I don’t think I’ve ever pulled a muscle this bad before, that I can remember anyway. It’s kind of sad and kind of funny. That + the rain the last few days + fibro, and the usual emotion and stress haven’t been a fun ride. On a side note I had a dream I traded in my forte for a red challenger. This officially mentions something that happened in a dream. Yay.
I’ve been talking a friend through a pseudo half ass break up – break up they’ve been subjected to in slow motion. It’s been hard for them, I’ve been telling them what I’ve been telling myself for a while. It doesn’t make anything easier, but we all hope reason and logic will get us through and at least take the edge off. I thought about Jay, and how I felt if I could get through that, I could get through anything. Even though everything is different, still. There is proof of some resilience in the past. I learned many lessons there, first of all not to let someone exploit me financially, or for other resources while manipulating me and my perspectives on reality. I had to learn the first part of that a second time through the one night stand that wouldn’t go away. My defenses were already down when we met, but I sure learned it then. The second big thing was finding the line between compromising with someone, and when it crossed into compromising yourself. I did things I never thought I was capable of, and that’s not necessarily bad, but there were times I also questions my own ethics. I guess that’s fine when you can reinforce or change them, without doing it for the sake of a loophole. What I didn’t learn the first time around, was not to chase after a dream with a man who doesn’t want the same future as you. Even if the words are there, or there is intermittent encouragement/discouragement, or anything else, when the hard no’s start, it’s time to stop. I had to learn that this time, no matter how heartbreaking it is for me. I was proud of myself for stopping some patterns while not acknowledging I was in another. I can see it, and it’s a good step.
I listened to my friend talk about his not believing he can handle it again. He doesn’t want to go through this pain again, he doesn’t want to fall in love again. He doesn’t want to be alone. I think we all have habits to hold on to things that aren’t working for us because of these fears. He’s tried so many times and it hasn’t worked. Each time is different, each time we build ourselves back up, and each time it feels like we fall harder because we thought this time we got it right. This time there were no conditions, this time we felt limitless with this person. This time it wasn’t “I would do anything for you,” it became “I can do anything with you.” I try to remind myself that I never knew the time frames, or when or how, but every time I let go of something that held me down, it actually got better. It’s almost like science. I’d rather say that because I’m not going with fate here. I’m trying to get him to not already doom the future and take it day by day. We’re both logic driven atheists who yell for science. We’re emotionally driven and passionate people and when we give ourselves we don’t hold back. We try not to be pessimists but we battle our own demons like depression and other stuff. So what’s the worst that could happen? I asked him this since I asked myself. Later I meet someone who dreams the same dreams I do? And we’re both in it? Or even better, I’m happy and content on my own, and I don’t wake up lonely anymore. I was there last spring. I can get there again. I can date myself, buy myself shiny things and take myself out on nice dates. I’m hoping he becomes content with his own company too, I know it’s already difficult before adding the emotional fallout.
I listened to my friend talk about their ex keeping them on a string, how she’s not ready but still loves him, but lacks life experience. She isn’t ready to let go, but she’s not ready to commit. I’m watching this tear him apart. He loves her, he’s invested, and he doesn’t know if this is the time to keep fighting or walk. It’s really hard to tell. But I know it’s impacting his depression and anxiety, and I hate seeing this happen to a friend. I know this isn’t what she wants, but she’s so selfish that she’s causing him pain, and it’s not the intention but the actions that matter now. The situations are different but the results are similar. It’s pain, it’s unreciprocated willingness to take action despite the emotion being there, which is a terrible thing to live through. It’s probably just as bad on the other side as it is to be on this side. But who can really know. I never expected to love someone unavailable. I know my friend never expected someone to love him back but then decide to break it off and start seeing someone immediately as a scapegoat because she feared where things were going.. she recently admitted this. It’s not healthy for either of them.
This isn’t healthy for me or you. I never changed emotionally. My wants and desires remained the same. It’s my desperate need for self preservation that escalated, urgently, loud and clear. I’ve asked too much of myself to keep going this long. I tried to change my perspectives to take the less extreme route. I tried to figure out everything I could do on my end to make “it” work and when I got the message it wouldn’t, tried to protect me. Tried to transition whatever “us” was to what it “should” be. I know speculation is dangerous, and I’ve already been accused of jumping to conclusions and being overzealous.. I also recognize I’ve been conditioned to act out this way, it’s circumstances. I’m not a fan of nitpicking or being defensive, or dealing with defensive responses. I had to think about what you’d have to say in person that I wouldn’t like, what you’d feel needed to be said face to face, and I figured it out. I would have appreciated a phone call. Don’t twist my words and say I don’t think you’re worth seeing “as friends.” I got it though. We don’t need to hurt anymore.