Monthly Archives: February 2017

I Walked Into The Room Dripping In Gold

Sabrina flew into town earlier today, we were cutting it too close to make brunch so we went to this really tasty gastropub by her hotel.  What’s crazy though is the music went from Purity Ring’s Begin Again right into the Adventure Club remix of Flight Facilities’ Crave You. Back . To . Back.  Seriously?  It’s my favorite Purity Ring song and the moon and earth bit make me think of him.  I’ve sent him the lyrics to Crave you, I creeped a friend out when I heard it playing somewhere and sang a few lines with it, apparently because I was spot on so at least I’m not going tone-deaf and that’s good, lol.  But this was so close to a playlist I have and both songs make me think of him.  I mean we have a lot of shared music but some hit a little harder than others.  The food was so good too, I’d want to take him there if he ever visited… but I abstained from texting about the music or sending food pics or girlfriend selfies.  It would have been pointless.  He wouldn’t have responded to me anyway.  Especially on a weekend.  I learn his patterns and then he changes them again with more gaps.  I was trying to figure out the communication drop off, which is hard when it’s been sloping down for a while, and it seems like it dropped off a lot since I relocated here.  Maybe before then but I’m not really sure anymore.  Why does it matter?  Why do I care?

My heart broke when I saw you kept your gaze controlled.

We were both liars

Somethings been eating at me for a while, longer than I really know or would care to admit.  I’ve been trying really hard not to push myself in any direction that could backfire on me or make matters worse.  I’ve tried distracting myself and staying busy within reason, dealing with the string of colds that have hit me back to back since I move here.  But none of this really matters.  You are still my first thought when I wake up in the morning and when I finally crash out at night.  You move into the background as I go through the day, sometimes you’re not there anymore, but you always come back.  I know this is one sided.  I don’t know how people move on from these sort of things.  I’m sure this kind of circumstance isn’t unique.  Everything I said last summer I meant, I felt with every ounce of my being, and it still stands true today.  We suffered great losses, or at least I did.  I’m not so sure about what goes on in your world these days.  We don’t talk nearly as much as we used to, and I know part of that is circumstance and lack of need professionally.  You have no business in Seattle.  I thought I counted for at least one reason to visit but I stopped looking at the calendar a while back.  I understand we all have people in our lives who we don’t talk to as much anymore, but can pick back up when we see each other, and still care the same, and those dynamics don’t diminish.  What got me though, was when I would force myself to cut you off, against everything I wanted, and you said you couldn’t stop talking to me because you’d gotten used to it.  That you could disappear from anyone or not talk to anyone for a long period of time, but I thought I was different.  Well, I guess you found a way.  I don’t even know what I was maintaining out of habit anymore.  I was happy putting effort in because it didn’t feel like effort to me. But that reciprocation has been drying up steadily for some time now.  I guess this is the curse of loving someone more than they ever loved you, and I’m not saying you didn’t because you don’t need to communicate as much as I do.  But entropy slowly creeps in when the silence grows, when the affection isn’t there.  That would happen in time whether there was distance or not.

