Monthly Archives: October 2016

Roo’s Dream

Dreamed of an adorable yet strangely mature 3-eyed little boy who loved Skinny Puppy. Couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6 years old. I met him when I was trying to break into a little white prairie church for refuge from some bad people. Inside the church was… something not church-like though. I can’t remember. Portals or machinery or a secret base or something and I was seeking temporary safety and answers/clues while on a recon mission. The kid was also doing reconnaissance, dropped off by his big brother, and he was hunting me at first because he noticed me while patrolling the perimeter, and I didn’t know his intentions so I ran, which turned into a weird game of armed hide and seek, then he caught up to me, and we realized we had the same enemies and interests so we decided to be friends. He gave me a high five for liking Skinny Puppy and he laughed; all three of his eyes were beautiful clear blue and he had long adorable eyelashes. He didn’t look strange to me at all, though I could see he wasn’t “normal”.
I have been having crazy jam packed plot-filled dreams full of family and friends and being on a mission or escape or problem solving, but as soon as I wake up it all fades so fast I can’t even define it long enough to write it all down. I feel like my subconscious is working very hard on a puzzle or something and reaching out to/checking up on lots of people.

Regional fear

This morning you were in my dream.  Someone was interviewing me on the radio and you were responsible for it.. it was your fault lol. I can’t remember if you were going on air after or not.  But I remember you saying San Mateo feared you, and that wasn’t referencing any one office or party, that implied the entire region. And I guess some peeps were bending over backwards to complete tasks you’d requested so they wouldn’t die.. or something. It was very nonchalant and weird.  But I guess you were still being nice and considerate to me and my endeavors so I might have been benefiting from this tyranny and didn’t give it another thought past thinking things were a little odd.  Also weird. ._.

I don’t remember much else other than being at a Taco Bell drive through with Shaun and another friend getting those 12 packs of tacos that come in the boxes so we could bring them back to Defcon, which is appropriate since they had those at a dc party at Defcon 23.

Also, I know I’m smol but dream you seemed extra taller for some reason.

Mar’s Nightmare

Nightmares are fun.
I dreamt I was trapped in a haunted house because all of my companions thought it was cool and I for some reason wouldn’t leave them. I just constantly tried to get them to leave with me. When night came the doors slammed shut and people started dying.
For those of you who were in my dream WTF WHY YOU DO THIS?!?

7:03AM

This is the second day in a row I’ve woken up at 5am for no reason.  A friend in Phoenix posted an article from The Wall Street Journal about Arcosanti and it reminded me of SLC and our walk back to the Hyatt and stopping at the ginkgo tree.

The piece was written a few days ago and was titled The Dying Dream of Arcosanti.. brutal.  But I’m kind of surprised to see a recent article on it since nothing’s really changed, and in wsj too, weird. I want an Arcosanti bell to hang on a tree outside. It’s obscure and weird and maybe it’s just an AZ thing.  Those bells are hella expensive online and idk if that’s due to their age at production, or if they’re no longer being made and aren’t available on site.  I’d like to go on site and see for myself, but idk if I’ll ever visit that state again (I don’t have business there anymore), even if I have friends there I am moving the furthest away from it I’ve ever been.  I kind of regret never visiting the site (because I’ve always been curious whenever I’ve driven past the sign on the freeway) but I was nervous about going by myself.  When I read up on what it was my brain played some messed up sci-fi Logan’s Run / The Island dystopian setting where I’d be trapped and couldn’t return to real society.  My brain probably took that way too far but the place is detached and I wasn’t sure how I’d do there on my own, especially overnight.  I wish I’d coordinated a group thing with friends years ago to go look at it together.

The Darker Days remix of It Generates by Iris is stuck in my head.

I should try to sleep a little more.

Dystopian societies still have assholes

I was in some large office and was given keys to some suite.  It was huge and had two beds, I opened the floor the ceiling curtains and saw the majority of two walls were windows.  I was in the back seat of a car with some people driving around town and it was dark out and cold.  All of the shop signs were weird and seemed like the streets we passed were themed.  Then we stopped on the curb almost hitting something and I said to scoot over cause I’d drive, and got out, then got into a verbal conflict with the driver because he wanted to go elsewhere.  I told him he had two options, move and let me drive since this entire group and I wanted to go to the original destination, and after we get there he could take the vehicle, or he could get out and find another one.  There was a lot of noise and the cops blew through with these large scifi like tanks and other stuff shooting anyone who was standing out in the open on the street.   I ducked under the car by the tire.

