I remembered I had a dream early in June where you mentioned having family in Texas. But I can’t remember if you told me about your father, or any other family ties to Texas before the last time we saw each other in person.
Weird.
Btw, we are like two teenagers with livejournals. We are lj stalking each other, and it’s a goddamn loophole. A comfortable crutch. But in all honesty, I appreciate the transparency and the ability to peek at your words. I know you’re not trying to push for anything. I want to share things with you, it’s embedded in my programming now. I want to tell you about all the awesome things. Organic is an understatement. Idk wtf I’m doing. It shouldn’t be this. We shouldn’t be like this. We don’t know how to stop each other. I don’t want to stop. I want to keep going. I’ve always wanted to break ground and establish something permanent with you. I think this has been the most consistent thing my mind has been screaming for years. I absolutely with all my heart love you, and I don’t want to give you up, but I’m supposed to because we’ve already hit this impasse multiple times and it hurts us both. I can run towards you and your legs are bound. I just want us. More than anything. That’s why I still fail, that’s why this still feels wrong, why there is no right answer, and why indulgence and abstaining both produce the same pain.
I deserve better. You deserve better. We both deserve better than this.