I don’t know where I’m going with this.  I had a conversation with a friend who is trying to make something work with a girl up north of here he originally had to walk away from a couple years ago.  Their circumstances have changed to where they are viable now and he’s throwing himself in. He’s been driving from San Jose to pretty much the Canadian border every couple weeks to be with her and he’s trying to relocate here in an effort to solidify things.  There was another friend in Phoenix who was with a girlfriend he knew he hadn’t loved for the last two or three years, but wasn’t willing to rock the boat because they lived together and they each had kids from previous divorces.  He recently met someone and instantly fell for her, and it was reciprocated.  He was emotionally distraught because he didn’t want to hurt anyone and I explained someone would be at a minimum, if not all parties depending on what he did next. He already knew where his heart was and I urged him to cut it off with the old girlfriend before pursuing the new girl so he wouldn’t ruin something good.  He did it that weekend and he’s happy.  He just moved into a new apartment.  I know the old girlfriend is heartbroken right now but she has a chance to find the right person now, and he succeeded in cutting ties before starting with the new girl, no cheating, no gray area.  I was happy for both parties, I still genuinely am.  I am jealous that I never got the same chance with you.  I’ve been miserable.  I don’t know how to give up that misery, it’s been a question I’ve had for a long time.  I don’t know why I even feel like mentioning in here, that while I try to take each day as a small step forward and away from this, that I’m not running in any direction, away from anything, or towards anything.  I’m not looking for a replacement, you can’t replace people in your life.  I will never love anyone the same way I loved you.  I speak in past tense even though it’s still there buried inside.  When I do end up loving someone it will be different, and that is good.  At least you got what you wanted, even if it wasn’t perfect.  You got to keep me in your life, even if I had to make some adjustments.  You didn’t have to go without talking to me because you couldn’t stop.  Because I couldn’t stop, and I never learned how to just be a friend.  We were both liars.  I understand why, but you even stopped writing to me and that just made this hit harder.  You know, you wrote to me quite a bit last summer.  I believed everything you wrote.  I didn’t think I was just some escape while the world fell apart 500 miles away.  And you even stopped sharing pics of what you were up to with me and quit sending selfies.  You got to stop talking to me when you decided you could go on without me.  You never had to worry about if I stopped talking to you suddenly.  You never had to worry about being pulled back and forth, or being ripped and healed.  You’ve never been afraid to text me.  You don’t miss me.  Your mind doesn’t drift to me.  You never felt like you lost of a piece of yourself.  Because that’s all me.  That’s on my side, and that’s what I’ve felt.    It doesn’t kill you to not have me in your life, because you are able, and I am only an option, and one that you’ve been progressively ghosting.   You’ve never been jealous of my dreams or interactions with others.    You’ve never been intrigued by the possibilities of the future, because you always knew you would never give it a chance despite knowing you would never have to leap alone when it comes to me. It’s not even March yet, and I already know I won’t hear from you on my birthday and that’s unbelievably more soul crushing than I’d ever want to admit.   It’s all been frivolous talk to keep me sucked in, and I allowed it. There’s nothing you want to tell me but can’t.  We are not paper boats.  You ghosted, and I don’t know if you even realize it or if you even care now.  I’m grieving so hard and I don’t want to admit that.  A friend in Phoenix said the stress of moving somewhere new where you don’t know anyone is like dealing with the death of a loved one and to be careful because I’d be going through the seven stages of grief.  I said that sounded like a very extreme comparison and he said to just be careful about making big decisions or commitments.  And I forgot about that and a few days later I woke up and it felt like I was dying inside.  And I feel like I did last year when I had no closure and was trying to grasp at it when I thought that was it.  And then when things picked up after I thought it was okay because context was different but at least then you were being consistent.  And this is compounding now.  The weight of this move and with you are spiraling.  And if all you wanted to do was play me, you succeeded, and if you didn’t and this makes you sad you brought it on yourself.  But you can’t be surprised.  I didn’t make this.  You may have sadness in your life, but I am not the source, because I have never closed you off, not until I realized you were no longer listening. I stop reaching out when people stop responding.   I stop responding when I can’t trust people to be consistent.   I’m spiraling.  I’m writing this so I can get it out and sleep.  You’re no longer there anyway.  Were you ever there? Because you never kept up with the little things, and it’s the little things over time that make and break everything.

Just empty words.

Always wandering, always searching

We were on a bed in the middle of my room and you turned over to the edge of the bed to close the door, then rolled back over to me.  It was dim with natural light trying to peek through the blinds.  This looked a lot like my room in Phoenix except it wasn’t purple. And I had some weird flashbacks where we were in period clothing, like in the 18th century, and then we were there in bed and it was the 21st century again.  You were sadistic and dangerous.  You were malicious, but in this moment you were calm and safe, and even seemed happy.  I was in your arms fading in and out and looking at the window.

I ended up in “my room” but it was different and I didn’t recognize it.  I had a glass door that opened to a back yard and I couldn’t tell how much land there was.  There was a tree in front and then some cleared muddy area before more trees again.  I couldn’t tell if this was the PNW or some extremely rural part of Alabama in the winter.  And I was thinking about where I’d been previously and about you.  I looked at my key ring to see all the different keys on them and looked out the window to stare at nature while I bent over and sprawled out on my made bed.  I wanted to send you selfies but didn’t know if you’d respond so I abstained. And then I got up and wandered the house and sat at a couch to look out the front window, and there were a bunch of animals outside. There was a large gray angora rabbit, a couple skunks I worried about flipping out and  getting defensive, dogs on leashes, their owners, some livestock, they were waiting for a veterinarian and the vet may have been inside the building I was in.

I got up and wandered to the back, there were aisles of packaged foods, mostly junk food I walked past and saw a couple guys cataloging and organizing them.  I was walking past and a couple boxes almost fell over so I stopped to stabilize them and bent down to grab my items after, realizing I was topless and had to adjust my clothing, but instead of continuing down the hall to the right to get back to my room I decided to turn around and go left out to a courtyard and then saw a cliff and some water.  There was a Mediterranean style villa and a lot of merch and people.  I wandered in to browse black flowy dresses but happened to be wearing one, and then wandered further back and saw the displays and the fetish clothing, then kept going back and it looked like the store on the ASU Tempe’s campus but with Seahawks gear instead of SunDevil stuff.  Towards the back there were cards and I paused to look at the Valentines ones for a second then continued to the back where the retail space opened up to another walkway similar to how Mandalay opens up when you go outside towards the pools.  I looked around and was back inside another living space when I ran into TSO, Jimmy, and a couple other people and we came up to a bedroom door.  I told TSO he should be in front of the door when we knocked cause it was Smatson and he was all sure, and Smatson opened the door and the group was going to go off somewhere but I noticed this chick sitting on a bench by the door and asked if she wanted to come along. She said she had to get a swimsuit and offered to let he borrow one of mine and said her being taller wasn’t a big deal cause she could borrow a bikini and I had a vintage one piece packed away I could wear too, and she accepted the offer so we started to walk back and then she disappeared.

