Umm… I’ve been trying to figure a lot of stuff out for a while and I think giving up for a bit and dropping it to go hang out and not think about things probably helped more than anything. I feel like I have my own autonomy back (not like it was ever lost or surrendered) but I needed a reminder in how to exercise my freedom to act on things without thinking about any long term goals or about anyone other than myself. I had to remember how to establish different dynamics and build partnerships that worked for both individuals. I had to remember I get to choose who to spend time with and to make the effort to actually see them, and that I don’t have to see others if I didn’t want to. I needed to go from theory to practice and remember that denying myself of my own needs was it’s own form of self destruction even when I was lying to myself about my intent. I know self care is very important but society never makes time for it. I’m still learning, and still undoing society’s programming.
This wasn’t some repeat of 2012 where I opted out of a bad relationship and was fired from a company literally a week later. I didn’t spend a week drunk so I could swing from one extreme of panic to one of almost apathy.. it wasn’t apathy.. but it was the wrong execution, attempting to escape from reality, and that forced me to look at my priorities later. I was bordering on self destruction there. A lot of it was survival from outside factors, but I didn’t have the prior experience to deal with everything crashing down on me in that way yet.
It’s good this isn’t my first run, and this time is much better. I have more control in my life, I can moderately do things so they balance without sacrificing something. I never wanted to be a slave of obligation and societal expectations, or the lies I told myself. I had been so straight laced for so long I hadn’t realized I was sacrificing happiness for some ideal of some greater good in the future. I needed a week to dive back into my hedonist roots and reset, and the contrast over the last 5 years is good. It’s really good.
I probably look like I’ve been constantly changing my mind, like I don’t know what I’m doing, or what I want. My wants have always been consistent, but it takes a long time for me to adjust to circumstances when I am.. adjusting.. and not just running away or cutting things entirely out of my life. I might look like I’m trying to force myself into situations I can’t emotionally handle because I am tied to my desires and will continue killing myself every night I go to bed alone. I had to lose you entirely. I had to know our impermanence, like I knew it intellectually, but I had to declare it and live it. I had to destroy myself to see what I would become after. Slow motion heartbreaks where I could still see any reflection of a future weren’t enough.
And I still love you very much today, people don’t just wake up one morning and have a change of heart. If they did they were liars, or had been in denial about a slow change that had started before they noticed it. Pushing for all or nothing was terrible, I hate that in any situation. I know that I will never marry you, I know that I will not get to plan trips or lifetime milestones with you, which broke my heart immensely. I couldn’t have any dynamic with you while transitioning mentally. I still don’t know what we are, I don’t care to know. I do not want a label. There are going to be times where I bow out for a while and get quiet when I’m being emotional, there are going to be times where I will want to excitedly blow your phone up. I’m not going to chastise myself about this anymore. I know time helps, change in environment helps, reconnecting with friends, going easy on myself and not guilting myself over things, all that will slowly help. I know someday I will love someone as much as I love you now, I don’t know when that’s going to happen (I’m not rushing), but I can start moving forward with my life and without this push pull we’ve had to deal with over the last two years. We change over time, we can enjoy each other’s company when our paths cross, we can leave it at that and be happy for each other’s happiness. I know we still care about each other and that is enough.