We ended up at this house and I was sitting on the couch talking to Mel A. about her son’s toys and how she’d organized them in different corners of the room to designate spaces.  I heard my car alarm go off and got up to go deal with it, there was a cute little dog running around by my feet so I picked it up and gave it attention for a minute since it wasn’t supposed to go outside.  While standing in the hall Garrett walked inside and wouldn’t acknowledge me so I looked away.  There was an elderly lady watching and she made a comment about me not greeting him, then he made one of those “some people” comments at me and I said he wasn’t going to address me so I responded in kind and he made some other comment on how I would have needed to register something happening for something else to count, like he was trying to come off as super intellectual but was making no sense when you try to actually figure it out.  So I was standing outside in the dark and checking to make sure the car was okay.  I heard cars speeding through and then we saw sirens and fell to the ground to avoid the shooting until the tanks left.

12:47AM

Idk why you’re sad.  I don’t know why you’re sad and want to be left alone, or why you were on the phone or who you were talking to or why.  I don’t ask even though I am curious because I know you usually prefer to not discuss these things.  Idk why you make things out to be alright on Instagram when I know you’re not okay.  I left you alone today… or yesterday now that it’s past midnight.  I tried to have a good day and distract myself, and give LA another shot.

I realized I’m happier exploring a city when the sun is still out, on my own time on my terms, alone or with friends. I enjoyed the goth scene a few years ago and met some great people, but I’ve collected the good and sifted out the bad.  It’s time to re-evaluate my expectations.  Idk if it was really great at that particular time in my life and I got lucky, or if nostalgia was blinding me.  My issues weren’t specific to this particular city, I mean LA has some issues but it has its good sides too,  and I found some of them today.

I’m rambling this wine drunk from Hollywood.  I’m an emotional wreck now that I’m alone again after running around all day.  I skipped the second night of the music fest for an observatory and a comedy club, which was worth it imo. And I’ll probably go back to the event that brought me here tomorrow cause I care more about the Sunday line up than tonight’s. But nothing’s set in stone, I want to drive up the coast and see the water, or go to little Tokyo, a friend has a shopping request so I’m sure I’ll get there at some point before I leave.  But I won’t worry about it and will decide tomorrow.

7:34AM

Idk why last night I was thinking about that one time I was driving mom home and she tried to comfort me by implying at one point I thought I was going to marry Jay and dodged a bullet. What she didn’t understand was he and I had been together for so long that I felt like it was just going to happen, and that I was settling… and was still never willing to make plans or pick a date.  This time was different, this time I wasn’t settling.  Giving up feels like I did.

Sad dreams

Buffy was writing in a large diary because it made her feel more connected to Angel, like what she was writing was somehow getting to him even though he was dead and there was no way for him to read it.  It was black leather with gold trim and had an Art Deco design on the cover. It was thick and many pages had already filled out.  There were sketches on the sides of the book and she started writing in her own blood using her index finger because she’d become obsessed and dependent on the comfort it gave her.  I guess she couldn’t find anything to write with and pricked her finger.  The book had appeared out of nowhere but really came from Spike so he could read what she was journaling and somehow mess with her.  Buffy’s mom came down the stairs so Cordelia grabbed the book and slammed it shut- and that’s the morning alarm to wake up.

I’m not ready for today.

1:37AM – long overdue

I’ve been feeling pretty uncertain about how this was going to end up, there are a few things I’ve wanted to write out of my system for a while but felt the timing was off, or I was too distracted, or was too mentally exhausted and chaotic to give it a fair attempt.  Instead of clarity I expected word loops and chaos.  I wanted to respond to the thing on obligations, I wanted to piece together the mess that was Scottsdale (my internal mess), and some other stuff.. and I waited.  I’ve had a month to process, and ignore, then process a little bit more, then ignore again.  I guess I wanted to see what would stick or what I’d still be fighting myself with over since I started making those adjustments.  They don’t look that different on the surface even if the perspectives have shifted.  We are stuck in habits, we find comfort in established patterns, even the ones that harm us in the long run.  When I couldn’t focus on one task and got overwhelmed I buried myself in something else.  I burnt through homework until I broke something there and got the resume thing done I avoided for the last two weeks.  I still haven’t been able to study (nothing is clicking) so I try addressing something else that’s been on the back burner, and that isn’t happening so I wound up back here on this page.  I haven’t felt this overwhelmed in a long time.  This particular holding pattern is bad.  Maybe getting on the plane will help, maybe it’ll compound these anxieties.