I turned a corner and started walking down this huge staircase.  It had red carpet but the patterns or design or whatever looked like casino carpet and I started passing these chick’s on the left.  One of the girls complemented my hair then said “she’ll chop it off of you don’t do x.” I can’t remember what “x” was, but apparently it wasn’t “up to standard” for the property and I think it’s cause my bangs had grown out to my cheeks, and I was all okay thanks for the advice.  I kept going and saw this other girl passed me who I knew (in the dream) that was working there and I got her to walk with me and asked.. so being here covers room and board, whatever food you grab etc? And she was all yeah, and before I could ask about leftover wages she explained how she owned $50 and change but after all the fees there were no wages left.  So she was an indentured servant in dev. I think they expected me to accept the same position in IT and I was all that’s not gonna happen. So I tried to piece together where we were geographically and was going to tell her to just walk out, then decided I would go to SC and buy her out, then I was all wait she’s in development and suggested she go to SC to get setup and then payoff any remaining “debt” she had with these people.  We were outside walking towards the street while having this conversation and she kept moving on ahead and I told her to slow down cause I was in flipflops but she was in a hurry to add distance between her and the properly, and I woke up.

Summer Krampus?

Woke up from a dream this morning where I was working for you, but idk if it was like that never stopped or it started up again.  We were in some office or some corporate house and I walked over to the couch you were sitting on. It was some ugly oversized off white or light gray knitted looking loveseat and when I sat next to you, you kept your arms straight and kind of tensed up like you were trying to keep things strictly professional. Like… excessively trying too hard.  I forgot what we said but we eventually left the building to go look for foods and it looked like it was a little after noon.  I think I jacked a towncar or something and then we ditched it and we’re walking around and there were all of these kids in the streets and it was loud and chaotic, and all of these parents were beating the shit out of these kids with flip flops or was spanking them and I was all what is going on?? Then I realized it was May 6th so it was the day after children’s day, and I guess Mah 6th had become some summer time Krampus style holiday. Kaye.

Passion

I’ve been meaning to write this out of my system for a while but haven’t really had the time, or had the attention span to sit at the computer long enough to do it.  Last Thursday I went on a date with this guy, and it cracked me up cause I’ve been marathoning Buffy and Angel lately, and I told a girl friend if Angel were 6’4″ and Chinese American, he would be this guy, there’s no other way to describe how he looks.  Anyway, he picked me up and we went to the international district for hot pot then to a place in capitol hill where they have bowling and billiards and he gets us a table.. and I’m just thinking… omfg.  Because I suck at this so bad, it’s never been my game, this is my dad’s game.  And it’s not fair because his reach is way better and he tutor’s math while studying aerospace engineering.  So we fumble through a couple games (and I did a little better than I expected when I was patient) but this is a game of patience and after a couple rounds apparently we didn’t have much left.  So we chatted about a lot of random stuff, and the conversation flowed well… I mean it wasn’t a bunch of small talk but it was barely scratching the surface when getting to know someone and I was trying to figure him out.

He asked me what I liked to do for fun or what I did back in Phoenix I mentioned that I used to go dancing in goth clubs and he said he could see that, and then I mentioned I used to go to karaoke some nights with a group.  I acknowledged it’s hard to find time when working and going to school full time, and we’re both doing that right now, so I asked him what he liked to do whenever he had some time, or what he’d like to do if he had time.  He wasn’t very specific, but eventually mentioned snowboarding and being out on the mountain.  I mentioned how I really enjoy driving, and how I used to go to Jerome and Flagstaff, or how I used to get away to Mt. Charleston when I was in LV.  That was my little haven.  And the patience thing came up again cause he mentioned how he used to draw, paint, sculpt, and do other things but quit years ago because he didn’t have the patience for art… my problem isn’t a lack of patience for art.  I mean I lack patience sometimes for some things but you don’t need patience to create.  My problem is a lack of time.  The concept of not having the patience to do something (you supposedly want to do) kind of hurts my head.  B made a comment about architects and civil and aerospace engineers being like this, which is funny cause the guy was an architect major before switching to aerospace engineering, so I guess some stereotypes are there for a reason. Omg. I just had to ignore the art bit to continue the night.

