Monthly Archives: April 2016

Another broken day

Today was stupid, I was stupid, I was having an alright morning that started to go sideways and tried to make light of it, ignore it by indulging myself mentally in what I wanted at the time, and then realizing everything was just getting worse, and then finally came to terms with dealing with it, and trying to get through it, one task at a time.  My mind has been fragmented and has been rambling like this for most of today.

But things have to start getting better, right?

I tried hanging on to the silly, the frivolous, and the non-important-but-still-important-to-me thoughts, I walked through halls trying to auto-pilot my duties at minimum, get through a decent chunk of work at best so tomorrow I’ll thank myself for how I handled today.. but this head space couldn’t make it till the end and then I was just sad.  Everyone has been burnt out, stressed, exhausted, anxious, all these things, for a long time, I could have said these things a year ago and it still would have been true, but there’s an increasing normalcy in this now.  At least things are shifting a little?  I don’t know, I’m trying, that’s all I know to do.  I started walking down halls a little later and this little voice inside of me was praying that I was walking to you, that you would be around the corner from wherever I was and that I could see you, that we’re not alone, that we’ve got this.  Everyone’s got it, it’s alright.  I’ve been missing you bad lately, I mean I always miss you, but some days it’s louder than others, and some days my guard is down and it’s absolutely overwhelming.  Today was one of those days.  That little prayer in the back of my head quietly requesting, please.  It will never be heard, it’ll never be answered.  I just need sleep, maybe I’ll feel better in the morning.  That’s the joke, that it’s the human equivalent to “have you tried turning it off and back on again?”

Writing for the sake of writing something

It’s been a while since I posted about a dream, and it’s not because I haven’t been dreaming.  I’ve been having a lot of long drawn out stress dreams but haven’t had the time, or desire, in the morning to write them out.  I’ve been consistently waking up around 5 something then usually 6 – 6:19am the last few weeks, idk why 6:19am sticks out but it always does, and then I try to rest and nap until my alarm goes off to salvage some sleep but it backfires cause then it’s harder to wake up a second time.

Between the crying and thoughts racing I got no sleep last night.  I’m still freaked out, but I spoke to mom about everything, and we have a plan in place.  We’re informed, we’re aware, and that is at least a little more empowering.  She keeps telling me to rest and sleep in tomorrow.  I’m never able to sleep in anymore.

date rape

I don’t even know what to make of the dream I just had. A lot was going on and I was outside for a bit and saw a bunch of friends at a park on some benches, then walked up the street with a couple friends and looked at shops, found these cherry heels and grabbed then to try them on and this one dude who called hinself a geek was there talking to me while I shopped and I was all whatever but was still trying to be courteous.

Then I was at what I guess was home and I kept waking up feeling excessively groggy and a little beat up like I did too much the previous night but couldn’t remember. There was one evening where we were celebrating whoever I was with’s birthday in th dream and we were popping bottles of champagne and some friends were a littl bitchy there wasn’t straight liquor. Then there was another party, and I woke up feeling like hell and couldn’t em ember much so I wondered what happened and then remember r I drank very little, then realized I was being drugged because that’s the only time I ever blacked out. I. Started piecing things together including what I thought was a dream where I was thrown on top of a table and the guy I was seeing that the dream assigned forced himself on me.  I was appalled and wanted to call him out but wasn’t sure where to go o how to safely approach the situation, and then my alarm went off.