 

Obligations:

I can admit the first time I read through I probably took it the wrong way than what you meant out of self preservation, that might not be the right way to put it.  Self defense?  I know what obligation is, my life is ruled by it, it always has been.  I always (half) joke around about not wanting to deal with obligations but I will always fulfill any commitments I make to the best of my ability.  I had to read it again, and then a third time.  So what I understood was your prior obligation being upheld to your mother, that was never questioned.  And I also get you needed to focus on her while she was in your company,  I was just trying to figure out what was going on in a couple texts.  What I didn’t understand, was your obligation to me.  I’ve learned over time that I have to word things just right with you to get the information I’m requesting, and even then I’m only successful part of the time. Because you were not receptive to me over text, I thought you were rescinding your invitation for me to come back.  I did not realize you considered that arrangement to be an obligation, so I didn’t know it was still an option for me.  And I was going to try and make an attempt to push through the night but I did need to own up and rest.  I hope you understand that you were not obligated to let me sleep when I already offered to take you to the airport.  Sleeping in did help, but I didn’t mind getting up and seeing you off.  I could have come back after.  It’s not even a big deal now.  I guess some rules can have exceptions if people are willing to specify them.  I don’t sleep much already, my patterns are very inconsistent, so I guess that might play partially into why I never minded you waking me up.  Or our time was always so limited, I felt I could sleep later when you weren’t around.  But that’s just on my side, just because I’m okay being woken up doesn’t mean I want to wake you up at 3am because I want attention.  I mean I’ve woken up at 3am wanting attention but didn’t act on it.  I want you to sleep, you’ve probably been ill half the times we’ve seen each other in the last year because life has been running you into the ground for so long.  So I wanted you to rest, and I wanted to provide a calm and comfortable setting for you, I think I’ve even said something like this before.  I’m going on a tangent regarding obligation.  Once I got my head out of my ass and stopped making it about how I perceive things, I had a better understanding of your side.

Down the rabbit hole:

I think I’ve mentioned previously how I’m partial to a specific substance for fun, and tend to avoid another because it’s difficult.  And it’s not only difficult because it’s physically uncomfortable, but it’s hard because it forces you to address major issues in your life whether you’re ready or not, whether you’ve even admitted to their existence or not.  I’ve been aware of these issues and haven’t been able to come up with a satisfactory answer which is why after all the jerking back and forth I decided I wanted to let it cycle out over time.  Instead of fighting for any outcome, just let it play out and accept it, whatever it is.  So while staying the night with friends and enjoying food and random videos off the internets, my friends shared the substance I associate with fun that they had procured earlier.  It’s literally been years, which is what I kept reminding myself when I felt excessively heavy and stuck to the couch, when I felt off, when my mind started to wander in directions I wanted to ignore.  We watched adult swim, we got into conversational loops about poor Steven (god I still need to tie that conversation up), and for the first time I experienced food in this state.  I’ve been too scared to eat previously, or had never thought about it.  I stick to water and I’m good.  But they brought out peanut butter, and that was the best fucking creamy peanut butter ever.  And they had some cookie dough spread?  I forgot.  But I distinctly remember asking if they’d tried the stuff before while they were sober and they said no, and I was all okay are we trying this again later while sober to compare?  That conversation never concluded either.  Eventually they retired to bed sometime early in the morning and I was alone in the living room letting Netflix roll through Glitter Force.  I don’t know how many episodes I saw, I still don’t know what that’s about, but I know I hate the dub voice acting.  I feel like they’re trying to rip off Magic Knight Rayearth’s aesthetic too.

