Monthly Archives: July 2016

Laws of attraction..?

I was thinking about a couple of the important people in my life, and some things, that disappeared from my life for literally years and came back. I guess it’s cause of the comfort around my neck that was gone for almost a decade.

There’s a post in my old LJ that talks about when Mel moved away to California back when we were still in high school.  I cried so much, and she wasn’t able to keep in touch since she was in survival mode for years. I didn’t know her family had moved to Vegas, or that she moved back to Mesa later. I’d periodically search for her existence online throughout the years. Sometimes every 6 months, sometimes a year and a half would go by. I’d find relics from DA, or FF forums, and then found a link to a more recent alias on another art forum. Even this was years ago.

I literally looked for Mel for yeeears.

I’m glad we reconnected in AZ and talked about it, I’m glad she’s doing better in WA, I’m so happy I was her maid of honor last year, and will always have her in my life even if there’s some distance every now and then. I miss her right now. She goes silent and internalizes when she’s processing things, but I know we’ll always be there for each other, and we can always pick the conversation back up like we were watching anime and playing DDR a week ago.

Recently I was out at Artifice with a girl friend and we posted a photo online, and Gypsy responded in surprise that we knew each other. We’d both known Gypsy for years through different circles in different states, and had met in Vegas and recently become close friends ourselves. Gypsy is supposed to be here in October, and we can all get together. I met Gypsy a year after Mel when I was 15. She disappeared and I didn’t run into her again until I was 19.  She’d been dealing with her own family and instabilities, but we kept in touch online even when she went to SF. She didn’t keep much of an online presence, I saw her once or twice while I was still in AZ and then once since moving here. Since she took care of some issues that were weighing her down and moved to Kent, she’s been interacting more online and I know I’ll see her this year, we might be doing a thing next spring. I was so happy when I found her again, and she’s been intermittent but I’m glad I’ve been hearing from her more the last couple years.

Ashe puts a lot of effort into seeing me on my birthday and I appreciate it so much. She’s been up here the last two years. We worked together and this guy we were both pseudo interested in introduced us cause he thought we’d hit it off and then we became bffs lol.  She’s one of the best things to come out of that place.  She was there for me the day I left AZ. We cried in each other’s arms.  Sometimes we go on these chat spurts, but whenever I visit the hometown I always stay with her now.  Even on the last minute overnight run when I crashed at Josh’s she still made it out to the event.

My history is a little bit of hope that the people who mean so much to me will always come back in my life, even if they have to disappear for a while.

I miss you

You are my favorite kiss, my favorite sex, my favorite cuddle, my favorite partner, my favorite dinner companion, my favorite Netflix and chill, my favorite shared space to be me in, my favorite good morning, my favorite good night, my favorite dream, and my favorite piece of myself I ever shared with anyone.  You are my favorite person.

The first episode

Lloyd from Mr. Robot is S. Chow. Omg, the shit that comes out of his mouth.

I recognize more Linux than I thought I would.

I am enjoying the social engineering.

This shows accurate that pretty much every chick I ever met named Darline was a jerk.

Christian Slater is still Christian Slater.

Neil Diamond was a nice touch.

I had some crazy deja vu when Elliot first see’s the abandoned amusement park like indoor thing with the old school gaming cabinets and lights room and remembered the reoccurring childhood dreams I used to have where I’d wander arcades and find DDR machines, racing games, etc.  Sometimes they were huge and sometimes there were a bunch of smaller rooms like they were sectioned off, but it wasn’t like Gameworks or anything. It was different. It was some weird endless arcade or carnival thing, sometimes I’d end up in long halls in hotels and find a casino floor, I’d find huuuuge grand staircases with dark wood handrails and red paisley carpet, and the color was so rich. And the wallpaper was a similar rich color with the old Victorian parlor or damask pattern.  But, I’ve never seen a casino, hotel, or staircase like this irl or in media that I can remember. It made me think of the Colorado Belle in Laughlin but it’s still nothing like that. Those dreams were weird, it was always a lot of wandering, and I hadn’t thought about them in years.