The music at the venue was a bit hit and miss and kind of random but at some point Johnny Cash’s Walk The Line started playing and he noticed my head moving side to side and made a comment about it, and that’s when I was all oh hey Johnny Cash is a classic, and has influenced so many musicians.  So I thought this was perfect, you can really learn something about someone from music.  So I ask what he listened to or what concerts he went to and he mentioned getting dragged for Mariah Carey, and I was all dude I saw Britney Spears in Vegas and it was a great show.  He mentioned some other shows but made it sound like it was because someone else wanted to go and he was just along for the ride.  I mentioned the last show I went to was Orgy and PM5K a couple weekends ago and it was amazing! I’m so glad it was my first show here, and originally I was gonna go see KANGA in January but missed it cause I was sick.  Before moving here I saw Three Days Grace at the Hard Rock on my bday, and TBM before that at the same venue, and that’s when he said he didn’t recognize any of those names so I mentioned how the last show I saw before leaving Phoenix was Depeche Mode and Crystal Castles, and he recognized Depeche Mode.  lol oh em jee.  He said there was this one time he went with a group to karaoke (he doesn’t sing) and everybody there was singing to this song and a friend asked him why he wasn’t joining in, and he said because he didn’t know the lyrics.. and I’m thinking well, they’re on the screen, but I asked if it was Bohemian Rhapsody and he said no.  Then I asked if it was Journey and he said it was a David Bowie song, and I asked him if it was Ziggy Stardust or Fame and he said he didn’t know.  So I asked him what did he like to listen to, and he said rap and metal and I immediately wondered if I was dealing with a closet ratchet Asian but blurted out my second thought which was that’s an interesting mix.  He elaborated that he doesn’t really listen to the lyrics and phases them out, and it’s the fast pace of the music that helps him study.  So he listens to music while studying, which is cool and I’ve read articles on this but.. wow.  And then he said he didn’t understand why music was such a big deal to people since it’s never been a big part of his life and I wondered if this was just a thing with Chinese people and I was like nono stop… that’s racist. XD  So I dropped that thought and explained how when you meet someone new, if you find commonalities in music whether it’s a shared favorite band or song, it could be a clue on other non music related interest you might share, or maybe you both went to the same concert even if it was in different cities and it’s something to talk about.  I told him about the times I started talking music with people and have handed them my ipod touch before I got an iphone and they scrolled through my artist list only to hand it back and say “I feel like I know you,” and that is an exact quote.  Or I’ve had these amazing conversations about music lineage with Sister Machine Gun influencing NIN, and then we have Marilyn Manson and Filter.  I didn’t even get to the Johnny Cash stealing NIN’s Hurt bit, or the How To Destroy Angels connection.  I mean, I’ve always known this, but I can really see how much I’ve paid attention to and loved music just ranting these examples out, or how much I’ve shared with friends, how many friends I’ve made, or how bridges were built because of this.  Well, when we were leaving he made a joke about the Mariah Carey concert and I was all.. nah, I like Mariah Carey too lol.  I appreciate her music and skill, and then made some You Don’t Mess With The Zohan jokes but he hadn’t seen that Adam Sandler movie so oh well.

And I mean the conversation continued to flow, just not through music.  And we talked about each other’s professional and educational backgrounds and when I started talking tech he didn’t really contribute other than to acknowledge and make a couple jokes.  We ended up sitting in his car for a while chatting and I invited him up for coffee so we could continue and get out of the cold.  We talked about some random stuff, upbringing, religion, he grew up in SF, me and Phoenix.  He pointed to his lip at one point and asked me if it ever got in the way referencing my lip piercing and I was like no, and he was all not even eating, or drinking?  So I grabbed my coffee cup and took a drink, then tried clinking my piercing with it and it took effort.  I almost asked him if he wanted to test it out but didn’t feel like saying it… which looking back is very unlike me.  Something was still missing that I couldn’t place.  He’s good looking, intelligent, driven, available, converses well, and has a nice personality so I wasn’t sure if I was just being a butt as Anne would call it or if it’s because he was different from everyone else before.  Different isn’t bad, I don’t have to be with someone in tech or someone who is a musician but this was kind of getting ahead of myself anyway.  Who knows, we could end up being friends but there was no way I could seriously date him, and I knew this, and he was kneeling on my floor while I was curled up in my office chair and he kissed me, so I randomly asked if my piercing got in the way and he laughed and said no and we hooked up, and it started out alright but it was almost 2am and with out schedules we were both exhausted and not going to orgasm, and I know the first time with a new partner can be awkward sometimes, and I also didn’t realize how run down I was since it’s half a week later and I’m dying.  He was nice about everything and joked we should do a lunch date next time so it’s earlier in the day and we’re not so tired.  I was relieved about his comment and perplexed (at myself).  Thankfully he left shortly after so I didn’t have to kick him out, and then I just crashed out for the night.  But what’s perplexing is I’ve been sleep deprived, exhausted, and even sick, and have still found some energy reserve to have great sex before.  It just didn’t happen this time.