 

Hard lessons:

I was slowly and steadily going in this direction, but once I was alone that substance shifted gears and filled in as a substitute for the other item I’d been avoiding.  As an atheist it’s probably the closest I will ever get to as a shamanistic experience. I wasn’t ready to subject my brain to relentlessly fight through this puzzle, and I’m glad I at least got partially through the mental work before this point.  I cried so much, I ugly cried, and it was quiet and painful and bitter and cathartic.  My eyes were so red I thought I legitimately ruptured a blood vessel in my eye.  I started writing to you intermittently in a notepad on my phone, it’s a lot of nonsense that makes no sense and perfect sense at the same time.  It’s an unfiltered stream of consciousness way too big to copy here… I’d considered dropping it into it’s own thing but I’ll just sound even more psychotic.  Somewhere in there I asked if you ended up listening to Michelle Branch all day after I dropped you off.  I trailed off and wrote to my sister a little bit (goth mom’s daughter) since no one has heard from her.  I tried distracting myself to finally start falling asleep by watching OUAT on my friend’s Netflix and they left off on season 1 episode 9, and then I wrote that these circumstances felt like season 1 episode 10.

Then Ram made a post online that seemed so normal for him but still so far out there I wondered what state of mind he was in, and I PM’d him making a comment about it.  Old problems that hadn’t been entirely resolved hurt my stomach when I reached out to him.  I privately wrote “to the person at 8:33AM, I have moved on.  I have no bad blood with you. I had my shared time with you, and I have nothing left to contribute here.  I wish you well.”  He never saw that.  But after a couple minutes of small talk I explained how he was one of very few whose actually seen me in this state, and how because the first substance was defaulting to the second, I was stuck in a loop and my brain was trying to solve problems.  He said he got the gestalt of it, though he was sure my loop was different from his and what he was working through.  Then he thanked me for altering him to the fact that he was becoming a shitty person before he became a way shittier person.  I told him I thought a lot of it was exacerbated due to the manipulation from a 3rd party neither of us associated with anymore, and that it was long enough ago that it’s a non issue, especially if he gained some insight from it.  I told him I felt like I finally made peace with him and had to go back to that puzzle to make peace with the man who currently held my heart.  And then he said he felt like he just let out a breath he’d been holding for 3 years.  And I felt the same.  We continued discussing insight and he said I was still in the top 10 smartest people he knew.  And I immediately said that was a lot of credit, too much credit.  And strangely a couple days prior another friend had said something similar.  Both of these friends who said these things, I hold in high regard, so it was very surreal for them to disclose how much they respected me in that way, and the timing was weird.  He called me out for impostor syndrome, funny enough the other friend who said I was one of the smartest people they knew also mentioned impostor syndrome.

I hadn’t had a heart-to-heart with Ram in years, and I thought it was funny that he was giving me credit for being smart when I was thanking him for giving me an example of when to put something on the back burner until the other party was willing to catch up on their own time, and only if it was ever worth it for them to inquire in the future.  Since this is kind of what happened here.  This come down was so hard and emotionally turbulent.  This was the longest experience I’d ever had and the usual tricks I used to sleep through the rocky bits at the end weren’t working.  I ended up chain smoking some of the medicine I had on me and instead of drifting off to sleep I had the opposite effect and took a couple steps further from reality.    I explained that I was coming to terms that even if I’m sad right now, it’s okay that I got to this point.  And if you don’t catch up to where I am, I can’t force it, because the “when” doesn’t matter.  If our timelines never line up in the end, it’s okay.  If you ever wanted to revisit the conversation with me I’d be open for discussion when you’re ready, but until then I have to archive that piece of my life.  I want you to succeed, I want you to pursue happiness no matter how long it takes you to figure it out, and whether I’m there or not.  I am selfish because I want you to do it in a timeline where we are still feasible.  That’s not how this works.  I’m so heartbroken you’re not going to get there until after I’m gone.  I just know that’s how this is going to work.  But what really matters here is you make it… not when.

