I’ve had a lot of time to think about many things, and I guess time never hurts. It lets me sift through the noise, the anxiety filled tangents and what if’s my internal dialog runs through, and it gives me the chance to observe what’s been happening between us and within myself. Had we of continued what we started at the end of June, what I would have brought up and how I approached it would have been different than how I would have done it last month, and that’s different from how I’m approaching it today.
There was a goal to hash everything out, get answers, satisfy curiosities, and get closure in case my heart needed it. But deep down I was hoping to figure something out. Since I’m not so far in it like I was in June, I can see the big picture and prioritize what matters to me. You confirmed that you loved me, and explained you loved four women, all very differently. I believe it. What I wanted to know was if you’re in love with me. It matters. Who is the love of your life now? That answer lets me know if it’s time to give up or if it’s time to keep fighting, because I know I can, but I need to know if it’s worth it.
But of course it’s always more complicated than that. I wanted to address something that’s chipped away at me since I read your blog pdf. Specifically from January about not being sure if you and I would make it, but what you’re currently dealing with has outlasted everything else so you have to keep pushing. I don’t know if you could imagine how much it hurt to read that, that you would write us off as a possibility so quickly. Don’t cling to a mistake because you spent a lot of time making it. Change it for yourself. If that’s the only reason why you’re there, you have no reason to be there. Also, I thought it was implied but maybe I never said it, so here it is. I don’t want tomorrow, or a week, a year, or a few years. When I’m in something, I’m in it forever. I hope you never doubted that about me. When I wanted to make long term plans I wanted you in them, forever. I want forever. There is no expiration date there, no exit plan, nor was there ever a desire for one.
I came to the realization there would always be “reasons.” I understand things don’t change over night, but we are ultimately in control of our own destinies and small choices will eventually lead to big changes. Your choices have not brought you closer to me over time. I thought I wasn’t worth it to you, or maybe I am but you haven’t been able to take a step back to see what’s going on and what you are doing. You’ve never had to fight for me, and that’s because I don’t believe anyone should make it hard for someone who loves them to be with them. I’ve been fighting for you, because of these circumstances, alone. You can say you never meant for anything to happen, then follow up with “but it didn’t stop it from happening.” We both made decisions not to walk away. We can’t be in denial about the fact that there is something between us that pulls us toward each other. I’m not the kind of person to run from it. I had wished we met at the right time in our lives, or not at all. Then I realized that was wrong. It’s never perfect, and we are never ready. But those who take the biggest leaps get the biggest rewards in life.
Now I know that I am worth it, and so much more. The problem isn’t me, and I shouldn’t have to push like this. I wouldn’t want it to be that way anyway. I am not waiting. There is no pending conversation, but if you have questions you’re welcome to ask. I will not push for you to change a thing. I don’t doubt that you love me. Never doubt my love for you. I know you’re not ready for me. I love you enough to not be in a codependent relationship with you, or to let us compromise who we are. I thought I would always be last in your life because you care too much about image. Because you put others before me. I will always be last because you will always put everything else before yourself. You’ve always put yourself last, not me, but it’s essentially the same thing. I hope that you choose happiness, and when you do, if you realize I’m not part of that picture, it’s okay. Or if you choose happiness, and realize you do want to share it with me, that you’ll fight for me.