I know he hasn’t gone by Heathen in yeeeears. Also can’t believe I’ve known him since I was 16, and man I’m having ethical conflicts from a goddamn dream, and I’m questioning past decisions. Even though I know I made some bad moves out of circumstances, the ones I abstained from were still correct. I mean is he one of my best friend’s ex fiances, and I don’t care how many years have passed, you don’t go there.
In the dream I woke up from, I was laying on a chair on front of his computer but it was more like a recliner, and there was a cute tiny cat curled up behind me that eventually snuggled up in my arm. A screensaver eventually started cycling through material and it was late so I was passing out. Apparently I’m still exhausted when dreaming. I was going in and out of consciousness and then woke up in blankets on the floor, I guess I was carried since I fell asleep and didn’t really think anything of it until I realized someone was behind me and it was Heathen. He must have noticed I’d woken up and started moving around so he put his arm around me and it felt nice, and then the mental conflict started and I thought wait… this is off. I started remembering he’s married, and I know they don’t have a traditional marriage but I wasn’t sure what their ground rules were and got nervous. I didn’t want to be accused of anything so I remained quiet, and as still as possible. But he knew how to make me twitch, it was like instinct, it was alarming but I didn’t want him to stop. He slipped his fingers between my legs and holy hell it was everything I wanted at that moment. He stopped and got up to check on something and I kept tossing around and couldn’t get comfortable or really sleep… in a freaking dream.. so I got up and went to the bathroom just so I could be alone and collect myself but couldn’t and felt like blacking out for a minute. I went back to lay down and had some dream about some Simpsons episode that doesn’t exist, and woke up to see it was morning and the sun was peeking through the windows. He was on his back and had his arm around me and it was calm.. and I wondered about all the drama and asked myself when did we reconcile everything? How did we get to this point? I remember him and his wife disclosing conversations they had about inviting me into their bedroom at one point. And.. I mean now I have history with his brother- I don’t even want to think about the one night stand that wouldn’t go away ever. So I was like fuck it and put my arm around him and snuggled to go back to sleep and he squeezed me close.
The whole thing was just so weird, and even in the dream I gave up trying to figure out what was going on and just wanted to sleep. I’ve been perpetually tired irl, woke up exhausted despite going to bed at a decent hour, and am painfully sex deprived.. pseudo by choice. I wish I could get an offer I could reciprocate. I’ve had to shoot down everyone so far because the interest isn’t there from these individuals. I like how this dream post just spiraled into venting *sarcasm*. But seriously, in the dream he was more like the nice caring Heathen I knew for years before I learned about all of the baggage and how bad he was. He’s a very attractive man who is a terrible person. I want to believe he’s actually a good person who made some terrible choices in recent years but the way he treated my friend confirms he’s just bad and she dodged a bullet. I can tell she still thinks he’s the one who got away, and I wish she could accept the truth since more than one person who spent a lot of time with him was able to confirm the same things that came out of his mouth. I almost wanted to try a reconciliation because I’ve had time and distance to see what went wrong and where I was wrong on my side. I know I was being reactive to what was going on around me but I can still own my personal actions. His brother is worse, he uses anyone, displaces blame, has a strong martyr complex, twists contexts behind events to skew perception, and he does it to his own family. I didn’t realize that until after. Heathen and his wife still did some terrible things, and still did some things that didn’t sit well with me ethically.. but who am I to talk about ethics anymore? And how much of that was personal observation versus his brother’s input. We have not spoken or had any contact in years, and it will stay that way. It’s better that way.