I explained how I understood I couldn’t force you to make jumps you weren’t ready for, and how as much as I wanted to be your strength when you felt things weren’t possible, I was overstepping.  There are some things I can’t do on your behalf no matter how much I want to.  I explained how I’d told you that I thought you were the one, and that I would be honored to take your name.  I never said anything remotely like that to Jay, deep down I knew I couldn’t.  And Ram said “Wow. Yeah, that’s very unlike the you that you’ve built to stay safe.”  And I knew that it went against everything I’d safeguarded against since that damage, which is probably good, but it was so terrifying, because I love you that much.  He said he was super proud of me or finding the courage to go there.  I think this is more credit being given than is due again.  He said people only change in crisis, or when no one is watching.  You will do this when no one is watching.  I am selfish because I want you to get there with me in your life.  I want you to fight for us because I know the desire is there.  But my courage alone isn’t enough so this is where it goes on the back burner.  We talked about loops and how people break them or get trapped in them.  We talked about how I was caught up in a few years ago, and more recently, about how Jay is sadly at the point of no return even though I’d hoped he would have gotten better after me.  I understand that you are being held emotionally hostage, I understand her patterns, and I see yours too.  Your cogs are locked and it’s up to you to fix it, or you will be a prisoner of your own patterns even after she’s gone.  This was so easy to compare to Madoka, it’s like watching you turn into a witch and I want to stop you but I can’t because it’s your fight.  I am demon Homura, and I will do reckless and terrible things for love and I will suffer in the present while carefully wrapping and holding hope for a happy future safely in my heart.  I have that courage today.  He pointed out how I didn’t always have that back then, and he also mentioned how he felt like I’d been here before.  I had been, but on the other side, which is why this has looked so familiar and foreign at different times. You’re not ready to burn your world down even if it’s a dismal place, I know you feel like you don’t deserve better.  I know that you do love me, but you won’t be able to take steps towards me while you hate yourself.  That’s the part you’d have to let go of.  I can love you even if you’re holding on to this, but I know it’s not enough to sustain anything.

 

Loneliness:

This is a huge issue I have always struggled with and I know some of this is from having an isolated childhood, and because reasons.  Since I was a teenager, I hadn’t really been alone until I was 25, so I forced myself to remain single for a year, and celibacy happened, and a year passed and I was fine to remain alone.  I wanted to make sure that when I entered a relationship in the future, I would do it without motive, and I would do it for myself and that person, not because I was trying to fill some void.  I will never enter into a relationship just because I am lonely.  I’ve seen too many people chronically jump between relationships because they’re lonely and destroy themselves while destroying others.  I got used to the silence, the sting and panic eventually became a dull ache that was just there.  And I think this is what made me think I must be an extrovert, because I suffered chronic loneliness.  But then I learned ambivert was a thing and that felt more fitting.  I want to be around people I like more often, but I’ve grown very selective over who I choose to keep company with over the years. Social anxiety and large crowds are just as terrible as silence so loud you can’t even think.  I hate not having a routine with an office to break things up.  I spend more time in isolation now, and I don’t care for it but I’m starting to hate it less.

After I met you, the loneliness I took years to acclimate to became unbearable again.  That’s not entirely your fault.  I was usually sick for about a week after you’d leave.  I cried every time your plane took off.  I was miserable and wasn’t trying to advertise it, but wasn’t putting any effort into hiding it either.  I let myself go those weeks after, I just had no idea anyone else noticed.  The loneliness I always had and learned to manage, and the loneliness I had from your absence compounded and made both worse.  I couldn’t tell when one or the other was eating at me and just started assuming both.  I finally started separating the two and understanding when I was generally missing interactions.  There are some days like today where I felt like I’ve been severely deprived of physical touch, and I want that from you.  I wanted to send you a pic when my hair was being all floofy today, or the one I took for Halloween, I miss you and want to see you too.  I want to harass you for pictures of the conference, or for pictures of you, or for pictures of you at the conference.  At least in the last couple months I’ve been better at compartmentalizing when I’m sad because I need to see people and can manage it, or when I’m sad because I miss you and I can just allow it to roll through until it’s dulled a little, and hope it stays that way for a while bit before it picks up again.  This is so fucking long and I’m doing this as a one shot,  this is mentally trimmed down.. I can’t even type everything, and I don’t even want to know how bad the typos are but I’m not checking.  I’ve had this inside for a while, I just want to keep typing until I don’t feel anything anymore, or at least feel less.  Forcing myself to stay away from you is like Buffy trying to stay away from Angel.  And even when there’s silence, we can’t stop thinking about our Angel.  This is kinda funny because last week at a group sushi lunch we were discussing Joss Whedon’s works and when we jumped from Firefly to Buffy I said I was all about that Buffy + Angel life and when a friend was all oh yeah? I said yeah, the slayer falls in love with a vampire.  Story of my life.  Fuck.

