apart 500 miles away. And you even stopped sharing pics of what you were up to with me and quit sending selfies. You got to stop talking to me when you decided you could go on without me. You never had to worry about if I stopped talking to you suddenly. You never had to worry about being pulled back and forth, or being ripped and healed. You’ve never been afraid to text me. You don’t miss me. Your mind doesn’t drift to me. You never felt like you lost of a piece of yourself. Because that’s all me. That’s on my side, and that’s what I’ve felt. It doesn’t kill you to not have me in your life, because you are able, and I am only an option, and one that you’ve been progressively ghosting. You’ve never been jealous of my dreams or interactions with others. You’ve never been intrigued by the possibilities of the future, because you always knew you would never give it a chance despite knowing you would never have to leap alone when it comes to me. It’s not even March yet, and I already know I won’t hear from you on my birthday and that’s unbelievably more soul crushing than I’d ever want to admit. It’s all been frivolous talk to keep me sucked in, and I allowed it. There’s nothing you want to tell me but can’t. We are not paper boats. You ghosted, and I don’t know if you even realize it or if you even care now. I’m grieving so hard and I don’t want to admit that. A friend in Phoenix said the stress of moving somewhere new where you don’t know anyone is like dealing with the death of a loved one and to be careful because I’d be going through the seven stages of grief. I said that sounded like a very extreme comparison and he said to just be careful about making big decisions or commitments. And I forgot about that and a few days later I woke up and it felt like I was dying inside. And I feel like I did last year when I had no closure and was trying to grasp at it when I thought that was it. And then when things picked up after I thought it was okay because context was different but at least then you were being consistent. And this is compounding now. The weight of this move and with you are spiraling. And if all you wanted to do was play me, you succeeded, and if you didn’t and this makes you sad you brought it on yourself. But you can’t be surprised. I didn’t make this. You may have sadness in your life, but I am not the source, because I have never closed you off, not until I realized you were no longer listening. I stop reaching out when people stop responding. I stop responding when I can’t trust people to be consistent. I’m spiraling. I’m writing this so I can get it out and sleep. You’re no longer there anyway. Were you ever there? Because you never kept up with the little things, and it’s the little things over time that make and break everything.
Just empty words.