I’m on a weird 50/50 split on how I’d feel if he ghosted me, like part of me wouldn’t care and the other half is like look at me, how could anyone ever ghost me?  And… I can talk to almost anyone about many things, but the tech and music… tech and music are kind of my things here.. which is why I guess I always somehow ended up with guys in tech even though the chef was an exception, and he was still part of the Defcon crowd and had music.  I spoke to my girl friend at work about it the next day and she said it sounded like he lacked passion, and I was all yes!!! Omg yes.  She nailed it, that’s exactly what I was trying to find and couldn’t and didn’t know how to word it.  And we agreed that you don’t have to like all the same things but it’s important to be passionate about something in in your life.  And she said she noticed most people who tend to not care about music, tend to not be passionate.  I mentioned how the sex wasn’t bad but wasn’t anything super mind blowing either and that probably translated into the lack of passion thing, and I mentioned how I kind of got the sense that some people have huge dicks and think they don’t have to really put any skill into it and she was all ohhh yeah no, and I said if I wanted something mechanical I could go out and buy it, but if I want to participate with someone I need more.. and I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt since I already said first time can be weird and she was all yeah, and I said it’s because of that, that I might be willing to give him another shot and she said that was nice of me to consider it, and then I elaborated I might give him another shot in bed and maybe develop a friendship, but I’d never be able to actually date him.  I’d have to be able to see what drives him.  The fact that I couldn’t catch that is already off-putting.  There is no spark between us.  There is no fire.  Which is really funny that he asked me what my sign was and I threw out dragon because we were in Chinatown, and I knew what he meant, and in my head I’m thinking seriously? Cause atheist.  But I answered Aries, and he’s Leo.  Oh yeah, he matches Leo personality. *sarcasm* We have two fire signs here, lol. We texted a couple days later and the conversation died after that.  We’re both stupid busy anyway, and I don’t feel like I’m losing anything.

But yeah, my girl friend and I agreed most people in our industry are passionate about tech too, we’re not apathetic about it.  I was at the Orgy PM5K show with her and her bf, and he called the show “life affirming” and she agreed.  I agreed, it was absolutely amazing.  And it doesn’t matter what it is, but we need to be around people who can joyfully share those life affirming moments with us, and who want to discuss the things they’re passionate about.  I jokingly asked her if I was asking for too much because I’d like to find a tall, handsome man who is in tech and who loves music and who is passionate, she was like no you’re in Seattle, like it’s reasonable. lol.  I said I couldn’t claim a Seattle celibacy streak anymore and she was like that’s great but I was all meh.  I hadn’t been with anyone since I was in Scottsdale last September, not that I’m counting or anything.  I learned how to get over a lack of interaction in LV years ago, and it takes a lot just for me to.. someone has to hit a few marks before I will ever sleep with them, so this doesn’t happen often.  We’re not even talking about foundation building yet, no one has come close in years.  Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time but I’m tired of doing nothing.  And it’s not a complete loss, I learned more about what I needed by seeing what was missing.  Generally I won’t do something or invest in anything or anyone unless my heart is in it.  I guess that’s not a bad thing, sometimes it’s just annoying.  My inner hedonist is conflicted, or what I want has changed over the years and I have some screwed up idea that I can abstain from instant gratification for something better.  That almost sounds too close to the “logic’ theology likes to use.  But I can’t be anywhere where there’s no passion.  Idk what I’m doing, it’s 2am and I’m thinking in circles again.  I’m just moving forward.

I hate uneven breathing

Omg I can’t breathe out of my right nostril right now and it’s one of the most annoying things ever.  I was up all last night coughing and didn’t get much sleep but at least stopped coughing in the day time so I went to work.. until I tried to eat and got super nauseated so I just went home and went back to bed. And then I’d wake up if I slept in my side and one of my arms was asleep or if I was on my back and then I’d wake up coughing with an irritated burning throat.  I’ve been sick off and on four times since moving here, and everyone keeps saying that happens when you move somewhere new.  So that plus winter time, but new office germs… I’m over it.

I had a string of strange dreams I couldn’t remember today except in one it was a sex dream with B.  I told him about it and he said “oh my” then hoped it didn’t weird me out and I was all nah, I mean it differs per the dreamer, the subject, and other stuff.  I woke up like oh hey I should say hi to B. lol.  And he mentioned how dream him gets an absurd amount of more action than he does irk and I was all saaaame. I can’t even breathe evenly right now so whatever.  *throws hands in air*

Falling to hell

I was up all night coughing and have a headache.  But I do remember a bit of the dream where I was going up these concrete stairs outside and was way up high following Neve’s character Bonnie from The Craft and then decided to go back down after making a scene.  We were going down stairs then were ok this slide with a bunch of people standing on platforms off to the side watching us and screaming and cheering.  I was holding her as we both went down and it seemed like we’d slow down like it was almost over and then it would pick up again.  Then the four of us we’re dressed in black and white clothing walking through the hall way out of the casino floor at Mandalay and saw our order was wrong in a reflection and switched so we were standing in the right spot. Then it switched back to The slide and then it was Bonnie or Nancy I can’t remember. And we were falling out of the sky but the clouds and ground were didfeeent and it was dark and stormy so I knew there was an atmosphere.  We held hands as we fell and as she panicked I tried to get her to spread out with me to slow our descent, mentioning we could still breathe so I knew there was oxygen. Neither of us said it but I thought we were falling to hell.

