Monthly Archives: August 2016

1:43AM

I’ve considered the Vegas dating/hook up/whatever scene to not even be worth window shopping in since I moved there.  I mean I never considered Phoenix to be that great but it’s a lot better by comparison.. which is pretty sad for Vegas.  And I’ve been on the fence about doing anything with anyone.  Part of me feels like I would be betraying my own heart, but I know I should be allowing myself to take more steps towards moving on.  Wtf happened to me?  I’ve always been selective, but still suuuuuper free spirited when I find someone I’d actually want to hit up. I’m not worried about hurting anyone… I’m more concerned about my emotions after.  I don’t know if I’m going to feel better with the distance after or if I’m going have to damage control some unexpected emotional fallout from inside.  I have not been able to sleep with anyone else.  No one else has kissed or held me since, and that’s probably making it harder to try again.   I’m making this harder on myself.  I’m being ridiculous.

8:11PM

I know it’s only been a week since I was punted from my old corporate life, but everything’s either pushing me to stay in Vegas, or move to Scottsdale… and not just the Phoenix metro area, but specifically Scottsdale and it’s super weird. lol.  And as for Seattle thing, it’s nifty but it’s riskier than the two other cities where I have more support. Some recruiter is supposed to follow up on Seattle but *shrugs*

I’m so exhausted, I’ve met so many peeps I feel like some brand ambassador or someone who is touring.  And I said I’d stop looking at work things so I could finish the school things for now but more work things keep popping up, which is good, but I really wanna finish this Linux thing and haven’t studied yesterday or today. I just wanna sleep now. U^U; zzzzz

I hope results from the doc came back alright.

10:52AM

Don’t drop bombs on me and then disappear.

Even if you don’t realize it’s a bomb, doesn’t mean it all of a sudden it isn’t one.

I’m sorry your silence after freaked me out and I sent a message. I didn’t know you were at breakfast.

I am still shaking from anxiety.

What is it with all the bathrooms

Omg, so one of the quirks that’s been going on in my dreams sporadically over the years are the goddamn showers that come on out of nowhere.  Like I walk around in an open bathroom and they turn on, of course there is more than one shower head, and it’s inconveniently placed, and there is no way for me to turn them off so I just have to walk away and close the door.  I don’t know if I’ve ever written about this before because I’m not sure how long it’s been since one of these “dream quirks” showed up, or it’s one of those details I just forget about.  So yeah, when this happens irl it’s really going to mess with me.  I think the thought “am I dreaming?” came across in my mind too cause my big toe got caught on something I couldn’t see on the bathroom tile and when I got free I lifted my foot to look at my toe and there was this indent and I was all omg don’t look at it, it doesn’t hurt, I can’t feel it so don’t look at it and maybe it’ll go away.  I walked into the other part of the bathroom where the vanity sink and ish were all at and this was supposed to be at the Platinum where Mel and Chris got married… but it looked more like the white bathrooms in the suites at Palms Place instead.  I was waiting for you, and kind of pacing from a room back to the hall, back and forth, like not necessarily nervous but anxious, like I have no patience… which is true for certain things, but I felt like I was going to see you any minute and was going to burst.

The other dream I woke up from was interesting.  I was sitting in some other suite my brain made up and was chillin on this couch then decided to move over to these two other couches that looked like they were pushed together to make a fluffy bed thing, and it seemed like a large room like a party would have rented it but it was dim and no one else was around.  Then people were coming in and I sat up to see these Korean peeps getting all situated and talking about stuff idk what, and these cute little kids in hanboks come up to me and they’re all harmony! Which means grandma!  But I’m still me, at my age, and I still don’t have kids of my own, so I guess these are my cousin’s grandkids so they just call me harmony out of respect and where I sit on the family tree.  It was super weird even though it made sense in the dream.  And I was in this really pretty light green and yellow hanbok and had a little hat and my hair was braided.  Everybody took off so I decided to lounge back in that spot and it was more like a platform bed, and there was a mirror above it and when I looked up I saw frosted glass in the reflection and realized it was a shower door and you’d stepped in.  So here I am in a hanbok looking at the mirror creeping on you – trying not to creep on you – by creeping on you by looking at the mirror – taking a shower thinking maybe I should go join you and then decided noooo harmony can’t do that, how inappropriate for a harmony. lol

I feel like this vaccine update kept making me reboot all morning.

10:07PM

I’m way more exhausted than I expected to be at the end of the week.  I guess I’ve been staying super busy tying loose ends, speeding through errands, and getting everything I’m “supposed to” situated so I could free up time and dedicate everything to studying right now… and got less done than I wanted this morning due to bs and then spent all afternoon researching and found some free money and resources for friends and then the Cisco thing for myself AND got a loooot more ish done than I thought I would.  Glad I held off on switching my major after all.  I’ve needed to develop a set routine but wanted other stuff out of the way first, and I got like 80%-ish of everything done so… I’m probably going to cancel going to Phoenix to speed through Linux.  I need this done before Cisco if I get the scholarship.  That should be a “when” but nothing is guaranteed. This is a three month program, it looks like it’s going to hurt like a mofo.  I still want it cause I’m crazy.

