Rewatching Buffy all the way through and in order (finally), makes me think of my 16 year old self and my angst from then and how trivial things were, but how a lot of it was curiosity and worry for the future. It made me hope I’d be pretty at 22 and 23, it made me really really hope I’d be pretty 10 years later at 26. Like I knew I was cute then, but wasn’t sure how this would go. I kind of hoped I’d just look like a 26 year old version of where I already was, but could fit more than just cute. I wanted to be what I already was, but more. I wanted to be desirable. I was afraid of legitimately being forever alone. I mean sometimes I do that now too but I think a lot of people do that. I got pissed off in high school cause my ex called someone else foxy and I was only ever cute. So dumb. I started going out and was getting called hot. That made me feel awkward af. Because I was always defaulted to cute with all of my exes, with my friends. Then a few years later I was called beautiful and gorgeous, and still don’t know how to properly take a complement but it’s okay cause this time I believed it and it was nice. And I quit hating being called cute again.
And my priorities were mostly alright then since I was so focused on academics, and was aggravated and didn’t know what I wanted to do after college, or where I wanted to live, I was worried I would never figure it out or be smart enough when it really really mattered. But this isn’t too bad, and I never would have guessed where I ended up.
Idk why I remembered the first time Jay told me he loved me when he was sitting in my computer chair in my room one night trying to calm me down because we dated for the summer and I was getting anxious, and I guess some mutual friends mentioned to him I’d been stressed out so he grabbed my hands, pulled me close, and explained he was slow and cautious about making big changes, but assured me he did love me. And I got super emotional and he was all don’t cry and I couldn’t help it. And he asked me to be patient with him while he got used to opening that part of himself up again. I was so happy, he moved in shortly after that, he’d been over most days over the summer anyway. I had no idea it was a trap. You 21 year old foolish girl. I’ll probably say this again in 10 years. *sigh*
And I’m aggravated with my dreams playing mean tricks on me lately, making me deal with people I don’t want to see, in places I don’t want to be in. Or seeing people I miss but in bad circumstances. Maybe my mind is trying to make me remember how things that were once normal and comfortable are now foreign and cold. Those dreams bother me cause those situations already played out and I already got over it, so they always feel out of place and weird, and this dream in a dream thing is bad too. But it’s been a reminder that there were people I couldn’t have imagined not having in my life, who were removed for various reasons, and it hurt and took some adjusting, but I made it. There are people I used to see everyday that I haven’t seen in years, it would have seemed like such a big loss back then, but it wasn’t. I feel so physically deprived of closeness and intimacy, I feel like I’m emotionally withdrawing from opiates, and that kind of depression and emptiness physically hurts too. And I know it’s being exasperated by the insomnia and bad sleep schedule.. that’s making this worse. And I know that’s from burning through projects like the housing lists I have for Seattle and other things. I’m trying to establish some kind of routine with all the new stuff. *head desk*