Monthly Archives: July 2016

Happy Birthday

I just did something I hadn’t done since 2013.  I started a new script, and it’s an SNRI that’s supposed to treat fibromyalgia and nerve pain or whatever.  SNRI’s scare me, since I almost killed myself on the last one.  But the doc confirmed the one I was on had a bad reputation and got pulled, he said he prescribed it once and his patient had a bad time on it, so never again.  This one that’s new to me apparently has decent results.  He said it’s rare with this one, but if I try it for a few days and start having mood issues, or major depression, feel like a zombie, or have other issues to just stop taking it.  I’m sill super skeptical and this drug class makes me nervous, but hearing what he said about the bad one in 2013 made me feel validated, and it’s been literally years since I walked away from an initial visit with this much confidence in a doctor.  He’s having me follow up with a colleague there who is a headache specialist so we can figure out what’s going on with my headaches and what they’re doing to my vision..   I’ve dealt with rheumatology and other stuff before, but this is my first time going to see pain specialists at an institution that focuses specifically on pain.  And my friend who recommended this place to me said her quality of life got much better after seeing them.  They are out of network and are pricey, but if it helps it’s worth it.  I gave up on this yeeeears ago, so this is very very hard for me to try again.  I told him because it’s been so long, I was basically starting over, and  wanted to challenge my fibro diagnosis.  And he said that was cool, so there’s a lot of bloodwork in my future.  Also regretting switching from an HSA to a PPO, because at least I wouldn’t be paying for anything once I passed my deductible, but I know I’m going to pass it and start shelling out monies out of pocket. Whoops.  And this is probably one of the most expensive scripts I’ve ever filled, and it’s the generic!  At least I have the cash.  I know a lot of people who don’t have my options, and a few years ago I couldn’t have afforded this.  I still feel like hell after the trigger point test earlier today.  I guess now it’s called a “tender point” exam or something? He was commenting that my myofascial pain was really high or sensitive or something.  lol.  I’m just info dumping this somewhere so it’s out of my system.

I ate chile rellenos and got a carne asada taco. I passed out and napped.  Like masturbated so I’d be exhausted and fall into a coma,  really really napped for a few hours, and had weird dreams I can’t remember. So I slept, and ate. I cried only a little.  And when I had terrible nausea I got these licorice tabs and they helped a great deal. I’m going out in a few minutes to fill scripts the doc prescribed earlier this morning. I have lab work Monday.  This is the best I can do right now.

I was thinking about the previous times we’d stopped communicating and how later you described your confusion, or would say something like you didn’t know what the rules were.  Like there was some expectation the separations were temporary and would eventually resolve.

Each time was meant to be permanent. I never wanted this, but each time I was beyond broken when I pushed towards the thing I wanted the least, for our own good. For mine.

There are no rules, because there is no goal. Not anymore anyway. There is no game.  This was never a game to me. It’s too easy to fall back into old habits like earlier today. We’re sad, we’re hurting, we miss each other, we still love each other. At least that’s what I’m getting on my side. It’s dangerous. I appreciated your backing me professionally when I need it, I appreciated your concern and willingness to deviate a little, I wanted it. But I can’t fall back into this pattern. I can’t have want I want. I already tried everything I could think of before getting to this point, and you never made room for me in your life. Me becoming a chaotic force wasn’t my fault.

So this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, because I love you. I have been sick since you left and I’m still getting worse in new ways I hadn’t thought possible in a long time. I’m trying to cope. I’m doing a poor job right now. But I can’t set a precedence that no matter what you do or don’t do, I’ll come back and will suddenly be in your life again.  I will not come back regardless of the circumstances.  I can’t do that. I meant it when I said I couldn’t talk to you again without it hurting me.  Not until we could be together, or I was over you.  We will never have a friendship like we did when we met. It isn’t possible.

We interact out of necessity. I appreciate the flexibility you’ve afforded me to stay productive while pulling myself back together. I do notice it, it is not taken for granted. And I will never be able to thank you verbally, so I can at least do it here.  But I hope you don’t misinterpret our communication in the office as a sign my limits are flexible, or that my absolutes will ever change.

