5:11am, I see my brains back on schedule. I just woke up from a dream where I was in the office telling Katherine in person I got all the info “finally” on the iPhone so it could be updated, and also that we finally got everything on HockeyApp and it took a lot of digging, and she was like okay great. She had sat down next to me to overlook what was on my screen and you were already there but had walked around the divider thing and sat next to her. I overheard her asking what you were thinking for lunch and you quietly said sushi in this almost devious almost giddy inflection and it shook me. Your demeanor with everyone is always consistent, the same speech patterns, tone, cadence, body language, gestures… but here, here it was past being an old friend and into doting lover or boyfriend. So I shot up from my seat, lied that I was late for a meeting and rushed out of the building before the confusion on the inside was obvious to anyone on the outside. I remember walking past the Sketchers store in Town Square rationalizing with myself thinking duh, he said he thought she was the love of his life, keyword thought. It was a cover up because “thought” is inaccurate, he believes she is still the love of his life.. how could I be in shock at what I just witnessed? How can I be surprised? Was every experience I had with him a made up thing? Did the thing I just witness in a few seconds invalidate everything I’ve known and had been told by this person regarding our dynamic and love for each other? And just because it was made up on his side, it didn’t mean it wasn’t… isn’t still real.. on my end.
And here I am awake and it’s 5:23am, and my brain decided to conveniently forget the Cylon’s existence in favor of dropping me to my knees and taking away my ability to inhale and comfortably fill my lungs. Way to go brain.. asshole.