There were other bits of dream where I was wondering some research area and kn differnr cages / bins were different animals and a pond. There were some that were creepy and unidentifiable and then there were some adorable bunnies.  I had to get back into one area I couldn’t pass without someone badging me in and was being shy about asking cause I couldn’t think of a justification to go back in at the time.  Then I was sitting on a couch and noticed I busted three nails, then noticed there was a sign on the wall someone printed in reference to a child’s behavior that was being banned (forgot what it was) but Trev explained the story and the kid behind it. Then she was sitting on the couch playing video games and I rested my head on her shoulder so she played with my hair for a minute and petted me until I realized I should go because I was getting tired. She said I was too sleepy and should stay the night, and the. I mentioned work in the morning and she said so, so I thought of just showing up in the clothes I was wearing, they were all black anyway. And on the wall a few tvs were set up together to make a large screen and an old BoA music video was playing.. super random.

Then I was in a large house and Sean was standing in the living room talking about how he wasn’t supposed to work for a while, his nose was broken and he had a huge bump on the bridge and it was super red and a little bruised.  He then mentioned he had the Renaissance Fair in the morning and continued to work on something on his bench so I wandered off.  The house was dim and the lady who owned it was kind of mean and I wanted to avoid her but I was there cause B was renting there, and he told me to stay cause I was falling asleep and couldn’t drive like this, so I decided to go find him and went up the stairs and to the left where I heard a tv, and it was her children eating ice cream in front of the tv so o quickly went the other way before they saw me and I heard them assume it was their mom or someone else. Then I found a large guest room with B’s stuff and decided to sit on his bed and plug in my phone.  I knew he was being a bit minimal before moving into his own place and I thought the room was bigger than mine in my apartment when I realized the bed was a full and he’s 6’6″ so that’s gotta be a pain in the ass to deal with for any period of time, but how is this gonna work when there’s an Asian chick taking up some of the space too? I mean I knew he wouldn’t mind sharing and I like cuddling so I was all whatevs.    There was some security debate I was listening to and then a friend was responding to the thread but it was all audio and then B came in and made a comment that whoever was agreeing with the article wasn’t thinking critically or something. And I was like well this is my friend I used to know at a previous company who know works at MS, whose online commenting, and I woke up.

Heathen Is A Personal Taboo

I know he hasn’t gone by Heathen in yeeeears.  Also can’t believe I’ve known him since I was 16, and man I’m having ethical conflicts from a goddamn dream, and I’m questioning past decisions.  Even though I know I made some bad moves out of circumstances, the ones I abstained from were still correct.  I mean is he one of my best friend’s ex fiances, and I don’t care how many years have passed, you don’t go there.

In the dream I woke up from, I was laying on a chair on front of his computer but it was more like a recliner, and there was a cute tiny cat curled up behind me that eventually snuggled up in my arm.  A screensaver eventually started cycling through material and it was late so I was passing out.  Apparently I’m still exhausted when dreaming.  I was going in and out of consciousness and then woke up in blankets on the floor, I guess I was carried since I fell asleep and didn’t really think anything of it until I realized someone was behind me and it was Heathen.  He must have noticed I’d woken up and started moving around so he put his arm around me and it felt nice, and then the mental conflict started and I thought wait… this is off.  I started remembering he’s married, and I know they don’t have a traditional marriage but I wasn’t sure what their ground rules were and got nervous.  I didn’t want to be accused of anything so I remained quiet, and as still as possible.  But he knew how to make me twitch, it was like instinct, it was alarming but I didn’t want him to stop.  He slipped his fingers between my legs and holy hell it was everything I wanted at that moment.  He stopped and got up to check on something and I kept tossing around and couldn’t get comfortable or really sleep… in a freaking dream.. so I got up and went to the bathroom just so I could be alone and collect myself but couldn’t and felt like blacking out for a minute.  I went back to lay down and had some dream about some Simpsons episode that doesn’t exist, and woke up to see it was morning and the sun was peeking through the windows.  He was on his back and had his arm around me and it was calm.. and I wondered about all the drama and asked myself when did we reconcile everything?  How did we get to this point?  I remember him and his wife disclosing conversations they had about inviting me into their bedroom at one point.  And.. I mean now I have history with his brother- I don’t even want to think about the one night stand that wouldn’t go away ever.  So I was like fuck it and put my arm around him and snuggled to go back to sleep and he squeezed me close.

