Didn’t fall asleep until after 1am and pretty sure I woke up every 30 minutes after that until my alarm went off at 7:30… tried to buy myself an extra 30 minutes… did not matter. Most of my dreams have been work related lately, and I know that’s usually a bad sign and it’s a form of stress dreaming.. from the csv dream, to another one at the office, to another one fighting the FedEx account, which all happened earlier the same day said dream happened. I vaguely remember a dream this morning and Anne’s cat Zuko was in it. Yesterday when I was hanging out with Tyler, I picked up Zuko and put him on my lap. He’s been unhappy while she’s been on vacation back east and was chilling on my lap taking all the lovins and attention he could get until Natalie came home with a work friend then he jumped up on top of the couch, growled, and ran off. I didn’t know cats could growl like that, I was expecting a hiss that didn’t happen, but apparently he thinks he’s a dog sometimes because he grew up around 2 of them and now there are 4. The patterns this week seems like if I did it, my brain will dream about it later that night. So with that logic if I’d spent the weekend having sex, all I would have had were sex dreams. What a waste. But it’s been weird and mundane, at least nothing scary, it’s just repetitive. The other day, since Josh has been having all the good dreams, I thought maybe he stole some dream voodoo from me for a while, but that’s okay cause I’d hear about them anyway. Sometimes when I get out of some crazy things that could have been really bad I wonder if I borrowed some of his luck.
It’s been raining all night and it’s pretty dim outside. I’m so tired, glad I made it back to barre yesterday, still haven’t done any homework, did some gaming officially this year. My mentor at the university is going to be disappoint.. this sucks. I wish I could figure out the perfect balance of work, school, sleep, barre, foods, sex, social, and have enough time for entertainment and unwinding do catch up on shows and anime and manga and game, and in game socializing in an mmo that’s fun can cover me here. Going out in this town sucks and even if I were still in Phoenix I’m over it. I’d rather hang out online with people I like. I’d rather game with Mel and Chris. So if you’re reading this start XIV back up and I’ll join you. At least we’re in the same timezone. lol
I was thinking about when he was giving me a massage, Tyler asked what was bothering me and I said my sinuses were a little congested, and he was all no what’s bothering you emotionally? and I was all oh and paused for a minute. He said the rest of my body was ice cold and my solar plexus was on fire. I said maybe it was the chili rellano and carne asada taco from earlier as a joke and he was all noo food won’t do that. I was denying stuff because I didn’t feel like divulging what I’ve been going over in my head. I have been keeping my mouth shut about how I’ve been feeling with everything, and I write it out in here when I need to at least try and get it out of my system. I thought I was adjusting into fall alright and then it started raining. I forgot there was some snow on the mountain in my dream this morning too. That’s entirely possible irl right now. It’s also hard to tell what to expect because it can get in the 60’s and 70’s then be back up in the 90’s by the end of the week, and that back and forth without a transition sucks. Idk why I pushed so hard yesterday at barre but I did and now my left leg is cramping. I’d probably be way worse without the massage so I’m glad that happened yesterday. The not sleeping well hasn’t been helping, I thought at least fixing my diet and strictly being gluten free this last week would help with some of the fatigue and aches, and it’s only been a day but usually barre helps me sleep better at night.
I feel irrational because I think things that are bothering me shouldn’t be. It’s not a constant, it’s like a little program running in the background. He made the comment regarding the dreams and how he needed to get laid and that would probably fix it, and that did break my brain because he lives with a gf and it doesn’t matter. That sounds so broken, my brain doesn’t get it, and his response that she’s still asleep while he makes breakfast and it’s essentially noon. There’s nothing wrong with sleeping in and having different schedules, but how do you not find time to connect? I’m pretty sure that’s on her end. It’s so off on so many levels, and I know what I said previously and I stand by it and in my mind I am done done, but a little ember that’s left in me still gives a fuck and is angry at this. That he’s accepted this, and then I have a very selfish drive of my own. He could have it so much better, I could have it so much better. We. Us. There is no us. We are not a thing. I’m still waiting for this ember to go out without having to smother it and feel suffocated. We’re transitioning. I’m trying to give it time, and to be accepting. This fire inside is struggling to stay and struggling to go, and I am burning up inside, I guess that’s the heat Tyler was feeling. I swear I’m still an atheist, it’s just an interesting take on things, and maybe that’s his way of saying it’s his intuition. Change is extremely difficult, this one is no exception.