The last show that reminded me of old reoccurring childhood dreams that got buried somewhere in my memories was Black Mirror. This is great.

Confusion

You were here but the office environment looked different and it was smaller, kind of like the one I was in, in 2007.  Everyone was chatting about random stuff and I found something online about Lady Gaga playing later in the evening and then lost it.   We kept guessing venues and I said for a show that big it’d have to be Mandalay, Hard Rock, or MGM. I couldn’t find it and somehow the conversation shifted to Britney Spears having an actual concert outside of her show at Planet Hollywood.

I got up and went to the kitchen for some kind of caffeine and you were listening to me think out loud about wtf event was going on tonight and why was it missing from the Internet.  You hadn’t participated in the speculation and had just been listening.  I walked out of the kitchen and flopped onto a couch. The kitchen was dim but the room the couch was in was lit softly like it was early morning. You said something but I can’t remember what it was and you came over close enough for me to pull you down and kiss you. You were exhausted but willing to at least restrict yourself to sitting next to me. I threw my arms around you from behind and kissed your neck, trying to get you to cave in and you did. But it was off and I couldn’t figure it out. Then I realized the way you kissed me was different like it wasn’t even you so I started to retract and you got up before I could say anything.

Holy fucking estrogen

Yesterday was weird.  This is also a super TMI venting rant.

BB invited me to a thing earlier in the week and I accepted without thinking about it guessing it was a larger event she wanted to attend.  Then I saw her comment on it and realized she made the event and was all oh cool it’s at Town Square so maybe it’s a group dinner or something.  Then I realized it was for a movie premier for Bad Moms at 9:00PM, and I was all okay 9:00PM isn’t too bad, I’m already here, I’m leaving the office right before 8 and I could eat something.  We ended up at this place called Neche that recently opened and I saw these two other ladies there, so I guess it was a pretty small get together or maybe some people didn’t show.  The place has decent food and it’s pretty inside but it is slow af.  I got a Japanese mule and it was pretty good.  Apparently I like these things with whiskey or tequila, but not vodka. *shrugs* So we made small talk over dinner and BB works with this chick Janette, and her 6 month pregnant sister is with us, and they seem chill and all.  We go to the movie,  I don’t think I would have picked it out on my own but it was good with a group of chicks, we laughed a lot.  It was packed, and I asked BB how much estrogen is in this room right now? And she was all a lot.  And I said it was like we were at a women’s expo.  Which was only funny cause my estrogens hella low on shark week, and I mentioned how next week when we’re back for Suicide Squad with Palo Alto it’ll be all men.  Last night we only saw two guys in the theater.  Next week I imagine BB and I will prolly be the only ladies, or there could be a couple more maybe.  But it’s funny.

Oh man, and the sister, I feel bad I can’t remember her name.  She was super nice and we were sitting there holding seats for the others and she asked me if I had kids, and I was all nahh.  Do you want kids??  .. yeah, I’m just not there yet.  And she was all bubbly like they’re so fun, and her sister in law warned her with the first it wouldn’t be all fun and games and would be hard but she enjoys it and now she’s about to have her second one, and I’m all that’s cool.  The main character in the movie had her first at 20 and part of the issues it hit on was missing the fun part of their 20’s, and I was all… fuck if I make it out of my 20’s alive I’m gonna call that a win, and I am almost there.  And when people get married why do other peeps start asking about babies like there’s a deadline?  I know the nice pregnant sister was trying to bond and share some of her joy, but uhh, I’m good right now with not having that kind of responsibility.  I would want a few years of marriage without kids, like I’m sure it’s great once you get there but you can’t go back, the time before that is finite if kids are in the future and I’d like a few years of one on one time before expanding.