9:26PM

Discussion with Anne over SATC, Russians, food, and dreams:

I just woke up from a nap, Josh was looking up pizza places and since I wasn’t responding cause I was just happy chillin and listening to the list of pizza places he switched to sushi, and then the dream switched where it’s like he was looking over the phone for me and it was weird and sad. There was other stuff too like wondering if I walked to the preselected place if he’d be there, like if he’d just snuck into town, but it wasn’t like that and I was getting disoriented. And then there were other peeps and me in some small bed like maybe a daybed playing ps1 on an old crt tv with people who I guess were friends and this large dog was there and was super excited to see us, and I saw Sahar when I was walking outside trying to figure out where to go and if I’d see him there.  I hate dreams.

It’s been bad lately and I want it to stop. I gave up irl, I keep losing him in dreams and I want it to shut up. It’s stupid and annoying.  My brains been ruthless and cruel lately. Like the more I let what’s happened settle in while awake the more it holds on and won’t let go when I’m unconscious.  Dream me won’t give up… and I need to be at peace with this so I can stop dreaming that I’m losing him.

I’ve been wanting pizza for days.  I would take Josh with that pizza, but I got a better shot at making pizza appear in my life.

Soft Mistakes

Rewatching Buffy all the way through and in order (finally), makes me think of my 16 year old self and my angst from then and how trivial things were, but how a lot of it was curiosity and worry for the future.   It made me hope I’d be pretty at 22 and 23, it made me really really hope I’d be pretty 10 years later at 26.  Like I knew I was cute then, but wasn’t sure how this would go.  I kind of hoped I’d just look like a 26 year old version of where I already was, but could fit more than just cute.  I wanted to be what I already was, but more. I wanted to be desirable.  I was afraid of legitimately being forever alone. I mean sometimes I do that now too but I think a lot of people do that.  I got pissed off in high school cause my ex called someone else foxy and I was only ever cute.  So dumb.  I started going out and was getting called hot.  That made me feel awkward af.  Because I was always defaulted to cute with all of my exes, with my friends.  Then a few years later I was called beautiful and gorgeous, and still don’t know how to properly take a complement but it’s okay cause this time I believed it and it was nice. And I quit hating being called cute again.

And my priorities were mostly alright then since I was so focused on academics, and was aggravated and didn’t know what I wanted to do after college, or where I wanted to live, I was worried I would never figure it out or be smart enough when it really really mattered.  But this isn’t too bad, and I never would have guessed where I ended up.

Idk why I remembered the first time Jay told me he loved me when he was sitting in my computer chair in my room one night trying to calm me down because we dated for the summer and I was getting anxious, and I guess some mutual friends mentioned to him I’d been stressed out so he grabbed my hands, pulled me close, and explained he was slow and cautious about making big changes,  but assured me he did love me.  And I got super emotional and he was all don’t cry and I couldn’t help it.  And he asked me to be patient with him while he got used to opening that part of himself up again.  I was so happy, he moved in shortly after that, he’d been over most days over the summer anyway.  I had no idea it was a trap.  You 21 year old foolish girl. I’ll probably say this again in 10 years. *sigh*

And I’m aggravated with my dreams playing mean tricks on me lately, making me deal with people I don’t want to see, in places I don’t want to be in.  Or seeing people I miss but in bad circumstances.  Maybe my mind is trying to make me remember how things that were once normal and comfortable are now foreign and cold.  Those dreams bother me cause those situations already played out and I already got over it, so they always feel out of place and weird, and this dream in a dream thing is bad too. But it’s been a reminder that there were people I couldn’t have imagined not having in my life, who were removed for various reasons, and it hurt and took some adjusting, but I made it.  There are people I used to see everyday that I haven’t seen in years, it would have seemed like such a big loss back then, but it wasn’t.  I feel so physically deprived of closeness and intimacy, I feel like I’m emotionally withdrawing from opiates, and that kind of depression and emptiness physically hurts too.  And I know it’s being exasperated by the insomnia and bad sleep schedule.. that’s making this worse. And I know that’s from burning through projects like the housing lists I have for Seattle and other things. I’m trying to establish some kind of routine with all the new stuff. *head desk*