When the day comes and we no longer have a professional tie, you will never hear from me again. Any contact with you is hopeful, it’s painful.  This is simple. No rules, no trying to figure out how something works. This isn’t some temporary thing.  If you can’t do it right, I can’t do it at all.

B: I am kinda defiantly winning

C: That’s good

B: oh crap its late
why are you up

C: I haven’t gone to sleep before one since he left

B: ah

C: Actually I’m usually up till I’m exhausted enough to black out around 3 or 4 something
And even then it’s not really sleep, it’s more like forced resting, then I still get up normal hours most of the time. And my eyes are paying for it, they’ve been stinging the last few days and they’re red as fuck right now

B: eye strain
do you have any melatonin

C: No
I have klonopin to help me stay asleep but have had no desire to take it

B: you need to sleep

C: I nap here and there

B: that is not the same you need long rest periods
its bad for the brain and the mind

C: I can’t care anymore
It’s not in me

B: probably because you are not sleeping
yah you need to sleep

C: I keep getting nausea too
And headaches

B: because you are exhausted and not sleeping

C: I don’t want to be awake but I don’t want to sleep either
I don’t want to do anything

B: naps are not sleep
sleep, take something and pass out for a solid 8
it will help

C: Every time I dream I see him, I can’t sleep
Every single time

B: if you dont sleep you will only hurt yourself

C: And every time I wake up I wish I was dead

B: then you should go for some help

C: I’m seeing a specialist on Friday

B: you can cause a psychological break by not sleeping
im talking therapy

C: I don’t know what to say

B: they ask you why you are there
you say I am not sleeping
they asky what has changed in life recently that may have caused this change

C: I don’t have it in me to deal with therapy
Or other people
I’m surprised I managed to schedule a damn thing

B: therapy is not something you deal with
its something you do to help, it is like food, or bathing
when my depression gets out of controll it keeps me up
I become insomniatic
you are depressed
but not eating, not sleeping, not taking care of yourself will not help you
it is only going to make things worse

Yesterday I smelled cut grass in the car. Now I’m smelling jäger as soon as I wake up and I know there’s no jäger in my room. Wtf.

That pressure behind/between my eyes is still there. Ugh.

Do you have any experience with seizures? Have you ever experienced one or known someone who had? A friend suggested my ocular migraines might actually be seizure related, looks like I can’t avoid neuro anymore.

And then a friend posts this. Ahahaha.

*cries*

I need to cut myself off from the world.

I just wanted to be “home.”

Late night thought:  Why would anyone have a plastic ring up their vagina if it wasn’t a nuvaring?  I don’t see any practical application otherwise? And I mean, I know I’m weird but still?

It is kind of funny thinking about how I used to reschedule periods around your trips… I guess it’s not a secret anymore.

I have a test at 10. Fml.

Stuck in bed looking at road trip ideas, I’ve seen a lot of Arizona, but there’s still so much I didn’t get a chance to explore yet. And there’s apparently a lot here but the drives don’t feel worth it because of the mileage (when starting at the end of a state, instead of in the middle).  These states are big. I haven’t even left the country yet, there’s too much stuff to see, and I’ll probably need a sabbatical after university to catch up.

Mt Charelston is probably the comfiest spot here, and I’m glad I could share it.  There is also a lodge cat on the mountain.  I drove up recently for hot chocolate and ate on the patio.  There are two of them but only one was out greeting people at their tables asking for pets and keeping people company. Her name is Mama.

Valley of Fire is so unique and pretty though, I’m sad we never made it.

The other week Anne wifey was saying one of the hardest things about a separation, when you still love someone is when you come across something the other person would like, or when you want to tell them about what you’re doing, or what you discovered, because you want to share that experience. She’s so fucking right.

I miss being intimate with you.

I miss that comfort.

I miss everything.

I always peek when I see you’ve visited, to see if you’ve left a response. It’s just become another excuse for me not to let go.

Heart in my chest, please stop crumbling.

I can’t sleep or function anymore.

It kills me not being able to have a life with you.

I keep responding in my head with death because harm to our loved ones, especially death, would be the greatest devastation.

But I can’t commit to it because both feel equally painful.  They feel equivalent.

“Tell me, what would hurt more. Knowing the person you love will die, or knowing they’re alive but you cannot have them?”