And while chillin there in this estrogen fest I’m in my seat trying to ignore the stabbity stabbity pains I’m not used to at all.  I usually don’t PMS bad, and I’m all… is this some kind of revenge for barely spotting last time that now I literally have chunks of uterus coming out of me? OMG why can’t you liquefy like every other month first GDI?! Why am I waking up to a murder scene between my legs every morning now?? And I started a day early too and I feel like my cervix is splitting in half.  Yesterday morning I was wondering if this might be what it felt like if someone was raped and then split in half like in Urotsukidoji.  I am not a normal person.  I just went to a chick flick about moms and PTA meetings “being bad” by partying and not trying to be perfect anymore, while calling my uncontrollable bleeding “shark week” and comparing the pain earlier in the day to a hentai.. that’s not very subtle at all either.

But after all that we checked out McFaddens and it was hot inside and noisy and we were all screw this and went to Blue Martini and I got BB a cosmo and got a mojito, and we got a hookah and it was still stupid loud in there, like I hate crowded excessively loud venues where you feel like you planned poorly by not bringing earplugs.  But at least the company was good.  Janette and I were talking for a little bit and she asked if I listened to the kind of music that was playing and I was all noo, and handed her my iPhone.  She only scrolled to the E’s, then said “I feel like I know you.”   Which cracked me up cause the last time I handed an Apple device for someone to scroll through my music was you.  My insides were committing seppuku back then too.. which was literally the only reason why I left. Weird.  Anyway.  BB and I took off a little after that and Janette hugged me saying I was her new favorite person lol.  We are now fb friends.

And I am so annoyed whenever I’m in this state because I keep flipping between I feel miserable and I neeeed to get laid before I do anything else. Like lemme go hop in the shower and I’ll brb.  I am going to consume massive amounts of coffee and chocolate. Somebody just put me out of my misery already.

1:47AM

Dear future husband,

Please pin me to the wall and fuck me haaard. And go down on me sometimes.

Also, I hope you enjoy receiving head as much as I enjoy giving it.. and don’t care that my nose gets runny sometimes and then I’ll run away after for a tissue.  Any chick who denies this ever happening to her is a goddamn liar.

kthx,

– your future waifu

P.S. Today was weird af.

Flowers and polyamory

So this is funny, I planned everything a while ago and decided not to put myself through the phone calls and cancel anything despite what happened the last time we saw each other. I wanted the last thing I did to go through.  What’s interesting, or strange about the orchids is they cannot deliver on Mondays because they’re imported from Thailand. When I was scheduling, I wasn’t sure what week to pick because your birthday landed on a Saturday, and I had trouble picking between white and purple because I thought they were both beautiful so I decided on both. Then it bothered me there was a gap on Monday and hit up Wendy for macarons. When I was putting this together I thought.. I can’t be there to celebrate your birthday with you but I can send my love and try to lessen the gap and our distance.

And then that Monday came and that’s when you gave notice you were traveling to Mexico, and I remembered the deliveries and was all oh shit.  I mean I could never plan things when I thought you’d be here, why did I think I could schedule things in San Mateo? So I called Wendy and told her to cancel and not worry about a refund and apologized for the short notice, and she said she still  wanted to make the delivery when you returned and I said okay.  And then I called to cancel the flowers but they were already too close to delivery.  The lady said she’d try to have the package destroyed so you wouldn’t come back to dead flowers, and offered to send replacements as a courtesy given the circumstances.

I had no idea the original package made it. I also wondered what you were talking about when you said everyone read the “cards.” As in plural, which cards? And who counts within everyone? I accepted that would remain a mystery on my end. And you can’t eat the macarons anyway. *sigh*

So polygamy and harems…

I prefer the word polyamory. It’s all inclusive and works as a blanket term for the countless styles and dynamics people have integrated into their lives, because everyone is different and humans don’t fit within certain limits or protocols.  I have seen so many various examples of polyamorous relationships in and out of the kink scene, and the easiest illustrations I’ve seen sound like “my husband’s girlfriend and I are planning his birthday” or “my wife’s boyfriend is taking her on a date Saturday so I’m going to a DnD night.” Or “my husband and I recently started seeing someone and it’s getting serious and we’re excited.” I’ve seen it where all parties are in love, or some parties love more than one and the individuals who love the same person are respectful of their separate dynamics and are even friends. Gender doesn’t play in.  But it’s not ownership, it’s not threatening, jealousy is talked about openly if it comes up. Everything is talked about before, during, and after to make sure everyone is okay.

