I know I did the right thing, and can at least take that with me. There is zero doubt. There is no longer any unknown, no what if, none of that.
I’d known this for a while in the back of my mind but couldn’t put it into words until this week. You always cited communication problems, and then you said I was blunt a couple times (which I thought was funny). I like being blunt, it’s simple, it’s to the point, it’s usually not hard to misinterpret. I was trying to resist making assumptions even though you said more than once you were trying to make it easy for me to do it, so you wouldn’t have to say things outright, and despite my declaring I didn’t want to draw my own conclusions, and wanted you to say things directly, you still got me to run with your words, only to have me point it out again. You can’t have it both ways. Even if saying something directly is uncomfortable, you can’t force people to make assumptions by leading them with words, and then get upset when there are miscommunications. That will not always work out the way you expect. I hope you start paying attention to this habit and that it helps you when speaking with others in the future.
And I did notice your efforts on trying to communicate better, and we were seeing each other more often. But you placed limits on us, and I was reminded every day. You and I are never going to have a drunk brunch together. I didn’t know if I would ever see you on a weekend, or know what it’s like to have a decent amount of time with you. Travel with you. Kiss you good morning and good night. Celebrate anniversaries. Celebrate each other.
You made me believe in love at first sight. I never believed in “the one,” but I thought you were the one for me. I didn’t want to waste any more time, and by that I mean I wanted all the time I could have with you. Because we both know life is short, neither of us expected to be alive today at certain points in our pasts, and everything is uncertain. I know someday we won’t be around, so I want to cherish every day I have with you.
You forced me to give up.
And believe me, I fought so hard not to. I tried looking at it from every angle I could.
I fought myself. I asked myself to keep pushing despite the self destruction.
I couldn’t act like this wasn’t happening anymore. I had to speak in absolutes. I had already acknowledged my limits, now I have to enforce them.
My love,
You are giving up your life for others, and it is destroying you, and I cannot watch you do this to yourself.
I can only hope that someday you’ll realize your value, that you absolutely deserve happiness, and will go after it.