So I’ve spent this evening re prioritizing the order I want to do things in and figuring out feasible time frames with minimal (hopefully) burnout.  I’m going to respond to the last round of recruiters and leads and then stop putting time into job stuffs until this is done.  I started the first Linux class, it’s 45 hours of lecture, omg. *crying inside*  Plus the practice exams after that, and burning through those nonstop takes me about two days.  So yeah, I have to make a strict normal people schedule and stick with it.  Omg all of this feels overwhelming right now.  I already have weekend plans so I’m thinking of trying to casually do a couple hours here and there, and then dive in Monday with a 5 or 6 hour schedule. This whole thing is crazy.  The timing on all of this couldn’t have been more perfect if I had planned it. Omg.

Edit:  I have a goddamn phantom work phone I keep thinking I’m neglecting, or lost, at night.

12:13AM

Due to running my schedule 100% on my own whim and stuff, I will probably revert back to my old nocturnal ways. o.o

I am so exhausted today, I had such a good day.  I let everything sink in, and cheated and didn’t find a gluten free pizza cause my main priorities were cheese and grease and slices you fold in half, and I regret nothing! Not even this slight tummy ache.  Apparently half of a guild is into me, how wild is that concept?  *tangents* And my friends invited me to hunt Pokemon, and I have other friends hitting me up sending me url’s of their company job sites offering to be employee referrals, work friends I hadn’t seen in years are coming out of the woodwork to help me.  A nice recruiter called me about a spot in Phoenix not even two minutes after I left the Zoom meeting with TEO, but I want this thing I saw in Seattle, and the other thing somewhere I forgot what it’s called.  Everyone has been super sympathetic offering to help me however they can, trying to be super supportive… and I feel like such a fraud.  They have no idea how happy I am to be out of the toxic environment, I mean it started great but in the end it was bad, we know it.  I know I’m fine from a financial and future employment perspective and will probably take this as a shot to cram in the Linux cert so I have a better shot at the Seattle one or the Cali one, or the other one I can’t remember where it is right now and I’m too tired to look right now.  I’m so tired, it’s like when this stress is lifted off your back and you just need a nap.  But it’s after midnight so yeah.  I’m sure you’re super exhausted from literally everyone hitting you up in a panic trying to make sense of what’s going on, or see who else got hit.  I’m curious too, I guess that’s normal.  Dinner tomorrow at 7 should be interesting. ._.

I really hope you’re doing okay, and that you’re not holding on to any guilt or regret.  Everyone is going to you because they trust and respect you.  You are very much loved.

6:30PM

Mandatory One on One right at 9:00AM sharp tomorrow morning with TEO.  And I was told TEO and Axel understood this was a broken process and was not my fault.

I thought I was at least going to make it till Wednesday, lol.

There’s a lot of speculation going around in the office about you, and I’m sure they’re all wrong.

3:37PM

Day 1 without you and I already managed to cause my first sev 1.. that I’m aware of. What timing.

At least you don’t have to hear from everyone about it, and at least everyone agrees it’s due to a broken process and not my own negligence. *shrugs*

 

*flails*

Sigh

Are you getting more sleep? I know you’re always busy with other stuff and have the university thing and other things but I at least *hope* a majority of your schedule was being eaten by the thing you’re not actively doing right now. Idk how else to word it, it’s weird. That’s weird. This is all weird. I’m still feeling lost in the dark and ignorant af. But whatever.

I hope you’re getting more sleep and are legit resting instead of pushing yourself too much.

RE: Q&A

Thank you for answering what you could. I have three more questions but I’m not going to be rude and post them, maybe someday I’ll get to ask.

I know you’ve already gone a lot further than you should have, and I appreciate you doing that for me.

Detached iris

Omg, in my dream my right iris kept detaching like it was a contact lens and I could feel it and would look in the mirror and try to look at wherever the iris was, like when an actual contact moves and it wasn’t working so I had to close my left eye and would try to get my right eye to look into it instead of trying to line it up using a mirror. And I was talking to this doctor and she was all well don’t do whatever, and take a break from wearing makeup, and I was all… but none of those things happened and I never wear make up and she was all ohh and lost her confidence on this being an easy thing to deal with right there. And I guess eye surgery was on the table, which freaks me out. Idk how people deal with lasik like everyone I know irl loves it but >_>

There was a bunch of other weird stuff too like kids with bad behavior running around in this building and the carpeting down the halls and ugly wallpaper made it look like a hotel or something but whenever I looked out a window we were super high up like this had to be an office building. I’m forgetting everything now, and that’s okay.. I wanna sleep a little more anyway.

2:04AM

I’m speculating a lot of terrible things. I know I shouldn’t, cause it’s unhealthy… and I can’t ask questions or verify anything.. but my brain is an asshole sometimes. Okay most of the time.

Did someone decide I was a liability with how I’m connected to you and decided to drop me before I was a corporate scandal? Are you only on leave until I’m fired?

Did your doc make you go on loa? Or did you go on loa because of me? You’ve always been overworked and never took time for yourself before, I know everything is worse now.. regarding everything.. but..

My brain needs to stfu.

10:13PM

Did they go through your phone?  If we ever spoke are they looking at phone records or are you being recorded or something?  What’s made everything a little better?  I mean better is good.  I know you’re obligated to say you can’t talk about everything right now, but it would be nice to actually hear you for once.

Do they know about our sites?  My domains are registered privately but idk how much that actually helps.

12:20PM

Not all questions and curiosities are misconceptions. I’ve just had little faith in my own understanding and perspective on things for a while. I question where to get food and what colors to use in spreadsheets, it’s dumb.

I’m figuring out my own damage control, and expect to be taken out in similar fashion to what happened to Steve and Tori by mid next week.  But at least I know.

And I want you to know I’m not mad at you for yesterday, and I hope that wherever you go, you’ll be alright.