Polygamy sounds very one sided, it’s one person with two or more partners, and usually that term is exclusively one man with many partners.  What she wants is polyandry, one woman with multiple partners.. because anthropology is fun, but being one sided and selfish is not, I mean it is for the person, but not the people around them. Tangents are fun.  Harems again play into ownership. It’s about the possession of another. It’s a voluntary power exchange, I can’t believe this term works out of the D/s context like this, hah.  Anyway, there is no possession in love, or outright disregard for the wants, desires, and needs of the person you claim to care about.  I’ve always looked at monogamy and polyamory as a spectrum like orientation, rather than a black and white thing. I have loved more than one person at the same time but I know the circumstances weren’t optimal. My first relationship was already crumbling and my love had to change there for me to open up to someone else.  I was finding comfort in a friend I respected who knew my situation. And when all was said and done we remained friends and decided to end the romantic component.  It’s a friend love, it always was and we didn’t want to date. I left the first relationship and that ran its course on its own.

It’s more like people transition from one relationship to another like they’re migrating data between servers because they haven’t figured out Vmotion yet. They have one foot in each place, and they try to call it poly when they’re in transition and don’t know where to pull the trigger.  Poly is a real thing, it works for some people, and some people will discover a part of themselves they didn’t know existed, but some people try to cling to the ideal of being poly as a justification when they really aren’t capable of that kind of love, and it does make everyone else look bad.. I feel bad for that community. We are all capable of compromises to a point, I know personally where I fit on the spectrum, I know there are dynamics I can have with one partner, I couldn’t have with another.  And it doesn’t mean anything was wrong with one or the other. We also have different needs at different points in our lives. I’ve noticed from my own habits the stronger I feel my connection is to someone, the more I focus on that relationship.  I will default to monogamy even when it’s not asked or expected, and will give it without making a conscious decision.   That’s just me, there’s nothing wrong with anyone who loves differently, and there’s nothing wrong with more when it’s genuine.  But I am not surprised her chosen words were polygamy/polyandry and harems, they fit within her scope.  She doesn’t appreciate the beauty right in front of her.  I get the sense that she’s never been satisfied, and never will be.  She’s only known how to collect people for whatever she feels is missing, whether it’s sex, attention, or some semblance of love, in whatever capacity she’s able to express it.  I feel bad for her, it’s her pattern and she’ll never have enough.

1:27AM

It finally happened, I decided to go out and when I was asked where I was going used Pokemon hunting as an excuse.  Where you off to? I’m gonna go hunt Pokemon. Have fun hunting Pokemon. Thanks.

I did something I never do and went to a 10PM showing of The Killing Joke on a school night. I found out it was only showing for 2 nights and this was my last shot, and only a few theaters were showing it so I had to go to the end of Summerlin, which is cool I guess. It was weird cause there were no previews, it was a blank screen until 10PM, and then this bs countdown started on the bottom right corner of the screen, so starting at 10PM were the previews and same 2 trivia questions about Batman and everyone was all wtf, so the film didn’t start till after 10:30, and a nice forward piece by Mark Hamill was done before the actual movie, but it was enjoyable.  And during the countdown I was surprised to hear a familiar voice and turned around and was all Jimmy!! He was sitting right behind me with a buddy and then two other friends showed up, and he was all oh what a coincidence.  I know this was a limited viewing and few theaters were showing the movie but yeah.. this is the first time since I’ve moved here that’s ever happened lol. His group seems nice, they seem nerdy and friendly, and I was kind of disappointed he never introduced me and none of them said hi when he acknowledged me in the theater and when we were walking out, but I get it.  I know in a reverse circumstance I would be running introductions and would be going for inclusion but that never happens in Vegas, and we’ve drifted as friends.  Relationships are either cultivated to grow stronger or people naturally drift apart, and I know one of the things is all the baggage that came from all the politics.  I understand some people prefer to keep working relationships as acquaintances, but it wasn’t like that a couple years ago.  Whatever, it can’t be helped.