The whole thing was just so weird, and even in the dream I gave up trying to figure out what was going on and just wanted to sleep.  I’ve been perpetually tired irl, woke up exhausted despite going to bed at a decent hour, and am painfully sex deprived.. pseudo by choice.  I wish I could get an offer I could reciprocate.  I’ve had to shoot down everyone so far because the interest isn’t there from these individuals.  I like how this dream post just spiraled into venting *sarcasm*.  But seriously, in the dream he was more like the nice caring Heathen I knew for years before I learned about all of the baggage and how bad he was.  He’s a very attractive man who is a terrible person.  I want to believe he’s actually a good person who made some terrible choices in recent years but the way he treated my friend confirms he’s just bad and she dodged a bullet.  I can tell she still thinks he’s the one who got away, and I wish she could accept the truth since more than one person who spent a lot of time with him was able to confirm the same things that came out of his mouth.  I almost wanted to try a reconciliation because I’ve had time and distance to see what went wrong and where I was wrong on my side.  I know I was being reactive to what was going on around me but I can still own my personal actions.  His brother is worse, he uses anyone, displaces blame, has a strong martyr complex, twists contexts behind events to skew perception, and he does it to his own family.  I didn’t realize that until after.  Heathen and his wife still did some terrible things, and still did some things that didn’t sit well with me ethically.. but who am I to talk about ethics anymore?  And how much of that was personal observation versus his brother’s input.  We have not spoken or had any contact in years, and it will stay that way.  It’s better that way.

11:11PM

After being super depressed and not eating properly (inconsistently) for a week I forced myself to go downstairs to the wine bar next door and eat a proper meal. They have this lentil salad with apple and vinaigrette and this fish in parchment paper that was hella tasty, and then I killed three glasses of wine.. but that last one was a dessert wine to go with the cute little Madeline cake cookie thing.  So after a shitty day I can’t complain. And I only had to be outside for two minutes at most.

When I got in I was just thinking how nice it would be if there was a gorgeous man on my couch for me to get on top of and enjoy for a while.

But one can dream. *sigh*

The Interview: USA edition?

I was outside in a grassy area looking at these huge trees trying to figure out where to transplant a rose bush with pink roses on them. It was like I owned the property, or family did really, cause I didn’t have the full authority and was arguing with someone over it, but he wasn’t my dad. Was he like a regent or something? Was this my land and was I in a line of succession but couldn’t actually own my land cause I was a woman? I can’t remember the association here. Then I was sitting up in this really tall bed that was modified as a vehicle and was going down the street somewhere and looked to my left to see marathon runners a ways off coming up a side street, and stopped at a light and Fuschia was in front of me on a motorcycle and I almost mistook her for Nicola for a sec, then we spoke for a minute while the light was still red.

Anyway,I was standing somewhere else that seemed far away, it was some property constructed like a Tuscan villa except it was somewhere in California and I was there with two women who were apparently my girl friends. We were inside and Trump was there, except it was the Alec Baldwin Trump though and the two friends I was with walked out to the courtyard and Balwdin pulled me aside and I got very apprehensive until he said he didn’t want to go face the public before he’d had a cocktail, so I asked him if he wanted me to go find one of the waitstaff and he said yeah and I was all alright. We were sitting on a bed talking like he was trying to have a heart to heart, and I tried to get up quickly and rolled, then got my foot caught on the fancy bed frame.. then I got up, put my shoes on, and ran out the door looking for the friends from earlier. They’d wondered why I took so long getting out and started asking questions like am I okay? Did something happen? And I was all nah, and told him about the request and they rolled their eyes and wanted to go to the thing, whatever the thing we were going to was, and I told him I would grab someone to get him a cocktail and I don’t want to lie so we gotta go back inside and they reluctantly followed me back in. We found a server who went to get drinks and Baldwin wandered off. The girls decided to take off and I followed behind after putting my shoes back on.. again. I was trying to pick which pair I wanted to go out in and wore these black open toed ankle boots with spikes on them (open toed boots are not my style at all) and went looking for my friends and one was standing by the fountain explaining she didn’t want to wear the shoes she had on to some red carpet thing we were invited to. I guess Baldwin had invited us to accompany his group at some red carpet event in Hollywood and wanted more attractive women to be in that group. So I asked her if she wore a size 7 and she said yeah, and I brought her inside to try on my shoes while I went through the clothes I packed and handed her a dress.. then said just run through and see if there’s anything you like. I was eyeing this black and white Anne Klein split wrap (that I have irl) but decided it wasn’t fancy enough for red carpet, tried a black dress with a short hem and was looking in the mirror deciding even if it’s okay in this lighting it’ll be different outside on the red carpet and people are assholes and they’ll give me shit for my thighs touching and probably go off on cellulite and I’m all dude… everyone has it, it’s not a big deal, fuck it. And put on this green dress and after zipping it up I was hella cute! Like my hair was longer and curled and my makeup was done all light and pink like they do with Korean makeup trends and the dress was flowy. Then I went outside and it was dark out, and my friend was talking with a group of people and idk what happened to the other girl, but I heard something weird and asked if it was a seagull and she threw a rock at a bush nearby and it flew away. Then I woke up on the couch next to my friend Lindsay and SNL was on the TV and Baldwin was on screen giving a speech in front of some presidential backdrop. And my ex was laying on the other couch in a cast with a broken ankle (he’d broken it before we met irl) and I was kind of thrown off how there wasn’t an insta-fight and then wasn’t sure if I was at his place or Lindsay’s and suddenly remembered my own apartment and decided to go home. Then there was some bit about ordering a collector’s Star Wars lego set and some other Star Wars items from a Toys R Us catalog and Jr walking up to see what I was getting, then asking if he could crash on my couch or get a ride or whatever and I was all sure, and then I woke up. >_>