Vegas was amazingly lonely in 2013, that hasn’t changed.  It’s hard to plant seeds here that grow into meaningful friendships. It’s one thing I miss about AZ, even if I’ve dropped a lot of people there, I know which ones are worth keeping.  Here it’s different, no one even tries, or they’re still guarded on some way. The couple exceptions I’ve found are just that, exceptions. Maybe that’s why this place will never be home.

11:11PM

That moment you go to make an online purchase and your card is declined so you log into your account and find about a grand was spent, and was spread over 7 transactions you didn’t make.  They partied on the strip and bought a bunch of shit at some discount clothing store because apparently they can’t check ID’s when taking payment for hundreds of dollars.  Just got off the phone with the fraud department, what a headache.  I wanna find whoever did this, ask how they did it, and beat the shit out of them.  It’s not defcon week, I was far from the strip, and looking at the dates I think they got me at the gas station or at Town Square.  wtf

8:32PM

I took a nap for a couple hours then woke up feeling like hell. I know triple digits wipe me out but I’d forgotten how the frequency in headaches goes up for me in the summer. That’s worded weird. I had a follow up with a doc early this morning and am trying something else.. again. The bruise on my arm is now 15 days old and it’s still taking up a decent amount of real estate lol. I have another follow up on the 8th. Hopefully things won’t get worse and they’ll actually be better. But I can’t live in hot places much longer.

At least the moon I’d been missing is close to my heart again, after all these years.

1:23AM

I was convinced to come out and see a friend’s band play at the house of blues, spotted some defcon people (it’s kinda early?), and was invited to a security thing by Palo Alto in August.  Sounds about right..? I guess.

Mandalay and MGM always makes me think of you. Even if it’s not our favorite place, Vegas is ours, and that made even a place like this a little more endearing. I have a few pragmatic reasons to stick around a little longer, but the ties that keep me here the most are emotional. It’s my last link to you, that and the office.  I know my resume doesn’t entirely suck and even if Vegas is iffy as a market I’d compete well, but I don’t have it in me to look, because of what keeps me emotionally. I’m afraid to leave this place professionally, geographically, because I’m afraid to really see what life looks like without you.

But on your end, if you find something better and have a way to improve your situation, please do what’s best for you.  I hope it opens you up to bettering your personal life too.  It’ll break me some, but I already have to make it through everything else anyway. And this decision is not about me, it’s about those 8 – 16(?) hours, 7 days a week. That needs to stop. I know what you were writing earlier was out of concern and wasn’t meant to hurt me. It didn’t. What hurts is “this.” I’m referencing everything when I say “this.” The situation in its entirety. And the thing you wrote about earlier stays between us. It’s just a small secret in our vast collection.

image

I am glad that of all the people in the world who really know me, it’s you.  You’ve known about every piece that makes me who I am from my past up to this point. Mel, Gypsy, Ashe, BB, I adore them all and keep them close in my heart, but they haven’t known me as unfiltered and vulnerable as you have.

This hurts

There are some things I know not to discuss, like the last night we spoke in person as an example. No one will know about your response regarding current events from me. You have many of my secrets too, but I’m fine with it.

I saw this coming a million miles away, I can tell Anna did too from her letter.

I know you’ve justified a lot of what’s happened to you as preventive, the whole “idle hands” thing. I know the thing we still deal with in common is very demanding, it’s one of the main reasons I wanted to make the change in May, to try and take some of that edge off.. but it still looks like you let previous excuses allow it to consume you whole. You do need a break, you do need family, you need a lot of things you’ve denied yourself.

It still breaks my heart.