The sensitivity and needing a drink and being all invitive really reminded me of the movie The Interview with Seth Rogan and James Franco.

28 going on 17

Why am I crying at 11:43PM? I guess cause I’m ridiculously exhausted emotionally/mentally/physically pick your favorite context, whatever. I picked up where I left off with Buffy and have been watching back and forth with Angel. I never watched Angel when it was running and missed the bits where the two played off each other, and got to the episode where he becomes human and Buffy is eating cookie dough ice cream and talking about peanut butter and chocolate in bed with him and I’m going omfg and you already know it’s not going to last but you can’t not take that opportunity because there it is… and then he had to give it back, and fuck that! And then he’s the only one who’ll remember it and I can’t tell if it’s worse to remember or worse to forget? That heartbreak. That felt like July. Or was it June? A lot of last year bled together.

Ugh, and I’m all sleep deprived and PMS-y and I can’t even. I finally got some sleep last night after the whole thing with floof over the weekend and it wasn’t enough. My body decided to go into maintenance mode, it was so hard to wake up and go to work today, I kept hitting snooze.. which is bad.. and kept falling right back into rem… which is also bad. Why can’t my body decide to catch up on sleep on the weekends? And I feel so shitty about everything that happened with floof and I’m glad he’s with a better foster, but I’m so sad about everything.

Trying to date fucking sucks, trying to adopt a dog fucking sucks, and being alone in a new city fucking sucks. Being alone in general fucking sucks, but I don’t have it in me to change that.

Was I cursed or something?

Sushi?

What a freaking mess of a dream. I was somewhere in Arizona talking to Kat V about some restaurants to check out either while I was in town or omw out and she’d mentioned cross roads so I was trying to remember them cause it’d been a while. Like one was Peoria and something, and I knew them… I was just slow. This was during night time and it was dusty out so idk if I was on some developing area or if this was post dust storm / pre rain.

I was sitting at a table in what I’m guessing was a friend’s house and we had wine and a couple mats on the table from what looked like some kind of game with plastic dinosaurs and we were trying to figure out how it worked and if it was like some battleship kind of thing but then realized they represented other things like different parts of infrastructure (buildings) and then certain figures (like one was the mayor). We were kind of over it and you came by to see what we were up to and I was going to offer you wine… and then I noticed it was spilled on the table. >_< I was in some smaller college auditorium : classroom and there was already stuff on the chalkboard but it was a dry erase board, and I was asked to write the next class title on the board so I erased the bit with the current info off and kept trying but wasn't happy with my handwriting, I just wanted to say my font. Lol. You were in the back talking to the guy at his desk. I kept grabbing other boards, got distracted and did other stuff, looked over to the other side of the room and saw a few mannequins dressed in various goth attire that apparently I'd outfitted previously, and then noticed a door and window between everything like it was a store front inside all this and there was a dude that came out who I guess was the owner and he told him to go look at the mannequins and he was all nah andnwent back inside.. the merchandise looked like the stuff inside the gay clothing store in Phoenix with the goth and fetish stuff sprinkled around it. And I went back to trying to deal with the board and there were peeps sitting in chairs behind me and I guess they might have been students? And then I was at some restaurant talking to someone who walked away and then these two chicks walked in wanting sushi and sake and I was left alone so I was all... alright I guess I can help. And was gonna seat them and grab menus but they seated themselves and already said what they wanted so I was all okay and was derping around the kitchen trying to find what sushi there was and they were out so I was all... and this lady came in who worked there and she told me to go buy fish and I was all like what am I supposed to do?! In Korean and she was all okay so go to the Korean store and buy tuna and I was all okay... and was walking through the lot and woke up. ._.

B

Me: Just had the craziest dream with a bunch of stuff going on but at one point we were making out.
Also just woke up from a nap.
Also hi. XD

B: Haha